Hi Abby. I’m glad you’re here fighting to maintain your quit. I’ve learned something from your post and that is it isn’t fair to anyone to hold back what’s really going on for fear of scaring newbies. I know I’ve had those thoughts at times and in fact have not posted certain feelings/thoughts for that reason. In reading your account, it’s clear that the truth should be told because everyone is deferent and everyone’s experience is valuable. Newbies would also see and could be reminded if a disclosure such as yours frightens them, that most people do not have strong urges to smoke after such a long quit. They can also see that if it does happen, it’s possible to hold onto a quit, like you have, and come out the other side of it, like you will if you stay committed to NOPE.
I can’t help wondering if your false statement that you smoked somehow reawakened the addiction with a vengeance. You did, on some level, allow the option of smoking into your head even if you didn’t actually do it. Perhaps if you could shift into a “smoking is off the table” mentality, these thoughts and urges would calm down. With your health issues, you have a compelling reason to validate that mindset.