Kate18

I also logged into Quittrain on my cell phone so that I can check back on my lunch break. On lunch break there is ample time for me to go and buy cigarettes and smoke. If I stay in the store break room with my phone and reading QT, I can get through the work day. That's right, I'd forgotten about the hell week. Of course, I'll still be going through it later, when I phase off the nic patches. But at least I'll have a month or so time to change habits. I am feeling calmer.

I have to stop weeping. I can't work with these images in my head. All it takes is one cigarette and it'll go away. But my self respect will flop, also. I'm a cashier in an upscale health store. I'm having an extra cup of coffee and intentionally delaying going to work by 5 minutes. That way, I don't have time to stop at a store for cigarettes'

I'm weeping and feel panicky sense of premonition that something terrible is going to happen. Had this before, every time I try to quit. I know that a cigarette will restore emotional equanimity and give me relief. I don't want to fail, but I have to go to work in 20 minutes. It's unrealistic to expect someone to respond in that time. Just please forgive me if I lapse. I can't continue like this.

Made it through day three, my Danger Day. Awoke craving and with panicky feelings, day four. I don't wear a patch at night because of disturbed sleep. Forgot to put one on yesterday morning until too late. I was going to sleep early to dispel disturbing intrusive thoughts. As I was making coffee, I had fearful images of something terrible happening to my children and theirs. Made me weepy. Felt strongly motivated to go to the gas station and buy cigarettes. "This is biochemical," I said to myself. Slapped on a patch. Just deal with the stress of changing habits first, then chemical withdrawal. One step at a time. One day at a time. Until this patch kicks in right now, and my monkey-mind quiets down and stops projecting tragic images, I'm taking one minute at a time. I really, really want a smoke. Fortunately, I have to get ready for work.

Today I will not smoke. One day at a time.

Didn't remember to put on a nic patch, so felt the full brunt of withdrawal today. The old panic returned. To escape it, I slept for a while. Just took another sleep sedative and my evening vitamins and supplements. It's not yet 6:00 pm, but I'm heading off to sleep anyway. I I can just make it through today--historically the day when I've failed before--then I think I'll find the strength and resolve to make it through day 4 and on. Have been dangerously close to saying "screw it, I want the relief of tension." Staying on the QT and reading, watching videos for a while was a counterbalance on the side of health and freedom. Thanks to those of you who checked in to the pre-SOS thread where I was working through, in real time, the cravings and the H.A.L.T. exercise. I appreciate your words of encouragement.

That's a good line for a mantra. Think I'll ruminate on it and let it sink in. Thanks

Just returned from the grocery store. I took my time before I went to make a list. Took my time at the store to select the right purchases. Delaying the time when I would get back into my car and have to drive past the store where I used to get my cigarettes. Craving is strong. Just realized I forgot to put on the patch this morning. Probably why the craving has doubled down on me. H.A.L.T. Hungry. Yes. Was shaky. When I got home, ate a kiwi fruit and then a banana. Bought corn tortillas and guacamole so that I can have a snack I will really enjoy. A. Annoyed. I'm close to angry because a part of me wants the relief I got from a cigarette after abstaining for several hours. It's been more than 12 hours since I had a nic patch on. L. Lonesome. Nope. Sofia is here, chewing on her buffalo braid that I bought at the grocery store. T. Tired. Yup, definitely. I'd go to sleep, but then I wouldn't sleep tonight and I'd be wasted tomorrow at work. Objective: Remain smoke-free and get relief from cravings to get through Danger Day. Strategy: Focus on one tactic at a time. When one tactic has been accomplished, immediately turn focus to the next tactic. Tactics: 1. Put on a nic patch. 2. Put away groceries. 3. Reorganize kitchen and refrig 4. Fry up some corn tortillas for chips and eat nachos. 5. Take Sofia for a walk. 6. Eat peach pie while watching Peter Attia lectures on health and longevity 7. Go to sleep by 7 pm. Really struggling here. I'm afraid that if I leave my chair and the forum, I'll pick up my purse and head out the door to get cigarettes. Gotta stay focused. Breathe

Danger Day, craving coming in like an ocean tide. H.A.L.T. H. Am I hungry? Not really. Aching for wanting to smoke. Headache. Didn't get enough sleep. Sofia woke me up by trying to chew on one of my ears. A. Annoyed. Fortunately, it would take a lot of effort to drag myself out to a cold car and to a gas station for cigarettes. I'd change my mind along the way and come back without cigarettes. Then be more annoyed because I'd have wasted time, energy, and gasoline. And disgusted on top of that if I'd actually smoked. Somehow I know I won't go to the store or smoke. All those times when I did relapse, why do I feel settled into being a non smoker now? Maybe I'll look back in a year and recognize something I'm not seeing right now. L. Lonesome. Sofia's enough company. And I'm on the forum, so I feel a connection. T. Tired. Yes. Maybe I just need a cup of coffee and then clean the kitchen. And check grocery ads. A lot of energy. Sleep, I could go back to sleep. Sofia wouldn't let me. She wants a buffalo chew and I haven't replenished her supply. Maybe I could trot off to the grocery store and get Sofia's chews and my food shopping done before crowds arrive. And then go to sleep. Debated about putting on a nic patch; I think I'd better. Stick with forming new habits, then deal with drug withdrawal. Gotta get up and do something, anything. OK, potential crisis averted. That was a lengthy craving. Plan is made. Coffee, shop, walk Sofia, sleep.

Another day, and better things to do than smoke. No smoking today, I won't smoke today. Edit 12:35 pm PST: Cravings so strong and persistent, that in order to not smoke I took a sedative and am going to sleep. Desire for smoking has beat out H.A.L.T., mindfulness, breathing, and eating. There is a vague crawly sensation on my arms. Going to sleep. Sticking to my pledge to not smoke today.

Spoiler alert: There is nothing redeeming or interesting in the following. Note to self: recognizing you want to smoke, but think how cold and miserable it would be to get into the car in order to go to a gas station to give over hard-earned money for the privilege of making myself sick and putting a new swimming pool in the acreage of some tobacco ceo's mansion. May then rot in hades with karma for company. Remembering to H.A.L.T. I'm not hungry, but I'm craving something sweet. Solution: make a couple of pancakes and eat with maple syrup. Sigh. Weight gain. Angry. Not angry. Annoyed covers it. Lonesome. Sofia is here to keep me company. Maybe she wants a walk. Doubtful. She likes to go to sleep at 7:00 pm. But she peed on the carpet last night, so I'll take her out for a minute. T. Tired. Yes. It's 11 pm and I prefer to go to sleep by 8 pm. Got caught up in watching Criminal Minds on Netflix. In the first episode I watched tonight, there were people smoking. I was watching and thinking about smoking. I can skip Hungry, push through Annoyed, walk with Sofia, then go to bed. That'll cover the four bases. And I'll avoid gaining another pound of weight. "Every day in every way I am getting further and further from that last cigarette. I really don't want to trash another quit attempt. Tomorrow is a danger day. It's my day off. Day four. Last time I went this long, I was housesitting. The owner was a smoker and left a half pack of a yucky brand on the table. I called or emailed and asked permission to discard them. He said yes. I took them out and put them in the trash. The trash was collected that morning, and when I went outside to fetch the trash bin from the curb, the cigarettes were sitting on top of the lid of the emptied can. It was too much. I snapped. That was at least two, maybe three years ago. Yes, day four was a bad day. Tomorrow is a new day four. In the morning, I'll plan carefully. And I'll probably ramble on posts. Sorry about that. I can be verbose. It's just thinking out loud. Just wrote "danger day" across December 15th. It'll remind me that I have to stay mindful, rational, and do the HALT quiz if I feel weak.

Thinking through this post of yours, Sazerac. Especially this part, above. When I got my new job at a health food store, I said to myself that I'd quit when I started the job--we're strictly forbidden to smell like smoke. Instead, I figured out how to not smell like smoke. (Elaborate, won't even go there.) The new job came with medical insurance--tons cheaper for nonsmokers. So every pack I smoked was definitely going to be the last pack. I was resolved, every time. Months. I opted in for smoking cessation coaching with the health insurance company so they'd know I was serious about quitting. I knew the clock was ticking and I'd have to actually quit. December 14th was the drop dead date, conclusion of the program. December 12th I passed a trash can and tossed in what I had left of cigarettes. What was I thinking?! Perfectly good cigarettes! I could have smoked for two more days! Yes, seriously, what was I thinking? You said, "you may not have a serious dose of resolve about your decision to quit." That was true for me, I wasn't seriously resolved about quitting on the day when I quit; I was seriously ruminating on how I could keep smoking for as long as possible. For that day, I had put on a patch and was just going to not smoke during the day. I planned to smoke again that night. Just in case I felt panicked at lunch break, I had them with me in my purse. I'd remove the patch and smoke. Now I've been through three days of refusing to smoke (nights don't count; I'm asleep). I've thought about starting up and quitting later. If I hadn't returned to this forum and posted, I know I'd have gone back to smoking. I'm reading through posts and being reminded of the great things I learned at the QSMB and Joel Spitzer's library, etc. It's great to find that wisdom through people posting at Quittrain. I think you're right, Sazerac. I think that as long as I stay here, keep learning and being reminded about being free of smoking/nicotine, resolve will grow, power will grow. I'm not going to get complacent about having quit, I don't trust myself any further than the next few hours, but I do take heart with your post about a person reaching a point where knowledge and power make it possible to stay quit. At this moment, I really, really (etc) want a cigarette. The only reason I don't have one in my hand right now is that I am typing this. And editing it. I need a doughnut.

Copied/pasted: The concept of H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonesome, Tired) I remember this (HALT) from the QSMB forum, but had forgotten it. Thanks, Paul. It's exactly right and I'll put it on my refrig to remind me.

Sitting with my coffee at my computer desk, but mentally I am wandering aimlessly, detouring around the furry little weasel in my mind that promises feeling better if I go out to buy cigarettes. Two hours ago I was on the phone with my smoking cessation coach (with my health insurance company), talking about my strategy to stay quit. Oh, how quickly the challenge appears. An observation I've made is that when I was hungry, I would reach for a cigarette. (Apparently a common occurrence) At the moment I feel an urge to smoke, so I ask, "am I just hungry?" Maybe. Not really, but eating would be better than smoking. With this new eating plan -- plant-based diet, low sodium, and low gluten -- I have nothing left to eat in the house that appeals to me. Gone are the quick nachos and grilled tuna sandwiches. It's cold outside, so the thought of a cold salad isn't appealing. Cooking rice, beans, etc, takes too long. (K'vetch, k'vetch) That sneaky little weasel is popping its head around posts and pillars in my mind like a cartoon character and he's suggesting that all of this restlessness and aimlessness would go away with a cigarette. Then I could just quit again after I finished the pack. Yaaaahhhh, nooooo, I've been here before. Saying, "yes, I'll quit, but not today," proved to not be a good strategy. On those other occasions, I went out and got the cigarettes, settled on my patio with a cup of coffee, smoked a cigarette, felt the relief from tension, and so reinforced the dependency on a cigarette/nicotine. The furry, sneaky little weasel is cute, but I already have a dog and can't afford to keep another pet. On my way to work, instead of stopping for cigarettes, I'll stop at the Humane Society and surrender the weasel. I'm sure someone else will give him a good home.

I can keep myself from smoking today. I will breathe easily, eat right, look forward to completing a third round of 24 hours without a cigarette. (Still on nic patches, though.)

Funny you mention this now, Andi, because I just heard something about medical researchers doing more research into the placebo effect and how it can be ethically used with patients. I seem to recall that the effect occured even when the patient was told that the pill s/he was taking was just a sugar pill. I like the band aid idea. The body would be conditioned to experiencing the relief of nicotine when a patch was in place. Instead of doing a step down--i.e., from 21 mg to a 14 mg patch--I may go directly to band aid patches. I'll have a talk with myself first to discuss how it could work and I'll be so happy.

Your comment sparked a chuckle. I have an out-the-door checklist. Turn out lights, check oven/stove, windows locked, water for dog, cell phone in purse, etc, about 14 items. Have to revise my list. No longer need to put lighter and cigarettes in my purse, and be sure I have an orange in my lunch. The orange was for the peel. After I smoked a cigarette on my lunch break, I broke up pieces of orange peel, crushed them in my palms to release the scented oils, and lightly smoothed that over my face, hands, and hair. After that, I chewed on another piece so that my breath would be citrus-y, not blech.

I made it 24 hours. Not going to say "Not One Puff Ever;" I've relapsed too many times. But having done this yesterday, I believe that I can do this for another day, today.

Anyone gone from being an omnivore to eating a plant-based diet? I have been reading The Engine 2 Diet. This started when I began researching the most frugal way of eating that is also healthy. That led to vegan websites and YouTubes, and then to Rip's YouTube. Apparently the way this guy and his fellow firefighters eat is a program embraced by some triathletes, as well as a host of other people. I'm 90% transitioned. Because I have to keep my diet low in sodium, anything processed or prepared is usually not available to me to make substitute cheese sandwiches, for example. The author writes about medical research that has shown an improvement or even reversal of heart disease and other ailments. He cites specific studies. It seems legit. Wondering whether this will help heal lungs to some extent. Eating around 4 different fruits each day, and 7+ different types of vegetables. Over the week, it's usually 7+ different varieties of fruit and more than 20 varieties of vegetables. Also black beans or lentils (or other legumes), brown rice, oatmeal, no-salt bread, and other grains. Small amounts of nuts and seeds, plus almond milk on cereal in the am. No dairy, no animal products. I take a vegan vitamin pill, Vit D3, B12, and DHA. Has anyone else embraced this way of eating? What has been your experience?

Made it 12 hours. 7:30 am, smoked a cigarette. I want to sort out what's the trigger, nicotine withdrawal, or the psychological habit. Put on a nicotine patch. 7:45 am, car needed gas. As I walked toward the mini mart to prepay for gasoline, I tossed the remaining cigarettes I had into the trash receptacle that was just outside the entry door. 1:00 pm, lunch time. Fought the urge to go and buy cigarettes. That's habit speaking, I reminded myself, not nicotine withdrawal, because I wasn't in withdrawal. 5::30 pm. Off work. Normally would have headed to my car, lighting up on the way. Urge to light up; thought about stopping and getting cigarettes. Identified it as habit, not withdrawal. 6:00 pm. Passed the drug store I used to buy cigarettes at. Debated at the left turn lane red light: do I stop and buy cigarettes, or keep going? It was habit grating on my nerves, not withdrawal. 6:10 pm. Safely at home. Walked the dog, then fed her. Feeling at loose ends. While she eats her dinner, I used to go out on the patio and smoke a cigarette. Instead, I sat at my computer desk, doing nothing, missing smoking. 6:30 pm. Made a humongous salad. Filling, but not satisfying. Made pancakes. Craving something sweet. Poured maple syrup on them. 6:55 pm. Wanted the smoke I used to have after dinner. 7:00 pm. Watched three episodes of Criminal Minds, cravings creeping into my mind about every 30 minutes. Told myself that this is habit, the mind creating tension because of the change. 9:57 pm. I made it through 12 hours. Actually 14 1/2 hours. Tomorrow is another day. I'm taking this a few hours at a time. When I have the psychological urge to smoke replaced with stronger thoughts and healthier habits, then I'll address the nicotine addiction. I actually think that the psychological habit/urge may be more of a problem than the nicotine desire for me. Not sure, yet. Got up the courage to put up a ticker. And may I never have to replace it with a differently dated one. But trusting myself to keep the commitment....not 100%. I've been here too many times before. I'm better armed with everyone's advice, participation in a preparation to quit program with my health insurance company, and this forum. Thanks to everyone who posted the thread where I reported my father's death. I really appreciate your advice and thoughts for strength. One hour at a time. The next eight won't be difficult. I'll be asleep. Only time I don't have to talk myself out of acting on a craving.

Today was a day off from working, so I have been reading the book by Baumeister and Tierney, "Willpower." They report the many studies of the effects of blood glucose on decision-making ability. I am about 95 % through transitioning to a plant-based diet, influenced by a book entitled "The Engine 2 Diet." My blood labs and blood pressure have me in early heart attack and stroke territory, so I'm make what seems to be the best change in diet. When I was hungry, I reached for a cigarette. From now on, when I'm wanting to smoke, I'll ask myself if I am just hungry. If I have a piece of fruit for quick glucose, followed by beans and rice or soup pre-made. If these guys are right, then my ability to resist a craving will be stronger. I've been afraid of weight gain and used smoking to curb my appetite. I just went on Amazon and ordered three size 12 jeans (I'm usually a 10). I'm preparing for the likely weight gain that can result with quitting smoking when food becomes a substitution. I hate doing this. I worked so hard to get from 220 down to 145. I've stayed in a normal weight range for 10 years. Quitting smoking is more important, and if it means temporary weight gain, then I'll accept that. According to this book, keeping a steady blood glucose level greatly enhances decision-making ability and makes a person more successful at beating addiction. Since all the gross pictures, sad stories, daily pledges to stay quit, and info on Joel's site (and other sites) didn't cause a strong enough desire to stay quit, then I'll try something else. I'll approach addiction from a biological/neurological standpoint. I don't feel like such a loser when I read the studies of what the authors call willpower depletion in their subjects.

Thank you, Linda. I appreciate your supportive words. I just took down the ticker. I haven't smoked, but I felt panicked when I looked at it. I marked on my calendar the date and time I stopped. When I feel more confident I'll put it back.

I want no more lapses, Cristobal. From waking up until going to bed I experience a mental conflict between the rational knowing that, "I must quit now," and the addicted-emotionally driven impulse/desire to smoke. Sociological studies demonstrate that emotion will override rational thinking unless a person has good impulse control skills, whether it's about eating doughnuts, drinking to excess, texting while driving, gambling, anger outbursts, meth use, or smoking. I've been trying to force a turn-around moment where I feel (not just think, but feel) that smoking is terrible and I'll never want another one. I have watched most of Joel's videos and Allen Carr's, watched videos about diseases, documentaries about people dying from smoking, have poured through websites and read about harm smoking causes, and engaged socially at the quit smoking forum that dissolved. I've clocked hundreds of hours trying to force myself to desire to quit. There is a region of the brain that is supposed to be developed in humans by the time we're in our early twenties. I'm sure we've all heard about the prefrontal cortex. I've had problems with other impulses (maybe partly a problem of being bipolar) throughout my life. By working on the skill of impulse control in general, I am hopeful that I can quit smoking. I don't know what else to do.

Thank you Christian, I have been weary and disheartened by so many lapses. I have a challenge with impulse control and procrastination that have impacted my life in general. I've been reading up and working on increasing my willpower. People influencing and helping me include Jordan Peterson (Professor of something in Toronto) through his lectures on Youtube and his books, and Roy Baaumeister & John Tierney with their book, "Willpower: Rediscovering the greatest human strength.