Kate18

Yesterday had dr appt. Blood pressure was 140/90, up from 120/60 three months ago, up from my normal 112/62. I felt a knot of fear in my stomach when she told me. According to the American Stroke Association, that is stage 2 hypertension and in stroke range. (Other organizations have their own ideas of how they define stages.) Later in the day my 5 year old granddaughter came over. We went to the park and I taught her how to fly a kite. I thought to myself, "it is unthinkable to keep smoking when it could kill me or cause a stroke, and rob my granddaughter of having her grandmother in her life." I don't know why I have such trouble staying quit. It's possible that it's affected by being bipolar and going from elation to despair in cycles. Terrible lack of self-discipline and poor impulse control. I told the psychiatrist who monitors my meds that I want to start meeting with her to learn how to strengthen impulse control and stop this destructive way of being. I want a productive life, not just existence with smoking-caused diseases as my future. I'm glad the QT is here, online, and I apologize for the lack of commitment and follow through. Truly, I am trying to get this right.

NOPE Unhappy health news (not devastating) yesterday (BP, stage 2 hypertension, stroke territory). Feeling scared about it and at the same time encouraged enough about staying quit to post NOPE.

Three weeks ago, I learned that I have cataracts. Mild, and progression can be slowed if I quit smoking and adopt other healthy habits. One week ago, diagnosed with glaucoma. It's hereditary, apparently, but no one in my family back two generations had it, so likely this can be attributed to smoking. When I left the eye doctor's office, I thought, "this is it; here is the impetus to get me to quit and stay quit." I came back to the site and pledged for the day, feeling optimistic. Panicky feelings followed, and before the day was out, I'd succumbed to the pressure I felt to get a nicotine fix. Yesterday and this morning I created a visual: long arrow slanting up and to the right for the right path of health and the benefits of healthy habits; long arrow slanted down and to the right with every negative consequence of smoking I could think of. Threw away the cigarettes (again). Not making a pledge today. My promise to myself is meaningless, based on past experience. Withdrawal today, tomorrow (but I have it off and can panic at home), then working the next. If I start weeping at work, I'll slap on a patch, but I think I can make it through. I made it 5 weeks. It's possible to do it again, and beyond. It's all in my mind.

N.O.P.E.

KTQ

NOPE

My work day usually starts at 9:00 am--or, at least, it has been for a few weeks. Today I begin work at 12:30. Time is motionless. The sensation of being suspended in air is unsettling, and in such a state of mind, I want a cigarette. This is a situation when, in the past, I would smoke. It would be a time--smoking--when I would collect my thoughts. A grounding time. Since I haven't been smoking for the past month (yaay), this would be a time when I would eat something sweet. I've begun reversing the trend of weight gain, so no sweets to provide a dopamine hit. Feeling fatigued early in the day. Fuzzy minded. Going to take the dog for a walk. That's what a nonsmoker would do, right? And what a non-overeater would do. OK, I can do this. After that, maybe I'll take a short nap. But then, I'm so afraid I'll oversleep and be late for work. I'll set two alarm clocks. Staying Quit takes some adjusting. My brain is weary from rethinking so that I don't fall into automatic actions, like going to the store to buy cigarettes, then falling wearily into a chair on the patio with coffee. Sound familiar?

NOPE!

"Never, never on a Monday...." I won't smoke today.

Craving a smoke badly. Not Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Thought about posting an SOS, but I asked myself, "Am I really that close to flipping mindsets and going out to buy cigarettes?" Nah. It's too cold outside. It's dark. I've eaten a light, healthy dinner. I walked about a mile today with my dog, so I feel pleasantly invigorated. Don't want to pollute my lungs or hand over any savings to tobacco magnates. I was watching a series on Netflix about people tidying up their homes with Marie Kondo. As the families in each episode go through their "stuff" and decide what to keep or part with, I began remembering my former home and how much I have lost. The sadness made me teary for a few moments, but then I sat up straight and shook it off. I returned to present-oriented and forward-thinking. Shifting my focus triggered a powerful craving. This is the point where I would have celebrated the transition from gloom to acceptance by going outside to have a smoke. And now I'm remembering my own post today about a bright line. Gloom is on the other side of the bright line. I am on this side, the right side. The bright line is inviolable. Deep breaths. Craving is weakening. Another episode of exerting willpower, and now I can relax again. Not taking a chance of recurring cravings today, though. It's only 6:00-ish (pm), but I will go to bed early. I dreamed once, recently, that I was arguing about smoking with someone. I didn't want to, but he was strong and demanding. Other than that, no dreams about smoking or craving in my sleep. One's willpower ebbs as the day progresses and by evening temptations can feel impossible to resist. A few dark chocolate chips for a dopamine hit. A mango. Then brush teeth and to sleep.

A whole month. Wow. I did it and it wasn't even terribly difficult. Most of the time. Regardless of how the experience of the first month has been, the point is that it was successful. My savings account is looking better. On to month two. Thank you, all, for your kind congratulations and other support. Your presence in this forum, and your responses when I was wavering, have made the difference between staying quit and relapsing. I came here to distract myself when I was craving. And I ate. Sigh. I am back to sensible eating, now that the cravings are diminishing. Only one or two a day, and those are milder and transient. I'm on my guard for surprise attacks in moments of stress however. Won't turn off my red-alert system.

I won't smoke today.

..."bright lines," a term that [George] Ainslie borrows from lawyers. These are clear, simple, unambiguous rules. You can't help but notice when you cross a bright line. If you promise yourself to drink or smoke "moderately," that's not a bright line. It's a fuzzy boundary with no obvious point at which you go from moderation to excess. Because the transition is so gradual and your mind is so adept at overlooking your own peccadilloes, you may fail to notice when you've gone too far. So you can't be sure you're always going to follow the rule to drink moderately. In contrast, zero tolerance is a bright line: total abstinence with no exceptions anytime. It's not practical for all self-control problems--a dieter cannot stop eating all food--but it works well in many situations. Once you're committed to following a bright-line rule, your present self can feel confident that your future self will observe it, too. And if you believe that the rule is sacred--a commandment from God, the unquestionable law of a higher power--then it becomes an especially bright line. You have more reason to expect your future self to respect it, and therefore your belief becomes a form of self-control: a self-fulfilling mandate. I think I won't, therefore I don't. (Baumeister and Tierney, 2011, pages 185-186.) Baumeister, Roy F. and Tierney, John. Willpower: Rediscovering the greatest human strength. (2011). New York. The Penguin Press. I feel more confident about saying "N.O.P.E." (never ever)--in addition to "not today," when I imagine a bright line into the future, separating my bright path from a dismal path that descends into darkness. That imagery and concept are helpful for me. Adding another coat of bright-paint to the line each day when I pledge to not smoke reinforces my willpower to stay on this light-filled side of the bright line.

Feeling happy. Also feeling the extra fat on my body from diverting energy from smoking to eating. Still, had a big piece of carrot cake to celebrate. Gotta change my solution to cravings.

Won't smoke tomorrow, Saturday. Didn't smoke today. Makes it easier to not smoke tomorrow.

I won't smoke tomorrow, Thursday. One day at a time.

Toughed it through a rocky -- whatever today is. I think my today is your tomorrow. Won't smoke tomorrow,, either. Strong craving. Oat chocolate cookie didn't dent the craving. Taking last resort action--going to sleep.

Brrrr. Feeling chilled and it's after dinner. The combination makes me want to bundle up and go outside to smoke. Also have a headache, which is rare for me. Increases desire to smoke. It's strong, so I'm resorting to my tactic of brushing my teeth, taking the dog for her poop-walk, and going to sleep. Brrrrrrrrrr. Craaaavvvve. Feeling chilled a trigger for anyone else?

Tuesday forecast is for clear air; no smoke

Never, never on a Monday..... I won't smoke Monday.

No smoking here in New Jersey. Smokers here are exiled to the curb. (I'm at the airport.) So happy to be able to hug my tiny new granddaughter and know she isn't being tainted by smoke.

This was one of greatest fears, losing my teeth. I've realized my gums have receded. A man I know, someone who works near me has only a few random teeth. Stained teeth. I don't know how or what he eats. He's very thin. He smoked for decades. Then his doctor told him he could expect to die in a year or so or quit smoking. He quit cold turkey. Says he misses it nearly every day but won't go back.

Celebrated with a hot pastrami sandwich, batter-dipped French fries, and a diet coke. At a restaurant with my beloved son whom I only see a couple of times a year. Soon I'll be back home, eating my plant-based, whole foods diet. Thinking about how I want to celebrate one month. Maybe something that won't contribute to weight gain. Nah, that's no fun. Going to work out at the gym when I get back home. Time to make the weight reverse direction.

Won't smoke tomorrow, Saturday.

Didn't smoke. Out of town, busy with family and jet lag. Forgot all about smoking and pledging. Mea culpa.