Christian99

Thank you, Denali--that's kind to say. I'd say your nearly 9 month quit is even more beautiful!!! Keep it up, friend-- C99

Hi Kris-- I felt very much like you during my first 14 months or so. I don't doubt that there are quitters who, for whatever reasons, have a rough couple of weeks and then smoking and thoughts of smoking are entirely in the rear view mirror. But that wasn't me: I'll never forget a terrible day at about the 11 month mark in which, on two separate occasions, I had an unlit cigarette in my mouth, matches in my hand, and tears running down my face. Throughout these months, I couldn't help but think at (many?) times that there must be something wrong with my quit if I'm feeling so crappy for so long. My 1 year anniversary post (on a different site) was all about accepting (and even embracing) the messy, unpleasant, and irascible quit. I've never really been a big proponent, on a personal level, of the importance of "changing your mindset"--whenever I attempted to do that, it felt fundamentally artificial and inauthentic. It's not unrelated, perhaps, to my distaste (to put it mildly) for the insights of Allen Carr and his "easy" way. I think for some of us--and you might be in this category--the quit just needs time, and it benefits from realizing that every single day without a puff is a WIN, regardless of how one feels (though I guess I could be accused of encouraging my own kind of "change in mindset" there). That's not to say that I think it's impossible to mitigate symptoms; however, for me, those things were mostly physical--doing things that were consistent with and supported my non-smoking persona. At some point I just gave up (productively, I think) trying to think about the quit in a new way. I'll leave you with what I think is the most important thing: that regardless of how difficult and interminably long the challenges felt, the transformative freedom that I ultimately achieved was absolutely stunning and so much more profound than I imagined. And that's waiting for you as well. I sometimes wonder, in fact, whether--at least for me--there's a relationship between my sustained misery and the durability and deep meanings of my quit. I don't know, but I do know that I haven't had a single craving (or even a passing thought of smoking) in about 19 years, something I most certainly couldn't have anticipated in those first 14 months. That may or may not happen to you, and the fact that my cravings seem to have been completely extinguished (though I'll always remain vigilant) doesn't make my quit any stronger or better than someone who experiences an occasional twinge. But I think I can guarantee you that you'll experience a kind of freedom that will astound you. While you might think that's easy for me to say at this point, I assure you that I'll never forget that frustrating, frightening stretch during which I felt like the thoughts of smoking would never cease. They did, and they will for you, too, friend. And, most importantly, today was a WIN because you were smokefree. Wishing you the best, Christian99 Nearing 21 Years Quit

You're the boss, Jillar--warmest congratulations! I so admire your commitment to this site and the support you give day after day. Cheers!! Christian99

Hi Marie-- I used Zyban for about the first six weeks of my quit. I think they recommended a three month course at that point, but I felt like I couldn't remain on it because of the tough side effects for me: jitteriness and (more importantly) insomnia. I stayed on it as long as I could, though, because I think it it DID help a little bit with the smoking recovery. I also used nicotine gum for a couple of months. More important than both of those, though, were lots of exercise and new, healthy diet. You can do it, friend-- Christian99 20 Years Quit

Good for you, NF, and glad you're back on track. FWIW, I'd recommend that you remain flexible with your plan with gum: after this current supply runs out, if you find yourself in an absolutely untenable and desperate situation, it's reasonable to at least consider extending your use. And it certainly wouldn't make your quit any less authentic or legitimate than one without NRT. I've been quit for more than twenty years, haven't ingested any nicotine for nearly twenty years, and haven't had a single craving for a cigarette for nearly eighteen. But if I ever found myself in a situation in which I though I might smoke (pretty much unimaginable and unintelligible to me, but still....), I would chew a piece of nicotine gum in a second and consider that a courageous act in protection of my quit. Keep up the great work, friend. We all know you can do it. Christian99

Hello NF: I don't check this site as regularly as I should, but I wish I would have seen your original post in early February. If I had, I would have applied a little pressure to your assertion that "everything I'm reading about nicotine addiction is telling me that my best chances for success are to no longer take in nicotine in any form." It's definitely true that there is vocal and large part of the quitting (and actually non quitting!) community that concentrates on this position; however, that is definitely not the only or universally accepted approach. Many smoking cessation experts understand that SMOKING not nicotine is the central issue to be addressed, especially in the early stages; and, crucially, at one month, a quitter is still in her/his early stages of quitting and recovery. For some (maybe many?) people, it is possible and preferable to completely nicotine free as quickly as possible; however, for others, some form of nicotine replacement--even if that NRT is uneven and has some periods of increase--is more beneficial and conducive for a long-term, lifetime quit. That's my view and the view of some medical experts, the latter who even endorse long-term NRT maintenance therapy for some quitters. And even in those cases, ultimately very few quitters actually remain on nicotine for exceptionally long periods of time. I'm sharing this not to make you feel bad about your decision to cease your NRT use or the loss of your original quit (who knows what would have happened had you continued to chew), but just to invite you to rethink your views about NRT and the assumptions about how it's always in one's best interest to get off of NRT as quickly as possible. Personally, I don't think that's true; in fact, I think that message--powerful as it is in the established quitting community--can actually be quite quite harmful, especially for quitters in their early stages of quitting and recovery. In my book, a day that you don't smoke (whether you use NRT or whether you don't) is a win. Wishing you the best, Christian99 20+ Years Quit

My name's Christian, and I've been quit for 20 years now (smoked from age 18 to age 33). Being a nonsmoker is a fundamental part of my identity, and I continue to benefit from the lessons that I learned from my quitting process. While I haven't had a craving or thought of smoking in about 18 years or so, I remain vigilant because I fear the addiction: the depth and power of my addiction (and the difficulty of those initial stages) were really unsettling and frightening to me. In addition, like many people, I have experienced the health effects of smoking: my brother died at 42 from lung cancer; my mother died at 70 from throat cancer; and I suffered a major heart attack and cardiac arrest at age 40 (my prior smoking obviously a major cause). I've devoted much of my adult life to education, and I'm an English professor at a community college. It's work that I love and that I'm privileged to do. Christian99

Welcome, friend! You've made the greatest, most life-affirming decision possible. I quit at about the same age, and it absolutely transformed my life. Warmest congratulations on your freedom! Be vigilant and be prepared for the challenges ahead. For most of us, recovery is a long and often non-linear process; thus, even when a quitter has some time under her/his belt, there can be rough, unexpected stretches. So it's good to develop some strategies of things to help during those difficult times. For me, exercise was a crucial tool, but find what works for you. Don't hesitate to reach out here if you need some help--you'll find plenty of folks are eager to help. We've all been in your shoes and admire what you're doing. Cheers-- Christian99 20 Years Quit

Way to go, Gus! Your quit and your contributions here are inspirational. Wishing you all the best-- Christian99

Thanks, friends! Greatest thing I've ever done, that's for sure. And, as I've shared probably far too often, quitting literally saved my life. Some details are on my profile if any newer folks are interested (wouldn't have survived the 2008 catastrophe if I'd still been smoking). No great plans for today, unfortunately, but we have a pretty sweet Caribbean vacay planned in January--splurging in a few ways on that trip with all my quit savings. All the best, Christian99 20 Years Quit

Was pretty lazy yesterday: just lounged around watching football and stuff and never got out for a run. A reasonable food day, though, so that's good: for dinner, made some roasted (and then air fried) butternut squash cubes, corn on the cob, and more of the cabbage soup. The kids are even eating the cabbage soup, which is nice. My family often doesn't eat my veggie based dishes, and I've stopped fighting those battles: eat it if you want, I say, but I'm probably not going to make separate stuff for you (although I usually do anyway). I'll definitely run today.

Reasonable day yesterday: ran two miles at the canal and would have run more but it was getting very dark. Much better, too, with food: although I had some fried things at an Italian festival in the early afternoon, dinner was fresh corn, cabbage soup, and a big salad. I had a little popcorn later, which is fine. I'd like to run four miles today, but will commit to something.

Good news and bad news. The good news is that I ran 3 1/2 miles through my (hilly) neighborhood after work. It was tough and I'm a little sore this morning, but I did OK. The bad news is that I ate like a crazy person yesterday. Dinner was fine (homemade cabbage soup and vegan chiken nuggets), but then I just kept grazing all evening--gummy bears, crackers and peanut butter, ice cream, tortilla chips, etc. It's a little disappointing because, while the running seems to be going well, I absolutely know that it's impossible to outrun or outexercise a bad diet. I'll commit to more reasonable and disciplined eating today and a run of four miles at the park or canal.

I'm sorry to hear that things feel so dark for you right now, and I remember the desire for comfort you're describing: probably a year into my quit, I knew it wasn't a cigarette I wanted, but in the midst of sustained personal and professional challenges, I felt I had exhausted my other strategies for solace. Something that I tried to remember is that, ultimately, smoking would most certainly make things worse in the long run and that losing my freedom in this respect would only deepen my difficulties (largely because the quit had laid bare and ultimately eradicated the structures of denial that enabled "comfortable"--or any kind of--smoking). And I determined that if remaining quit was the only thing of which I could be proud (and of course it wasn't for me or for you), well at least I'd do that. I'm sure you know all of this, but I just wanted to let you know I hear you and understand maybe a small measure of what you're experiencing. Moreover, I admire your courage in the face of the difficulties and your continued commitment to a smoke free life. Christian99 Nearing 20 Years Quit

Had a good day yesterday. Ran 4 miles at the canal after work and then had a healthy dinner: vegan (Soy Boy) ravioli in homemade sauce, roasted honey mustard broccoli, a green salad, and watermelon for dessert. I just started a big pot of cabbage soup in the crock pot, so I'll have that tonight after a run. It would be great if 4 miles could become the new normal for me. I timed myself on the 4 miles, and I ran 10:45/mile. I wasn't really pushing it like in a race, but it wasn't a leisurely, pleasant jog. That pace is OK, though it's at least a minute slower than I was running regular training runs four or five years ago.

Thank you rain? It was raining yesterday after work, so I didn't run. I certainly could have (and, living in a pretty snowy area in winter, I've learned to run in inclement weather), but I decided to take the day off. Five days in a row seemed like enough. Perhaps not coincidentally (as exercise generally suppresses my appetite a little bit, which seems counterintuitive), my eating wasn't great either. Dinner was fine: had a (vegan) sausage and stuffing casserole with a baked potato and homemade gravy, plus a nice salad. But then later I had a couple (non vegan) chocolate treats with a big dollup of peanut butter and an italian ice. The italian ice is fine, but the saturated fat (and the dairy) in chocolate isn't really part of my program. That's OK. I don't like or use the term "cheat day," but the day certainly could have been worse. Today, I will run: maybe I'll switch it up and run through the neighborhood. It's not my preferred route because it's hilly, but the change will do me good.

I took a leisurely short run at the canal last night--only two miles, but my feet and hips were a little bit sore from the successive days of running, so I decided to make it a short one. It was also super humid; thankfully, that's supposed to break today. For dinner, I had a nice bowl of beans that I had put in the crockpot in the morning, a big salad, and watermelon. I've started to make beans like that pretty regularly--they're so easy and produce a much better textured bean than from a can (though I also like canned baked beans). I'll commit to some cardio today, in whatever form. There's a running group that gathers on Wednesdays, and maybe I'll join them--I'll admit, though, that many of them are younger and faster, so it's not ideal. We'll see.

Well, I surprised myself by going for a run after work. It was getting dark, but still safe and pleasant (if a little buggy). Did three miles along the canal (just like the day before). Embarrassingly, I can't remember the last time I ran four days in a row, so it looks like I'm developing some new momentum--and this forum is helping, I think. Dinner was so-so: I decided to make spicy, stir-fried green beans (picked up some at the farmers mkt over the weekend), and added some fresh bell peppers and spinach. Sounds promising, but the execution wasn't awesome. I rarely cook with recipes, which leads to interesting results both bad and good. Ate half and threw out the rest; then had some leftover impossible meatballs and sauce. I'll commit to some cardio again today, in whatever form that takes. I usually can get out a little early on Tuesdays.

Hi Tara-- Sometimes a failed quit can prompt us to reassess our overall approach, and it's worth thinking about whether that could be beneficial for you at this point. Instead of vowing just to "try harder" in general (which is a noble but vague goal), maybe think about adding something(s) different to your next attempt. After I failed a few times, I took a step back and asked myself what, exactly, I could do differently that might lead to better outcome. I felt like I had already tried very hard, so I focused the next time on concrete things that I'd do differently, which in my case, turned out to be using nicotine gum and dramatically increasing in my exercise. Those were my changes, and they may not necessarily apply to you; however, are there some specific activities/interventions that you could bake into your next attempt, for when you're feeling especially vulnerable? That might help. We know you can do it-- Christian99 Nearing 20 Years Quit

I ran 3 miles yesterday along the canal--I felt really comfortable and am actually a little disappointed in myself that I didn't run more. It's an up and back route, and I turned around exactly at 1.5 mile--I think I should have run to the 2 mile marker. But that's three running days in a row, so that's good. Then had a nice dinner of spaghetti and Impossible meatballs and sauce. I'm going to commit to some sort of cardio activity tonight, even if it's just a long walk with the dog.

Wow, that's impressive Acewhite! While I can swim (in general), I'm terribly inefficient and would never be able to do a tri like that. And I bet that uphill mile was a grind! Awesome-- c99

Pleased that I did go for that run yesterday: did 3 1/2 miles at the county park, and it was great to see so many people enjoying the day. Our area has a fair number of refugees (and lots seem to use the park), which contributes to the beautiful diversity there. I'll run another 3-4 miles today and then probably take tomorrow off. Mondays tend to be super busy for me at work...though one could argue that's precisely why I should run tomorrow (to relieve stress after work). First things first, I'll run today. Ideally, I'd like to get my daily runs back to 5 miles.

California has been such a leader in passing legislation relevant to smoking--I think you're really lucky to be there! C99

I'm really gratified that my college has finally gone entirely smoke and nicotine free (including e-cigs). For the last five years or so, we had a policy that smoking was permitted only in parking lots, but the smoking would creep towards the buildings--especially (but not only) in inclement weather. The administration realized that the best approach was to adopt a more universal prohibition, and so far compliance seems to be pretty good. I'm glad, too, that they've tried to support this new policy by expanding access to cessation tools (meds, group therapy, etc.) that are available to members of the campus community. I remember advocating a policy like this about twelve years ago during a full, formal faculty meeting and being pretty much shouted down as being a representative of the "nanny state." Well, perhaps I was getting a bit ahead of where we were as a college and a broader culture at the time, but I'm thrilled that it's finally come to pass. Maybe related or not, I had a student see me after class last week and share that her significant other was trying to quit; she asked if I had any advice for him. She knows I'm a former smoker because I included that fact in my initial introduction to them on the first day of the semester. It's important to me that my students to know me as a person, and few things are more central to my identity than that. I also wear a pretty obvious (some might say garish) lanyard around my neck every day that proclaims "Proud to be Tobacco Free!" I was really touched that she thought I might be able to help; however, I'm realizing right now that I forgot to mention this site. Ugh. What got me thinking of this is the 3 month celebration post by a quitter about how, as a teacher, he's really happy that he's no longer smoking. I totally understand that, and for me, a lot of it has to do with the kind of example I wasn't and now AM setting for my students. Of course, I don't want to overstate that influence: as an educator of adults, I'm hardly the most significant figure in their lives, and often they're taking my class just to fulfill a requirement. But, still, I'm pleased that I no longer have to try to hide my addiction or internalize feelings of shame for it. And maybe a couple of people will, in fact, be helped as a result of my presence. Keep up the great work everyone-- Christian99 Nearing 20 Years Quit

That is such an incredible motivator, Steven! I'm a teacher, too, and when I smoked I felt terrible about its implications for my craft (e.g., students were subjected to my inattention and stink) and for the poor example I felt I was tacitly setting for my learners. I really tried to use that additional motivation in the initial months. Keep up the awesome work, and I hope you'll treat yourself today! C99