nervousnellie

oh no, i am so sorry if you felt i was offended or anything - not at all! i was just nervous [hence the name, always nervous lol] that i hadn't explained myself. i didn't want my post to sound like i was making an excuse about seeing a doctor during this as to why i should keep smoking. but like i said, i have been KTQ this entire time - so there's that! :)

congratulations! such a huge accomplishment and SUCH a huge boost of confidence for those who are new, like myself. tons of admiration stemming from me right now!

i am over the hump of my first day.....again. i can honestly say that this is the third time i have tried to quit CT and i am hoping the saying rings true that third time's a charm! the first time i tried, i went about 22 hours and felt like i was going to rip my skin off and beat someone else with it. the second time i tried to quit was just this past week where i went 55 hours into my quit and gave up. no excuses, this was my doing and i know i need to do this the right way -- for my own safety, life and health. i am one of the oddballs with this though i feel like. because i beat myself up, over and over again, because i kicked a nine year opiate addiction in two weeks and now any sort of medication scares the dickens out of me. i won't even look in the direction of medication because of what i went through. i did my opiate [percocet and vicodin] withdrawal at home, by myself, no medications - just me, my cigarettes, TV, water and gatorade - and lots and lots of showers. cigarettes helped me get through that two wee time period in my life. here i am almost eight years sober from that addiction and i find it so hard to quit the cigarettes. some people say that quitting something is the easiest thing they have done in life. even after the dust has settled for almost the past decade, i can still say without a shadow of a doubt that quitting pain pills was the hardest thing i had done. scratch that. quitting them was easy - withdrawal was the hardest thing i had ever gone through in my life. i like that this site gives you the option to keep a journal. i want to have something where, in a few months and years, i can look back and read what i was going through to keep me motivated. so far, here is what i have been feeling: depressed antsy sleep escapes me, so i am having broken up sleep heart races off and on cloudy/foggy head irritated a lot i went out this morning and got two packs of gum. i had bought myself two small bags of werther's hard candies during my last attempt to quit so i have been using those every now and then as well. tonight is grocery shopping night for me, so i am hoping that this lousy feeling in my head clears up a little before that. i feel like i am going to fall over and faint - and i feel dizzy and lightheaded a lot as well. i have to keep telling myself that i would rather take these symptoms than the ones i had with pain pill withdrawal. trust me when i say that poo'ing on yourself a couple of times a day because you couldn't get to the bathroom fast enough isn't a good look for anyone. i have also been feeling intense sadness. when i went through my pain pill detox at home - i relied heavily on a forum that i am proud to say i am still an active member on after all of these years. the forum used to be flooded with people needing help with their detox, but i am seeing that dwindle down a lot. what used to be such a bust forum/message board is now a place where you're lucky if someone posts once a day. it doesn't make me sad for me.....it makes me sad that there aren't more people out there taking charge of their lives like so many have and want for these people. i dunno, just makes me sad - that's what i was getting at. i had a phone call last night from someone i went to school with named brandon. he is doing his thing in the big apple and is an actor - i always knew he would go far - but he is on week five of his quit and he is loving life now. he saw where i had posted on my facebook page about quitting and reached out and it meant a lot to me. i don't know what it is, but i enjoy hearing about what people have suffered and gone through with their quits; i am just that type of person that loves being prepared for the worst, if it were to ever come to that. having panic disorder hasn't helped my quit, honestly. i am so fearful of any and every thing that could happen to me. i didn't have panic disorder when i went through my opiate nonsense, so i sort of tried to breeze through it and had little to no worries about it. with this, i have worries. i think that's it for now. lots of rambling and i apologize for that. i guess it's okay, though, because i feel like this can be somewhat of a safe place for me to put every thing down in words.

side note: i have been KTQ this time so far - and will continue to do so, even after the doctor's appointment friday. thank you all for the concerns and positive vibes. glad to have found this forum.

ok

not sure what you mean, but maybe i didn't use my words the best i could have. my spouse is military and we are on tricare prime. because of this, we are assigned to a clinic/doctor, all military - we cannot go anywhere else, unless it is an emergency, and have it covered by tricare. and even in a state of emergency, they mostly do not cover it. i had an emergency four months ago where i accidentally put a knife through my hand while cutting food - rushed to the ER and had to get stitches and lost a lot of blood in the meantime; they did not cover that even. not that it matters, i suppose. what i am trying to say is yes....i realize i can go anywhere in the USA and be seen by a doctor if i had the funds to do so - the visit, the money for blood work, etc. - unfortunately, like many, i do not have those extra funds at the moment. i hope this helps your understanding of why i must wait [not wait to quit, i am KTQ as we speak] to be seen by my doctor. when i said i wish i could go see "any doctor i wanted" what i meant by that was saying that i wish i could go see any doctor and not just the military doctors, and have it covered by our insurance.

thank you so much for the kind words. :)

lately nothing - only because me and heat do not mix! if i get outside before it's too hot, though, i enjoy just standing there and looking out into our yard while i take the dogs out. but then the heat hits for too long and i quickly get the dogs back in.

that is the beauty of your spouse being military. i wish i could go see any doctor i please and be seen at any given moment as a walk in. unfortunately they do not see routine blood work because i want to quit smoking safely as en emergency. :( thank you for the kind words

when will they have an answer for you? prayers lifted up!

thank you - i got my appointment for 1:15pm on friday and KTQ until then, as long as i can. i will do it!

completely agree that quitting will help improve no matter what - i am excited for it. i was able to get an appointment for friday at 115pm and i am excited for that as well. i pray he doesn't try to get me to go on medications for this because i will decline. i haven't even taken anything OTC in close to a decade, since i quit opiates. [eight years sober, not nine - us addicts have to correct that since we "earned" our time, haha!] thank you all, again, for the kind comments.

i haven't smoked for a while today - trying to hold fast with the quit while waiting for the phone call. i am praying they can get me in sooner than later, so i can go in with some of my quit under my belt.

my friend is one of those people. she can go months and months without smoking but then will smoke for a week or weekend, yet can put them back down for another few months when there is much going on around her. i will never understand that. the obvious would be to just keep leaving them put down. i wish it was as easy as some mention it to be. i know that everyone's journey is different. some have it better than others with the physical [and definitely mental] aspects of their quit. but in the long run, support is huge. but people like myself need to do the footwork.

thank you for the recommendation. i called yesterday and their next appointment is 12 days from now as of yesterday. i am hoping they will return my call soon and let me know if they can squeeze me in ASAP - they are 'out for lunch' and will be back by 1:30 so praying they do call me back.

thank you :) like i said in the comment above yours, i do want to quit - but i do want to make sure i am going about it the healthy way. thank you so much for your kind words.

thank you all for the sweet comments. i do not know how to say this, but i do want to quit but i would also like to see a doctor first - hence why i asked if it is a good idea, or if anyone else had gone to a PCP prior to. i know it sounds like i am looking for a reason to prolong my quit, and maybe that IS part of it. but 98% of it is because i want to do this the healthy way. [backstory: i quit opiates cold turkey after weaning down from them for a couple of weeks - i did the detox and withdrawal from home for two weeks - i am now eight years sober...you would think quitting cigarettes would be easier; i have found they are not] i know that everyone's journey and quit is different. i was a part of another forum for smoking cessation but left it because i was vert negative toward people when i should not have been. [just being honest] but was told about this site and figured it would be my last ditch effort for support whilst hubby is at work during the day. luckily, i work out of the home and am able to stay online as needed. thank you all again for the support.

thank you for letting me join here. i know that everyone's quit is different, i will start out with that. my question is: has anyone spoken to a doctor prior to their quit? the side effects in my 55 hour quit were some of the worst i have ever felt in my life. when i say this, i mean i quit a nine year opiate addiction cold turkey with major side effects - none of which held a flame to what i went through just recently. i did quit my quit but i want to jump back on track. in speaking to my husband about this along with my fears, he suggested going to the doctor and getting blood work, etc. done to make sure i am not having other issues awaken that were otherwise masked by the cigarettes. ex. blood sugar issues, blood pressure, diabetes, etc. i will say that i have hypoglycemia but have not been to the doctor in seven years. i also want to say that my husband is military, so i cannot just walk into a doctor's office and ask to be seen immediately, due to there being protocols for that sort of thing. thank you for listening.

thank you for the kind words. and congratulations on three years

i recently tried to quit and quit my quit. i want to get better. i need to learn how to handle my anger and frustrations and stress levels better - but sometimes i feel as if that is such a far cry for me. the longest i had gone with a quit was 22 hours up until a couple of days ago. i was reaching 55 hours and my anger got the best of me. i went outside and smoked. my fault, my doing, and i am owning up to that. what was worse was my husband had left for work super early this morning and i found a note on the counter from him with his vaporizer laying on it that said: be strong we can do this. i had to call him and let him know that while he had finally gotten on board with quitting, i had relapsed and failed. the point i am trying to make is that i am 34 and have been a smoker for going on 18 years. i need help in doing this and i feel like, after speaking with my husband, i need to see a doctor and seek professional help while doing this. i do not want or care to take medications or anything - i just want to be able to put the cigarettes down and walk away for good. i want to seek professional help to deal with how i felt when i was trying to quit and to also get blood work done to make sure that this quit is not going to raise any other issues that may have been otherwise masked by the smoking. [blood sugar, blood pressure, etc] has anyone done this before, where they see a doctor prior to their quit? thanks for allowing me to join here and introduce myself.