I have been smoke free for 1 year 1 month and 14 days and am damn proud of every moment of that time and still carrying my mental balloons around with me ?
I notice we have a lot of new quitters and I thought if I shared a post I made on another site when I was around the 3 week mark, it might help you to see, we all go through the mill and, yes, we do come out the other end and much stronger people too.. Just hang on in there and keep pushing forward.. ?
I am writing this firstly in the hope it might help to give somebody else out there a wee bit of extra strength that might be or is going through something similar as it (demon nic) ups it's game when u are at your most vulnerable and secondly when it happens to me again (as I'm sure it will) I can read this back and know I am stronger today as I have beaten my worst and I believe nothing else the demon nic has to throw at me will be as strong because the stronger I get the weaker it gets.
So I was out clothes shopping with my teenage daughter. 3 hours of yeah, maybe, mmmm, not sure, I'll try that again (for the 100th time) and maybees ayes maybees naws, only to walk out yet another shop with nothing. At that point all I kept thinking was time for a coffee and a puff I NEED it (puff that is coffee was an optional extra). The thoughts were quite strong but instead I chain sooked my fisherman's friends. I had got past it or so I thought until we got to the supermarket, picking up the rest of my clan on route. Looking for some idea's I ask "what shall I do for dinner tonight" no reply, I ask again, again and again still nothing from anybody. All got their faces in their blinking phones (including hubby). I'm invisible!! (nothing new there) I can feel my anger building at same time my stress levels already raised now going through the roof and that wee demon voice I had put to the back of the bus was not so wee now and was right up the front SCREAMING in my face "you need a puff it's the only way you're going to calm down, you know it is" . I say one last time in a very shaky voice ideas for dinner the answer I got back was.. dunno... That was it, I lost it. Dropped the basket told them to sort it themselves(that is the polite version?) and ran.
I agreed with the voice I really did need that puff I would commit murder otherwise. I was running straight for the cigarette kiosk I had my eyes fixed on it, hand on purse I got there but didn't stop, instead I ran straight past and into the toilets and locked myself in and sat there shaking, crying and wondering what the hell had just happened to me. After a wee bit I realised the demon voice was at the back of bus again. I still don't know what got me behind that locked door and stopped me buying puffs but I'm so grateful I didn't.
Today I feel okay again but it has taught me not to let my guard down and to take this minute by minute, hour by hour as last few days I had been feeling really strong, totally beating this thing then, WALLOP my demon hit me like a ton of bricks. I also notice that the urge/need to have a puff was over pretty quickly. I know this as to my surprise there wasn't a queue when I came out the toilet and it only has 3 cubicles !! Most importantly I would have been totally gutted and disgusted with myself had I followed that voice and caved in..
I'm now 24 days smoke free and I'll just keep plodding on one day at a time
That day was a turning point for me, I knew I could do this.
Don't get me wrong there were plenty of battles ahead but each one had less power than the one before..
I'm not special and hand on heart, never truely believed I could do this.. So if I can do it so can you..
Just keep pushing forward, it does get easier and so much better. I absolutely love being a non smoker. I am around people who smoke every day and the only thing I feel is pitty for them....
