Okay it's been a while since I've done one of these so bear with me. And thanks to Fab for his post that has prompted me to actually get off my arse and post one of these for the first time in about 6 weeks.
There's a short version and long version. Short version is quitting is a drag, but I'm okay and happy to be sticking with it and will continue to be so. Unless you want to be bored to tears don't read on. I noted this down for me as much as anything and for any of my fellow quitters that may be going through a tough time to know that they are not alone.
Long Version
So where are we at? Well I'll tell you. Actually not really going tell you, what I am going to do is whine and complain bitterly. Well to start with anyway. There's an emotional me that I'll let ramble on a bit, then there's the logical me and the logical me is what will continue to get me through this.
Quitting is pissing me off no end. I am sick and tired of it. There I've said it and I mean it, it is tiring. I thought I would be over the worst of it now, but it is such a bloody grind, so bloody incessant that it's untrue. But wait, if it is that bad then why am I not just smoking again by now? How can it be worth knuckling down and working through it?
The first week, that was easyish, tough, but a sense of euphoria that I was actually getting through day by day. Weeks 2 and 3 were a bitch, but there were good and bad days. Fourth week and getting a month in the locker, now I was really achieving something.
So why has the last six weeks been tough? Well how about to start with the constant bloody negotiation with myself.
This is your first attempt to give up, nobody succeeds first time round. Go on have one.
You've got a month in, one can't hurt. Go on have one.
You're going on holiday. Fags on holiday don't count. Go on have one.
You're having a drink. You rarely drink so one can't hurt with a beer. Go on have one.
I'm feeling almost constantly light-headed, so sensible to check whether smoking would get rid of that. Go on have one.
I have to constantly say no to myself. I constantly have to make the smart choice. As I said tiring.
Any more bad news? You bloody bet there is. Physically I feel much, much worse than when I first quit. And that is all down to the weight I've piled on and me not being as good at exercising in the winter. So I've added probably 6 to 8 kilos so far or in real money about 14 lbs, a stone, whatever you want to call it. Running right now is more difficult than it was. And nobody told me that once of the side effects of quitting was that your clothes shrunk! I didn't give up for the sake of my physical health in the first place, so to be feeling worse is a bit of a kick in the teeth.
So is it all bad news? Actually this is where I let my logical self take over.
So I've mentioned tiring, but are the craves as hard to deal with, is it as full on as it was at the start? Well that's the first piece of good news. No it isn't. I reckon we're probably between 50% and 75% the intensity compared to when I was first quitting. It is a grind, but if I'm honest with myself, it isn't as hard as it once was. I'm not always honest with myself emotionally, but logically I really do know the craving isn't quite what it was.
Have I saved money and treated myself? Hell yes. Okay so this is the next piece of good news. Before I quit I wouldn't spend money on gym membership. Well it was a waste of money wasn't it. 50 quid a month or whatever. Well just over 3 weeks into the quit I had saved enough to buy an annual membership to the local swimming pool. So I get to go whenever I want and it doesn't cost me any extra. I love swimming yet I had forgone that for 3 weeks worth of smoking money. Since then I have saved enough additional money to pay for a really nice short vacation. This is good news.
Any other reasons to be thankful. Absolutely yes! I've met some really cool people here and some that will hold a special place in my heart for years to come. In adversity you find out who your friends are and I'm thankful that our common goal have put me in touch with all of you. This is one of the main reasons I won't be throwing away my quit. While my quit is for me, it has given me the added benefit that is the opportunity to meet people I consider real friends. There are people here that I care deeply about and I will do anything in my power to help them and I know they would do the same for me. I am not throwing that away.
I will continue to Nope, because I'm not deluded, I know I need that. When I first started I didn't get it. I thought Nope was for ever. It isn't my Nope is just for today, it just so happens I have managed to string 70 of those days together consecutively. While I Nope I know that I will continue to build on that.
Any rambling over. Sorry about the length, but I did have seven weeks worth of detail to get off my chest. Back to sticks and chicks. 1, 2, 3 ... so much easier than the quitting journal. Specially if you're a stick.
