MLMR

@sgt.barney right on. I believed for half a day there that quitting actually took something away. What was I thinking Thats hardcore junkie stuff. The real deal.

@jillar I take meds occasionally. When I have a really busy week, or in case its super extra ultra inconvenient.. but i find theyre addictive and they mess up my sleep. Besides, how awfull this all may be, I still convince myself I can grow through it. Meds dont help with that. The strange thing is, I am not really concerned about what other people think. Not in day to day life.. i have a pretty well developed side in me thats all about, hey whatever, lets all just be nice and dont mind each other that much. You are ok, I am ok. Unless one of us is being a m.f. ofcourse. But when anxiety hits... its like I am suddenly covered in a big black cloak of judgemental thinking. It can trigger extreme thoughts and fears and usually when it happens, I hate myself for it (just to make matters worse). It can last ten minutes, or two days... often totally unpredictable. I recently discovered Tiffany Jenkins, from 'Juggling the Jenkins'. A former addict, mother of 3 and dealing with depression and anxiety. She has some hilarious sketches, I love the way she is able to use humor on such dark subjects. People like her give me hope and make it lighter.

THANKS for this. Seeing these things would be bliss, right now I am mainly glad that the worst part is over. There must be a moment in the future where i realise all that. I went to the beach and took a long walk. After that, I drove to a nearby park and walked for another hour or so. Back home I wrote myself a letter, about how far Ive come and that there are better times ahead. Put in on my fridge. Thanks @Doreensfree for telling me to stay close. It helped me a big deal. @Ankush, you are right about the exercize tips. I still take daily walks to release tension. I never thought of exercize in relation to grieving. Will concider it. @babs609, that is true. About rewiring and certain reactions to life because of having smoked for such a long time. I tend to forget that I am 'only' at seven months... I always feel like it should be done by now... ok so it doesnt work like that. And @Paul723, I really, really try to believe you. Yet, I have changed since quitting. Sure, lot of it is good..but i dont always like this new me. I really try to have faith in the proces and I keep telling myself that I am not there yet... and that I will like myself again, sooner or later...

@notsmokinjo im sorry, my previous reaction may have come across as ungrateful. I dont mean it like that. I know you mean well and you are probably right. Everything is a bit blurry here and i can become bitchy when i am actually a bit mad with myself. Again, no offence.

Ofcourse i know that... But, tell it to that part of my brain thats home to a nasty stinkin green smelly monster! Trust me, if it were that easy, just being satisfied with what I have achieved (which is, if you ask me, way below what I am able to)... And thats dawning more and more. These moodswings and anxiety problems have robbed me from so many things, since I was a kid. I am grieving and coming to terms with what I could have become/done etc. Yes I know, could have should have would have doesnt bring anywhere. Well, time to put some loud music on and clean the cats toilet. At least i am 4 hours away from where this morning got me

Thanks both for bucking me up. I am still hanging in. Honestly dont know how. @notsmokinjo, expectations that are beyond realistic. I dont conciously put myself up to meet them, it happens all under the surface. I have only so much room to deal with them... it really is a bitter pill to swallow, that it has become worse. I even have it here, i am am often terrified what people will think. Its crippling, really. But from time to time i have to write, to protect my quit. I know fear is a concept and i know I generate it myself. Thats the most frustrating part. I sure hope to find my confident self soon enough.

I know that this is life. I keep telling myself that. And that its ok to hurt. And smoking wont make a hell of a difference. Well yes it would, it would make me hate myself. And thats the least i should want right now. I really had good hope anxiety would keep diminishing. But its not and i am so disappointed. I aimed for that to happen. And now i find myself dealing with it almost every day again. This ongoing terror voice of how i will never ever be able to reach expectations. I try to meditate, to breath deep, to laugh about it, whatever. I am so so so done with that, yet I dont see how it will ever subside. It ruins my day, my work, my relations.

I am so tired of fighting!! I miss my old self, the way I pushed through when i was anxious, I had more flair, I laughed way more. I want all of that back. Its like I am losing ons thing after another. Friend died, love troubles, work which doesnt fullfill me anymore. And I debunked al the smokey thoughts, I studied and learned, kept believing and reaching out and all for... What?! I. Just. Want. To. Be. Ok. And. At. Peace. And. Not. Have. This. Giant. Self. Doubt. Shit

Didn't think I would need this part of the board again, yet here I am. There's just too much sh*t going on again. My whole being believes smoking will give me my sense of self back, my confidence. Like, then at least I have something thats mine and mine alone, to fall back on. I dont get how after all this time and after all the highs this thing still can be so overwhelmingly present. I dont have ammo ready and that scares the crap out of me. I should know better by now, NOPE is my ammo and its at my service, 24 hrs a day. These are just... emotions. They will pass. Arghh arghhh arghhh!!!!!

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If there's something like the secret to quitting, this is it! Take the surprise and emotion out of triggers and you are left with what they really are: patterns, patterns and more patterns. Once I saw that, it was so much easier to deal with triggers, or to respond in different ways other than lightening up. Example, from back in october. At that point I thought I was done with morning triggers: 'Started with the SAD (seasonal affective disorder) lamp this morning, third year in a row. Made myself a nice coffee and had some papers ready, to prepare for today. So I am sitting behind this absurdly bright light and suddenly this intense crave hits me... omg!!! In a flash I see myself lighting up, immediately having that 'Ahhhhh'moment, so at first I'm all 'wtf is this, where does this come from, oh nooo'. Panick, 'Will this ever st....' And then it dawns on me. The lamp is HEAVILY connected with morning smoking rituals. Waking up, coffee, lamp, one or two cigarettes (the only onesduring all seasons I allowed myself to smoke IN the house, as to ease and boost myself for REALLY doing this lamp thing, waddajamean fvcking up my reward system), and I kidd you not, the crave eases out the second I understand the connection. Knowing this intens 'wanting' is nothing more than a brainfart, a result of programming. Knowing that here and now, in this moment, I cut yet another tie with this darned addiction! My tip would be to try to remove the emotional aspect of triggers, try to detach from that. Ofcourse, cry if you need to, because of the sudden surprise, or scare maybe. And after that comes healing. Each time a little bit more.

Guys, guys!! I said, 'putting the board somewhat in the background. Not, 'goodbye and talk to you never again!' I cant seem to find my way here in the socialization section, maybe its language barrier... dunno. Often afraid I misunderstand jokes and give wrong answers to them... that doesnt make the social section/whatever section very relaxed for me to be... so then all i talk about here is quitting and growing and proces... really, cant hear myself going on about that anymore.. but, i assume it just takes time for me to adjust and to get back some old aspects of myself.. I am not even sure this makes sense. Why am I explaining anyway... All is allright. Anyway, ill be around. And... thanks.

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So, 7 month mark! Glad to be at this point and grateful for ploughing on and for all the encouraging words I received. Thanks so much for that. Its probably time to put the board somewhat in the background. I think i need to push myself in the direction of 'life after quitting'. As glad and grateful as i am, i feel like I should re-focus now. I miss part of my old self, the not so serious part, the part that likes to joke around and doesnt take every fart so serious. Since i cant afford to joke about quitting, but still really, really need my lightheartedness ... I may have to trust myself a bit more in the foundation that i've laid these last 7 months. It sounds absurd, but its almost like I have to say to myself: its ok to laugh now, saying goodbye to smoking is done. Go on! Not so sure what will come next, but I know I cant keep reading about cancer and dopamine and neurotransmitters and Buerger's disease forever and expect life to be good without chasing after the fun of it... I have a massive fundament and now... moving on. Writing this down is ACTUALLY scary. Crazy ass addiction this is... but, 'So long and thanks for all the fish!' ( and yep. I'll remain vigilant. There's a lot at stake. I know.)

There's something that's bothering me for some time now and that is the grave importance of, well, EVERYTHING, since I quit. Its like I became 10 times as serious. I think I used to be more fun to be around. All the reading and studying, Im pretty fed up with it, to be honest. I want my humor back, my non-planning, my go-with-the-flow and ... pretty much, my old me but without the smoking ofcourse. Let it be clear, i dont miss that for one second. Do people recognize this and if so, when and how did you settle that?

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Ugh, that must be so scary. Sorry you are going through this. Thanks for taking the time to write this down.. these are the messages that keep reminding me to do everything in my power to protect my quit. Whishing you well, hope there's treatment for this ugly part of your autoimmune disease. Take care!

Kudo's for reaching out when you need it. Thats a massive part of building a strong quit. Hope today will be better for you.

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