Berkshiredrifter

Sorry for bumping my thread. Just chgainingin. I am gaining motivation, running out of options. Spoke to a caseworker and have an appointment monday for another mental health triage. If that doesnt work out, its off to an alternative safe environment. Monday is my last day smoking either way. I have accepted that Nicotine is a powerful and addictive psychoactive drug. And I have accepted the fact that there is no quality of life while addicted. The easiest way out is just to quit smoking. And when this is done, I am never, ever, ever putting that garbage in my body ever again. I will post when I take my last dose, and throughout the detox and recovery phases.

I reported the Doctor at the hospital. I was really upset this morning, but Im ready to refocus. I have another mental health appointment in a few days. If I end up not being able to go to residential treatment, I formulated another plan this morning. A friend of mine quit smoking recently, he is also a veteran. I'm going to tell him all the trouble Im having and see if he will let me stay at his house for a week. I would have constant support, no access to nicotine, peace and quiet in the yard...I dont know why I didnt think of it sooner. Not gonna give up no matter what. I will be back on the forum when I quit.

I just got back from the hospital. They would not admit me. I spoke to a doctor tonight who was ice cold. Ice cold. Did not care about my chest pains and would not examine me. Did not care that I was supposed to be admitted to psychiatric for treatment. I told him I was ideating suicide at the end and he said "well, ok, you are free to leave." I swear to god Im not making it up. I just walked an hour home. Alone. In the cold. The Hospital was St. Peters in Olympia Washington

Haha ha you simply refrain from putting things in your mouth and lighting them on fire. That made me smile and it felt really good

Thank you everyone. I need a lot of support to do this, and everyone has made me feel really welcome. I appreciate the sincere and warm welcome. Peace Train, you really nailed it. I mean you NAILED IT. Smoking really does make my PTSD worse. The smell of cigarettes is in every memory I have of that place. Every time I light a cigarette I get dragged back to Highway 4. Its horrible. I cant wait to go to treatment tomorrow. I feel really blessed being able to get help with this. Its not just my physical health guys, PTSD is hell and I can't recover from it if Im smoking. My heart does weird stuff now. It skips beats. It sputters. It lurches. I'm afraid of a heart attack. An hour later withdrawal sets in and I cannot adequately describe the level of anger. "Rage" is not a sufficient word. It's like a black river of anger that is somehow colder and yet makes me pour sweat and shiver. It is of such force and such magnitude that I think I might physically explode. With this comes self loathing, an equally massive feeling. Dysphoria. So outside I go. And I light a cigarette. And I smell the smoke and I think about how much older I am. And I count dead people. And I think about my mom. And I remember my truck in Afghanistan, the patrols and every personal failure. "I call it playing "I regret". Then my Cigarette is gone and I go back to pretending I'm normal. Going to the hospital tomorrow. I cannot live like this. This isn't even living, and when the things you do to yourself every day make you feel like you are dying you can't even call it survival.

Hi everyone. My name is Jon. I am a 31 year old smoker. I have been smoking for around ten years now. I have about 10 months worth of abstinence in that year. I had to quit for four months due to military training and picked them right back up when I graduated. First one made me feel sick. I kept smoking again. Years later, I lived in the Northeast US and twice I powered through the withdrawls cold turkey. Twice I made it around 90 days, and twice I relapsed in the smoking area at work. Two different relapses, two different jobs, same trigger which was work stress. The withdrawls were bad day one. Day two they were awful. Day three was hell. Day four was weird, super foggy headed and depressed, but it was a tiny bit better than day three and It just got slightly easier every single day after day three. In a week it was bearable, and eventually it got to be so I didn't have a craving unless other people were smoking at work. Then at around the 90 day mark, stress at work hit and wammy! I had a cigarette. Both times I quit it went exactly like that. Life as a non smoker was awesome and I want it back. Now Im 31. I want to quit again and I want to never have another cigarette. I have tried several times to make it through the withdrawls and I just cant quit. Both of my parents died before I was 13 and they both died from smoking. My mother from lung cancer. My father from a series of strokes. They died less than a year apart. I swear to God Im not making that up. At night, sometimes I wake up from a nightmare or just to use the bathroom and my heart is beating so hard that the blanket is moving on my chest. My lung capacity is garbage now. I get a sharp pain in my chest at night and every day I live in fear of a heart attack or Cancer. You should have seen what it did to her. I have GERD and Post Traumatic Stress. Smoking makes my PTSD worse. It hurts my stomach. Im underweight cause I can't eat. My teeth are rotting and blackening. And I can't stop. No matter how hard I try. Im so depressed and I just cant quit. The end of this week, I am going to commit myself to a hospital for PTSD treatment. I am not suicidal or violent. I just need help. I should be there around a week. They are willing to fill my PTSD scripts and provide a week of residential phsychiatric treatment and I'm going to take it. LOCK ME UP AND TAKE MY SMOKES! I have the opportunity to get rid of them now and never have another smoke ever. Im still young and I can physically recover and live a normal lifespan and I want to. This next week is going to be really hard and really scary, but so was Afghanistan. I survived it, and it cost me. This might cost me some pain, suffering and friends but it's for the best. I am going to check in here, tomorrow night and then again, shortly before I hospitalize myself. I will do treatment at the hospital for the week (or so) and then I will be back on the forum or support. LOL probably a lot. I can do this and I can't wait to be able to breathe again. I am going to quit and I am going to live as long as I can.