farmgirl

So good to see you are still here, cheering others on! Thanks for your support and the support you gave me so long ago when I first came here!

Hey All! Wishing you all the best on quitting smoking. I quit December 27, 2017 and haven't craved a cigarette probably since 8 to 12 months after quitting. This past week, I have counted seven times that I've craved a smoke. I was going to ask if anyone else has ever experienced something like that after so many years without smoking, but as I started writing my question, I realized that I think I know where my cravings are coming from. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe it sounds kind of stupid, but we just adopted a very young puppy and my schedule and stress feels a lot like it did when I had newborn babies. I quit for all of my pregnancies, but started smoking a year after my first child was born and a couple weeks after my second child was born. Maybe this puppy schedule is reminding my brain what I used to do to chill out when my kids were babies... Take a smoke break. Ugh... Hopefully it'll pass. I really don't like being teased by that craving demon.

Two years ago today, I smoked two cigarettes back to back before going to bed and said to myself, "This is it." But even I didn't REALLY believe that. Of COURSE I was going to smoke again someday - right? I always did after saying I was going to quit - usually I'd pick back up within a few days. But a statistic I had recently read haunted me. I read that if you quit by 40, 90% of the deleterious effects of smoking go away. I already missed my chance to quit at 30 and smoked for most of the decade before my 40th birthday, quitting only for my pregnancies and a few months when the kids were infants. So facing 40, growing tired of my addiction over the years - feeling like a loser leaving parties as the only smoker, worrying about coughs that crept up here and there... I had just lost my job, too, and while I wasn't the primary breadwinner and it made little difference in our finances, I didn't like the idea of spending $9 a pack (that's the American Spirit, right?) when I wasn't bringing in any money. I found this site, yakked about my impending quit date, which was set 2 weeks into the future on my 40th birthday, and was given the greatest advice I can remember receiving, which was "Why wait? If you quit now, you'll be two weeks into your quit when you turn 40? Physical withdrawal effects will be largely over." And I couldn't really argue with that. Why smoke for 2 more weeks if I'm planning to quit anyway? As we all know, I still wasn't REALLY going to quit... I was just telling myself that while my addiction patted me on the back, telling me it'd be here for me when the dust settled. The delayed quit date was just one poorly crafted excuse my addiction was feeding me. Two more weeks of smoking, with 2 more weeks of guilt and fear would most likely end in me saying "Ah, it's too hard!" and lighting up again. So instead, I ambushed my addiction that day and said "Gotcha!" to nicotine. Sneak attack. I carried the last two cigarettes in my pack for many months after I quit - at first it was JUST IN CASE! Just in case I got stuck on the highway in a traffic jam, which is one of my most anxious places. Just in case I got really mad and needed a nicotine break. I pulled them out once or twice, ready to light one up, but found other ways to cope instead. Then I just carried them as proof that they had no power over me - just some cigarettes in my purse, as inanimate as they should be. And then I finally ditched them after maybe 5-6 months, and when I did, I remember feeling triggered, thinking "I can always buy more if I want." But I haven't, because the odd craving here or there isn't even close to strong enough for me to drive the half mile to the nearest gas station for a pack. In the past two years, I have loved the compliments from my kids about how good I smell, I love never worrying about creeping coughs, I love not orchestrating my day around when I'm going to sneak off for a smoke. I love that I can tell my kids not to smoke, and it's not a "do as I say, not as I do" conversation. I love that I'm not a slave to nicotine. It feels like I've been a non-smoker for much longer than 2 years, and I still can't believe I smoked for so long.

I was jealous of smokers for a long time after I quit, wishing I could smoke too. When the reality finally sunk in that they don't "get" to smoke, but they HAVE to smoke, and if I started again, I wouldn't be choosing to smoke, I'd be compulsed to smoke, the romance died. And then I felt trapped in my quit for awhile - craving but not giving in - denying myself what it wanted and hating it the whole time. And THEN, finally, I felt free... THEN I was able to let cravings pass like they were bratty little kids bugging me for candy. Annoying, yes. Persistent, sometimes. But not worth giving in to, because like kids, once you give in, it's really hard to hold back the next time. And then I didn't feel like I was white knuckling life anymore. Cravings were, and still are, just like passing intrusive thoughts... when they come, my brain now naturally responds with thoughts of how thankful I am I don't smoke. The image of me buying a pack makes my heart sink. The idea of bumming one and lighting up makes me feel a little pukey, knowing how gross that first cigarette really is after a long quit. You won't have to deal with tough cravings like that forever. Holding on to your quit, as much as it feels like a roller coaster, is really the practice of quitting, and every single cigarette you don't smoke is making you stronger in your quit. Your practice is going really well.

EXACTLY! And when I come back and browse and read through people's posts, I cringe at the words I read when people break their quit because they echo my junkie voice, and I want to shake them awake from it and say "that's not you! that's the chemical speaking through you!" but I know I could barely tolerate hearing that when I first came here for help.

I cared a lot what the people here thought (well, not here exactly, but at the last board where I "met" many of you for the first time), because I was ready to hold myself accountable but knew I didn't have it in me quite, and I needed to be held accountable. I think when you come to a message board for support, you have to be ready to accept that support - you have to have just enough belief in yourself to trust that there was a reason you showed up in the first place, but after that, you have to let others help you out. I needed the jabs that I got when I first arrived - asking me why I was setting a quit date so far in the future when I could quit sooner and get the hard stuff over with and not risk backing out of my commitment. I credit whoever said that to me (which was NOT what I wanted to hear...) with saving my life. I haven't been around in a long time, but I'm still quit. Umm... 20 months at the end of August, I think? I don't miss smoker-farmgirl one bit.

I used to see people smoking outside restaurants or at a party and I was so jealous that they got to keep smoking and I had to quit. Which really makes no sense since I chose to quit, but that's the feeling I had anyway. I quit smoking on December 27th 2017, and that feeling of jealousy went away a few months ago. Now I see people smoking and I feel bad that they have to take that time to feed their craving. Usually they're standing all by themselves and it doesn't look like much fun. It looks like a compulsion. I was thinking about it this morning on my way home from taking the kids to school because I realized I was in no rush to be anywhere. I used to be in a rush to go home and have my smoke, because I hid it from my kids and would wait for them to get to school so I could feed my craving. I have saved so much time in my life day to day by not having to stand alone on the porch smoking a cigarette. Not to even mention the time I've hopefully saved by not dying young from some smoking-related disease.

Do tell about the post-one-year cravings... I have definitely had cravings over the past year, but they've really died down. I even had a month with none at all (I swear - it was month 10 or 11, I can't remember). A few crept up during the last month, but now... I have cravings on a daily basis, and they are NOT the little passing nostalgic ones - they feel more physical. Is this a thing? I know it's all in my head, but why now? It's not cool. Is it because I came into this year with full-on confidence? Am I losing my edge?

I knew you wouldn't forget this important day. I'm just so proud of myself, I had to make my own post. I spent the day hanging out at a family member's swanky pool in South Florida, enjoying a healthy supply of beer and sun. Not too much, not too little... feeling like a boss.

Here I am, one year smoke free! What do I win?? A stack of extra cash in my pocket, freedom from the nicotine clock, compliments that I smell great, hack-free evenings, hypochondria-free days, hopefully some extra days tacked on to the end of my life, role-modeling for my kids... I could go on. Do I miss smoking? Every now and then in a nostalgic way. Do I want to smoke? Never.

Thank you, thank you... *takes a gratuitous bow* Went to the corner store a few days ago to pick up some swiss cheese for turkey sandwich leftovers, and noticed my old brand behind the counter. It looked so sad and pathetic - just a little box of broken promises. I am so strong in this quit that the other day I thought to myself "I bet I could have just one and then walk away!" And then I laughed and laughed and laughed in my head and said "You are so f*in' funny! That's simultaneously such a gross idea, and such a lie!" And I leaned back happily on my heels and sucked in a huge breath of fresh air. My quit has never felt better, honestly. I can't remember a time this past month that I had a craving, and that is a first. I'm not counting on that being the way it will always be, but how awesome is it that it happened even once? Thanks for remembering this important day with me. I was looking forward to coming and reading your comments and reassuring anyone who is quaking in their boots about quitting that it can be done and it will be wonderful.

Hi all, Celebrating 10 months smoke free tomorrow. I had a day a few weeks back after a terrible night's sleep when I was THIS close to buying or bumming a smoke, and was at the point where I considered writing an SOS. But I gathered my thoughts, recounted my reasons, and stayed quit. My daughter kissed me goodbye when I dropped her off at school today, and said "You smell so nice, mom." Small moments with huge rewards.

Hey all, Things are generally good. I can't say I don't have any thoughts about smoking. A few days ago, I had a short fantasy of smoking at a bonfire. But I don't smoke, so... I see people smoke and I feel bad that they have to feed the addiction. They don't look ecstatic to be smoking, which is how I envision myself in my fantasy, so it's an obvious reminder that the fantasy is a farce. I tell myself, "you don't smoke now that you're 40." And remind myself that i no longer worry about coughs and shortness of breath (which, in reality, just leaves more mind space to worry about other things). I've been running and biking, doing one or the other everyday. Last week i ran 8 miles with friends with ease, and the half-marathon bug has bit me again, so there's a tentative challenge. I'm starting to lose a few lbs of the 5 I gained when I quit, and find it so interesting because I read that it does take 9 months to a year for your metabolism to sort itself out. I think it's also because the kids are back to scgo and I don't tend to eat a big lunch or breakfast when they aren't around. So, all is good. This quit is real and it's not over.

Thanks for the congrats! I remembered my 8 month anniversary, but it was the first day of school and I haven't had a chance to check in until now (stealing moments from sitting in traffic). Last week was a tough one. I was triggered by loneliness when my kids returned to school, fatigue from the new routine, and also memories of last fall, the freedom to smoke whenever I wanted because the kids were away (I hid my habit from them). But I didn't smoke, because I'm never going to quit again. And also because when I quit, I gained a few pounds that I haven't lost yet, and I refuse to be both fatter than I like AND a smoker. Strange where motivation comes from. This week, I have a million things going on. Dates with friends to combat the loneliness, lots of projects around the house, and lots of confidence that my quit is solid.

It was harder for me to quit drinking because (a) I didn't quit for myself. I quit because of a drunken moment when I screamed at my husband in a drunken rage "I can quit anytime I want! I can stop tomorrow." And he said "I'd like to see it." and because (b) by the time I quit smoking nearly 5 years later, I knew the mental game of quitting. But it was harder for me to actually get to the first day of quitting cigarettes because (a) my smoking didn't make me irrational and crazy like my drinking did, so it affected no one but me, and (b) no one but my husband and a few friends knew I smoked, so I kind of pretended I wasn't a real smoker. So... no real answer to your question. If I remember the gut-wrenchingness of both, drinking was harder because I was an emotional and psychological mess as a result from my drinking. I went into the smoking quit well aware of the failure stats and super determined not to give in to temptation. I was already mentally on top of my game when I started this quit.

Hey all, Last I checked in here, I was a day past 6 months quit. I was having some momentary cravings here and there, and now I can say with all honesty that I've had zero cravings since around the 6 month mark. The other day, I was standing in line at customer service at the grocery store, and the people in front of me were getting a million money orders or whatever, and I had a bucketload of ice cream in my cart and a 6 year old whining to go home, and I looked at my brand of cigarettes behind the counter as I was seething with grumpiness, and I thought "If I bought one of those packs and smoked a cigarette, I'd want to throw up at how disgusting it would taste." And I felt a gross dryness in my throat and nearly gagged. My have times changed...

Ugh... I was at the orthopedist with my daughter last week, and we sat down in the last chairs left in the waiting room, and the guy next to me reeked so terribly from smoke that I had to breathe through my mouth until he left. Gross...

Thank you all!! I'm still quit, but I have to admit I've been romancing the killer lately. Been fantasizing a smoke here and there over the past week. I'm having some intermittent strange aches and pains, and I was telling my husband the other day that I never felt this crappy when I smoked. He said because I was distracted by cigarettes and worried instead about smoking related health problems. He's not totally accurate. I'm in a modest amount of unexplainable pain, and will have to get to the bottom of it. Can't say the work is nearly done on this quit, I guess. But I'm not smoking, and I have plans for a 100% smoke free life.

Thanks everyone! Haven't checked in for awhile, but still strong in my quit. We'll, feeling strong most of the time. I get little jolts out of the blue sometimes, but they are just blips from the habit, not any big craving. I have the very occasional real craving, usually when I'm somewhere that someone else is smoking, but I always turn the thought around and feel bad that that person is a slave to their drug. Fast forward their lives, and find myself on a rosier pathm

Hey Fab, I'm glad to hear you are with me on this quit! Yeah... It was a bit crazy to keep them around, but the thing that makes me crave the most is the feeling of being trapped, so giving myself the constant choice helped me. When I feel trapped, I tune out and let autopilot take over and bend towards immediate relief. Having the choice frees me to make the conscious decision not to smoke. It's how I quit drinking, too. Put all the power in my own hands...

I'm 4 months smoke-free. The night before my first smoke-free day, I smoked two cigarettes before heading in to sleep, leaving two cigarettes left in the pack. Other times I quit in the past, I finished a pack, leaving myself the burden of actually going to a store and buying more if I wanted to kill my quit. This time, I kept the rest of the pack in my purse. You could see this as a lack of commitment, which, at first, it was. But then it became a signal of my commitment - it would have been easy to kill my quit at any time, and I continued to choose to stay strong against my cravings, with the cigarettes at my fingertips. I'll be honest and tell you that a few weeks into my quit, in the middle of a massive panic attack on the highway, I pulled one out, held it in my fingers and imagined I was smoking it. "You can stop this car and light it anytime you want," I told myself. Instead, I realized I was craving deep breaths, and nicotine wasn't going to give me anything but a feeling of defeat. Some time ago, I stopped carrying a lighter, so the "you can light this anytime you want" lost some truth, but I didn't have any major feelings of stress about that. And now, the pack is smushed and stale, and I never think about it, and it's taking up space in a never-used pocket of my purse, and finally, I have no reservations about tossing them.

Thanks everyone! So glad to have a support group again. Wren - congrats on 3 months for you, too! I read your post earlier today, and like you said, I totally identified with you. Sslip... I have to admit that there were times that the board not being around made me feel like, well, f-that. if that whole group is just going to quit without notice, then i'm going to quit my quit. When I would think that, I'd have to detach myself and remind myself that the rest of the world is not responsible for my success. I read the No Man's Land section, and will re-read again. I think another trigger is the nice weather. I remember spring coming around when I was 9 months sober, and craving a margarita like nobody's business. I settled for a strong lemonade. I'm going to have to just recognize the cravings for what they are - memories of the habits I had for the last 20 years - and now I'll make new habits.

Hi all, I came online a month ago to say - dudes! I made it 2 months! And everyone was gone. And I developed a bit of a complex... And for the past month, I was mad and stomped my feet and DIDN'T WANT TO JOIN ANOTHER SUPPORT GROUP! And then I decided to join this one, and FOUND so many familiar names again! I didn't expect that, so sorry that I changed my name from 40strong to farmgirl. I was a newbie anyway, so not much history under my old name. So here I am, celebrating 3 MONTHS with NOPE yesterday! I have to admit, the past few days, I've had cravings creep back. The thought of "just one..." but I remember last year, when I quit for 10 days and then had one and it tasted disgusting, and I felt like crap, and then I was hooked all over again. Not gonna happen this time. I LOVE my new non-smoking life. I can't believe I didn't quit sooner! It's very, very, very comforting to be back with you all again. <3