Kate18

I won't smoke on Thursday.

I will not smoke today. Three weeks quit.

Today was easier keeping the quit and minimizing the power of craving, in part because I held to visual images of diseased, hunched over smokers, and walking on into the sunshine to be in fresh air on a walk with my dog. A surprise visit at my store where I cashier from my former supervisor at the store I worked at previously. I asked her to pass on to a co-worker that I had quit, finally. He had been very supportive and recommended a 12-step approach to quitting. I am feeling more confident.

Quitting smoking isn't forever. It's just this moment, this hour, just today. As long as you stay present-focused, and you're saying, "not today," you'll achieve your goal. For me, when it's night and it's dark, my willpower wanes and I crave more intensely. When I'm asleep, I don't crave, so I go to bed early. As early as 5:30 or 6:00 pm on occasion. When I wake up, I am stronger and still present-focused: "Not this moment, not this hour, not today."

No more huddling under a tree, trying to keep from getting rained on and trying to keep rain from drowning my cigarette. (I only smoked outdoors) No more looking at my month-end budget and expenses, and how smoking was keeping me from saving money. It's also giving my willpower a workout. Saying "no" hundreds of times to urges to smoke; saying "yes" to exercise and meditation.

Apparently, mirror neurons are a tool in our mental survival kit. We watch other people, and if they live, we do what they did. I know, that's way simplistic. I've been feeling very low about having to travel. I don't like to fly anymore. I was a flight attendant for seven years and loved it. Don't know why I don't want to fly again. So, feeling low, and wanting to smoke. Yesterday, a shopper came unhinged and loudly and harshly berated me for the way I was ringing up her purchases. She immediately demanded a manager. I called for a manager, then remained quiet, respectful and apologized, and offered to allow another cashier to help her. The manager arrived, I finished the transaction, and continued on until the next break. I was seething with suppressed anger. (Before I went home, the manager called me aside and said that this is typical behavior for that customer; I did nothing wrong.) At my break, I recounted to another cashier what happened and told her I really wanted a cigarette. I explained that I had quit, but right now was wishing I hadn't. I wanted to smoke. Turns out she smokes; "I keep it to four or six a day." I had a brief memory of having told myself I'd just have four or six a day. Ha! I kept myself from asking her for a cigarette. I strongly craved a cigarette for the rest of the day and during my commute home. I was sorely tempted to ditch my quit. As I drove, I don't know why, but I thought about mirror neurons and how they are related to learning, peer pressure, and crowd behavior--the copy-cat effect. I rambled from thought to thought about it and then said to myself, "I can use this to counter the desire to smoke right now." I imagined two groups of people. I saw one group avidly sucking on cigarettes on a sunless day, with smoke billowing around and smelling up their clothes, hair, and breath. With x-ray eyes, I saw the smoke curling inside their lungs and saw damage being done to their bodies. The other group I imagined were jogging or swimming, biking, gardening, everyone in the sunshine and breathing the fresh air easily. I imagined myself walking on by the haggard looking, diseased smoking group and taking a walk in the park in the sunshine with my small dog, breathing fresh air and feeling great. I began to relax. I mindfully kept my attention on the sunny people, focusing on how these were the survival behaviors, and saw myself copying what they were doing. I thought about these mirror neurons and the impact my return to smoking could have on another new quitter on the QT forum. And what would I say in a post? Lame excuses, that's what. What if my returning to QT as a relapsed smoker, having to start over, triggered a copycat effect in one or more other QTers. I'd feel terrible. Mirror neurons and the copycat effect. We have to be careful about where we turn our attention, be mindful about whom we emulate, and remember that other people may be copying our behavior. I still feel low about having to fly, but I didn't smoke. Another day of appreciating QT and saying "no" to cigarettes.

I won't smoke today.

Setting a stopwatch when the craving started. It'd usually pass and I'd forget I'd set the stopwatch. Eating something, sometimes healthy, sometimes sweets. Posting an SOS or a pre-SOS and writing out my analysis of what I was experiencing and thinking about. Took my dog for a walk. Started a blog and used that for a private SOS--i.e., not something other QTers would necessarily respond to. When craving was (is) at it's worst, it was usually at the end of the day. I'd go to bed early to fight the impulse to end the quit. More than half of the time, I was able to be online at QT during a craving. Without this connection, I would have given up and started smoking again. Thank you, all.

I won't smoke today.

Was at a family get together. Went digging through my purse for something, then stopped with a second of fear, worrying whether my cigarettes would fall out of my purse. (I was a closet smoker.) Then I remembered that I don't smoke. Sigh of relief and bit of a chuckle.

My adult daughter has told me several times that I need to read at least the first Harry Potter novel. Maybe now I'll pick it up to see what other psychological gems it holds.

Yes, exactly so! I'd forgotten. That is something....I think it is in Mindful meditation. One exercise is to just notice thoughts and emotions, not judging them, but giving them a name, identifying what they are. Acknowledging what something is does, indeed, diminish their power. It is the unknown that can be more frightening than the known. Thank you for bringing this up, Tammy. It will send me back to reviewing some TED Talks about Mindfulness. Jon Kabat-Zinn (think I have the spelling right) was, I believe, the founder or one of the founders of the practice of mindfulness. Originally it was to help people suffering from chronic pain when traditional therapies were not helpful. I don't have time to go back and do a fact check on myself right now. Sigh. Still nighttime craving. At the point where I have to go to sleep to quell the urge to smoke. The man's name on YouTube will open the list of many talks and guided meditations. Tammy, thank you again. You see how helpful it is, dear new QT readers, to share thoughts and insights?!

Only 7:50 pm Saturday on the Pacific coast of USA; pledging early for the Sunday pledge to take my mind off of craving. The usual "just finished dinner" urge. I won't smoke for another day.

I read some of them on the QSMB and would love to have them here to read.

Won't smoke today.

New delaying tactic... counting backward from 50, each number on inhalation or exhalation. Soon the tension will get too strong and an alarm in my head will sound. It'll be time to go to sleep, because if I stay up, I'm afraid I'll impulsively grab my purse and head to the gas station for cigarettes. I'd think that was impossible at this point, more than two weeks smoke-free, but if there's anything uncounted relapses have taught me, it's that I should never underestimate my tendency to overestimate my self control.

I won't smoke today.

I will not smoke today.

Excellent, thank you Sazerac. Very helpful. And now, because I've run out of things to eat, and the dog doesn't want to go for a walk, I'm going to sleep. Efforts to visualize the reality of addiction instead of feeling the craving are not very effective. Avoidance is next tactic. Go to sleep.

I just gotta quit celebrating with food. Two weeks. I wouldn't have posted it, but I've been troubled with strong cravings all day. Posting is a visual reminder that I've made it this far, may as well aim for another week.

When I was in the Forum this am, read Chrysalis's entry on relapse. Today was my first shopping day since I quit on 12/12/18 Traveled 20 miles south and I paid for my dog's boarding at the kennel, got gas for the car, and went grocery shopping. Normally, when I got gas (Costco), I'd get a hot dog and soda and smoke a cigarette. When I'd finish grocery shopping, I'd smoke a cigarette. Then when I got home, I'd take the dog out for a quick walk and then have a cigarette. Then I'd put away the groceries and have a cigarette. Grocery day was often cooking day (for lunches during the week, at work), so I'd start soup cooking and have a cigarette. Today there were no cigarettes, but there were many thoughts of cigarettes. I missed smoking, oh how I miss smoking. I am romancing the cigarette. I SEE that it is a romance between some sociopathic tobacco ceo and me, and as long as I turned over my money to him/them, I'd get more drug and feel comforted. But romance is about FEELing, not seeing. Today I was feeling that quiet seduction. A sweet romance would involve loving letters penned on lovely paper and signed with passion. The closest thing to a letter is the empty cigarette packet on which is printed, I've seen some of the documentaries about the industry, from how tobacco is grown to how people are seduced into trying a cigarette, then kept addicted. (Swinging back now, no longer hovering over relapse.) Do I owe something to smokers who are still trapped? Do I have a responsibility to them to stay quit? Is it possible that one of the young people (all smokers) I used to work with, we'll chance-meet, and maybe s/he'll offer me a cigarette. I'll say, "no thanks, I finally quit." Who knows, maybe it will help that person quit. Or there could be some other event, and because I no longer smoke, it could affect the outcome in a better way than if I were still a smoker? A lot of ifs. The "IF" I don't want tonight is "If only I hadn't relapsed." Deep breath, inhale, exhale. I don't know about responsibility to unknown other people, but I do have a responsibility to my children and theirs. For the rest of today, I will not romance the cigarette. When an emotion arises, I'll switch to a visual mode and see the reality of the cigarette industry. Whew. Long craving has fizzled. I'm tired out.

What I've saved for the past two weeks (since Dec 12 quit) will cover what I will lose in pay next week. I am taking unpaid vacation time to visit my new granddaughter back east (USA). When I think of smoking in terms of hours & minutes of work per pack of cigarettes....disbelief. Normally, the money will go to my retirement account.

Be well soon

I've cut back contact to about every other week. It would be too unkind to sever all contact. She intends well, she's tried for years to change her behavior with professional help. She has had clinical depression for decades--well before there was competent therapy or drugs for it. She is nearly 90 now, so she won't be around for many more years. I would regret it for the rest of my life if I did not show her kindness. I've declined to talk about some things, telling her that these are personal and I don't want to share. She's slipped a couple of times, but she tries.

It's after 8 pm. I can see myself in my mind's eye, grabbing my purse and heading out the door to the gas station to get cigarettes. A sigh of relief when I get back, sit on the patio, and light one up. On the other hand.... I'm no longer insensitive to the actual taste of a cigarette. It would be unpleasant. I'm no longer accustomed to having nicotine in my brain, so I'd be dizzy, and I don't like that feeling. I'd have wasted $9.00. In future dollar terms, that's near $90. And that's the cost of living (more, actually) for a day in the future. I'd have added to the harm already done to my teeth and gums, and the veins in my legs. I'd return to the gray face and premature wrinkles. I'd have lost the 12 day stretch I achieved. I'd have lost the fragile sense of being able to trust myself again. Sigh. It's not worth it. Skip the smoke. Drink a glass of water, walk the dog, and go to sleep.