Ren

nope.

I'm FINE but not great. Thanks for all the advice on autoimmune flare-ups...I've never had a doctor want to diagnose me officially with anything, so I've never taken it seriously enough...all I know is that when my life becomes very stressful my body becomes extremely reactive. But no more pinches since that night!! or puffs.... I had another smoking dream last night where I had an unlit cigarette in the car and I was frantically trying to find a lighter so I could light it before I talked myself out of it, which I knew would happen if I didn't get it lit asap!! I don't want to go back to day one, but hitting my 90 day mark today feels a little less shiny than what I was looking forward to. I think I just have to keep going with the knowledge that my first 90 days weren't absolutely perfect.

Yeah I know. A couple of times and I'm probably hooked on nicotine again, right?

I haven't been back here since my SOS because I'm not good at letting myself feel vulnerable and face the feelings that were coming up that night. I don't know how you all feel about this here, but I smoke marijuana pretty regularly. I'm not starting my quit over because I didn't smoke a cigarette. But that night I put a pinch of tobacco in my pipe to mix with my weed. It was probably the equivalent of a puff of a cigarette. Smoking weed doesn't make me crave cigarettes. I just wanted a cigarette so bad that I guess that was my compromise. I know there's no such thing as a compromise when it comes to smoking. But I'm not beating myself up over it. I'm trying to figure out where my self-harming impulses come from so I can get some control over them. When I get stressed out and I feel like I'm not doing my best, I get stuck doing even worse and self-sabotaging every habit I've ever tried to break...procrastinating, wanting to drink and smoke pot too much, overeating, sometimes even purging (I used to be bulimic), picking at my cuticles, pimple popping...I think because I was always acutely aware of the danger of cigarettes even while I was smoking them, smoking was more of a form of self-harm for me than an ignorant habit. Huh. I guess I have another layer of addiction to deal with.

..............................there is still a doubt and that's why I WANT to leave..........................................

Thanks ya'll. I'm still here. I won't smoke. I know it won't help anything. I know it will only make me feel worse.

I hope you're doing okay, Christine! I struggle with my partner smoking sometimes too but I keep telling myself that it has to start somewhere, and if I stop, it only increases their chances of stopping as well. I learned recently that being a nag and trying to explain why they shouldn't smoke it counter-productive....he's got to find his own reasons - reasons that are important enough for him to stop sneaking out.

I am extremely stressed out over work and my responsibilities right now. I have an autoimmune disorder with stress-triggered flare-ups and I've spent the week with hives coming and going all over my body and tissue swelling in my hands and feet and wherever my clothes are tight. Right now I've had a drink and I'm home, no wife, just sister in law. She has cigarettes so I wouldn't even have to buy them. I don't want to, and I likely won't, but I still hate even thinking about it. I know I'd care later. But I don't care right now.

Thanks for all the advice. You guys are so right. I have a new resolution to keep my mouth shut! I hate that holier-than-thou feeling and the way that words sound coming out of my mouth from this higher ground place.... I tell her it's just because I care about her... But it still makes her feel terrible and starts a fight. No more nagging, no more shaming

So I haven't smoked in 2.5 months. Last night my partner and I were at a friends' house having a few drinks, and one person there is a smoker. She's getting ready to go out to the deck, and my partner turns to me and asks ME if I would mind if she had a cigarette. I said, you do what you want, you know it's bad for you. So at first she didn't go out, but the next thing I knew, she wasn't there and she had slipped outside. Smoking when she's drinking is pretty regular for her...not a lot, but that's how I started smoking and I just wish she wouldn't at all. I don't feel like I can lecture her about it because I did the same thing. It's like America telling China it can't use coal. I already did that and it was bad, don't do it! And she's like, it's just a little bit of poison, you're doing mostly alright now, I can do it just for a while, why don't I get to have all the fun that YOU had? When we first got together, I was a casual smoker and she never smoked. I was the one sneaking outside and getting reprimanded. Now it's the other way around and I don't know what to do. ?

Ok, Australia WINS the no-smoking ad game.

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I'm doing well and I'm so happy that you all are too! I was just marking up my desktop calendar for June and I'm excited that I'll be hitting 3 months and 100 days quit this month! I started running again in May and my lungs are so happy that they can breathe lots of air during! I've lost a few pounds and I'm actually on a path of dietary discovery...I have chronic inflammation so carbs and sugar are on the way out..... Also YAY SUMMER!

My 2 cents - I don't think I would have made it through the first month without this forum. Now coming here makes me think about smoking (maybe more than I would have otherwise that day) but I'm not thinking about how I WANT one. I'm thinking about how addicted I used to be and how happy I am that it's at least easier than it was to resist a craving. Also, I was extremely excited to get my one and two month marks acknowledged here!!! Like I posted elsewhere, when people in my face-to-face life don't care that I've quit anymore, this place gives me the validation and encouragement I very much need to stay quit!! I can imagine it would get depressing if you're the one tracking everyone's quit...but it really made a difference to me xoxoxo

11 months is.........