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Why did I quit? I didn't mean to, honest! I quit by accident. Long story short, one day after years of clever doublethink and self deception, I thought a thought so stupid, and brutal, and ridiculous that it laid bare what I had worked so hard to keep covered. I didn't use the word, but in that moment I saw I was addicted and I knew what that meant, and I couldn't unsee it. I never smoked again. What did I gain? Oh, 40lbs or so. Yeah... But I'm still a better cyclist now than before, and my legs burn before my lungs do. Like TEW above me, I gained a serenity that I had forgotten existed - it's so strange to think I used to smoke to relax. I'm ashamed how much I adore sleep, now that I can do it for real again. When I hug people I love (hi Mom!) I don't pull away early out of fear that I stink. When I'm with friends I'm actually in the moment, and not jonesing for a chance to break out and smoke up. Ahh, there's too much to write. But one thing more - I gained freedom. All those days and nights of torture waiting to smoke, running out of smokes, running out to smoke, stacking quarters or hustling to the ATM at 2am... even if I'd believed I could quit, I just assumed I'd have to struggle and live with the "loss" every day of my life. Imagine my surprise that somewhere along the way when I wasn't looking, I just got over it. Fully and completely. It's nearly midnight now, and I've had a few drinks, and I'm completely out of cigarettes. There was a time when that last bit would have been the only thing on my mind. Now, I just made myself laugh.

Hmm, a day late, and don't even ask about the dollar... Congratulations dude, you nailed it!

The emotional repercussions were the hardest thing for me as well, and somewhere around month 2-4 I went into a very dark hole. In fact it was SO dark, I knew it had to be an effect of quitting, and I was therefore able to depersonalize the experience and just observe myself suffering, without succumbing to it. I know that sounds bleak, but within a month or so I was over the hump, and nearly 3 years later I've never looked back. Welcome. Cry your heart out. Yell at the walls (this one worked great for me!). Do whatever you have to do, we've all been there and we're on your side. Oh, and while we are more forgiving than WhyQuit (I never joined over there because I never thought I'd make it), the rules of the game are mostly the same. No smoking. That is all. edit: Congrats on almost 4 months already!

Don't frown! It smells good to me still too, in context - drifting on an early morning breeze, in faint wisps... but hey, so does a bonfire, and I'm not about to grab a birch branch and huff it! I even like the smell of gasoline and chalk dust, but again, only in context. The cigarettes I smoked didn't smell good, they burned my lungs and my eyes, and made my clothes and car stink and my teeth and fingers brown.. awful things... All I'm saying is, context.

I am bringing up the rear in my zamboni. Welcome to Canada. I totally relate. I quit on a small now-defunct board, and around my month 2 or 3 a long-time quitter began romancing smoking right there in front of me - she had at least a decade! I couldn't take it, and I felt my lizard junkie stirring, so I bailed. I don't think it's like that here, and I don't recommend you check out... BUT! This is your quit. You did it, you own it (I like saying that today!). You do whatever it takes to keep it. This place is full of good advice and perspective, but you are the boss of you, and you decide what's right. There is only one goal, and you already know what it is.

No one who's gone through quitting is going to judge you for slipping, I hope you realize that. But I gotta agree with Nancy here, relapses don't "happen", we do them. I'm pretty sure you're the last person I need to lecture regarding the perils of the passive voice. You did it, so own it. But yes, any one of us could choose to relapse at any time, no question. But many of us never will, and your goal is to belong to that cohort. Starting now. And again, you really don't remember a thing? Unless you were completely smashed or have an underlying medical condition, I have a hard time seeing it. Really?? I'm really glad you're jumping right back on board. Please forgive any apparent harshness in my reply - none of it is said in judgement. But I think it's imperative to be brutally honest, with oneself if no one else, and like every other soul on this board, I only want you to win.

The most truth ever spake - where the hell were you upstream?

I don't think an apology is necessary. It's great if you thought about what others said and changed your mind, but you have a right to your opinion whatever it is, and I don't think anyone could be offended by it. And that's just something you'll have to get used to for a while. We've all been there!

Exactly so. This is a tricky area - for one thing, it's a dangerous lure to all the addicts (like me) who imagine that maybe they just weren't doing it right, and if they tried again they could smoke only socially, and keep control. As I've said elsewhere, this delusion was what kept me hooked for years while doing real damage, but it was just so damn seductive and I didn't know any better. Plus, it seemed so unfair - if they can do it, why can't I? The answer, of course, is that's just life. If you want to renounce life, by all means smoke! The other reason it's tricky is, if there are some true social smokers who aren't actually addicts, and if smoking does nothing good beyond the illusion of relief created by relieving the very craving the addictions causes, then why exactly are they smoking? What's it doing for them? I have my own ideas on this, but I'll save them for another post. Bottom line: for everyone here, there is no such thing as YOU being a social smoker. And while the reasons might be interesting, once you've been quit for a while, you'll realize how utterly it doesn't matter.

See, now these are the type of SOS posts people really enjoy!

Well, then, I've got good news for you - there is such a thing! But the bad news is, it can never be you. I never quite know what to say to relapses, as I never did. But I say that with humility - I never even TRIED to quit for years, because I was so certain I would fail, and was too afraid to try. The illusion that I could "just be a social smoker", or "only smoke when..." was the hook that kept me in the trap. Let it go, and be free. Welcome back!

On this side of the Pond, it's considered inappropriate to romance one's employee. Just a thought...

ding!

How true, and thus how sad. Of course, irl he was suffering from advanced copd. Not very logical.. must have been his human side.

There, I fixed that for you. Sure! I think it sounds ridiculous. Not nearly as ridiculous as slowly killing yourself by obsessively sucking on stinky burning leaves, of course. And I actually think it helps to do ridiculous things when quitting, to reinforce to your subconscious how ridiculous smoking was. I often sang deliberately out of key, or had little micro rants (generally when out of earshot), or even mime smoked an air cigarette. And you're still quit and here you are, so I think that ridiculous thing you did was awesome.

You often say smart things, but I think you need to stop and reflect on how absolutely true this is. And how lucky you are, even if you made that luck yourself. You were right to worry - don't ever doubt that.

Hello & welcome! You are probably going to feel a little lost and tense for the next while no matter what you do, though I think something like swimming is a great idea - but it will pass. Congratulations on 18 days, that's likely the worst of the physical withdrawal, now it's all about undoing and rewiring the associations you've created by smoking. Grab a seat and find something good to read - it really is the key. I think there's a newbie package around here somewhere. Also, there's a lot more "good news" than just silly cilia, which you will enjoy in due course,

When I was at that stage, what often worked for me was to consciously remember smoking a cigarette. But not just the "romantic" delusion the addiction recalls, but every single moment, feeling and sensation... the constriction of the throat, and mild gag as I forced myself to inhale... the blinding sting of errant smoke that hit my eyeball... the violent, wretching itching cough when I'd already had "too many"... By really focusing my attention on the complete experience in all its pathos, I was able to break the spell and go about my day. Of course, I had to do this more than once before it stuck!

Such a great answer. I am here, and no longer there, sadly. While I am here - where are JClarke & Brenndy?

Last night of vacation, no time for sentences. Gabby, how can you think you are not strong? Can you read what you wrote? How many people could have done what you did, LITERALLY snatching victory from the jaws of defeat? I never spoke to you before, but I think you're a rock star. What an awesome test of character, and a trigger vanquished. You just passed a huge test in dramatic fashion. I salute you.

Below "zero F"? What kinda Canadian are you, anyways? Besides, it's been a fair while since I considered it a pleasure to watch the Canucks play. But it is good to hear from you, my friend. Stay warm, happy and on the train.

Also thinking of you and your sister, and sending good thoughts.

A very quick update from my phone, where I thumb type from a beach bed (who knew that's a thing) on the Mayan Riviera in Mexico, feet from the warm ocean. I'm not trying to make you jealous, just setting the stage. Drinks are included, and thus early and often. I'm with family, and the inevitable irritations (but more often pleasures). And everywhere people are smoking. On the beach, in the restaurants, in the next bed over right now. Locals hawk cigars up and down the beach. And I couldn't be more profoundly apathetic. Sometimes the smell aggravates me, like when it's at the next table. Other times I kinda like it, wafting from far away at sunrise. But at no level of my being do I want one, or miss one, or feel deprived. And I thought that was a message worth sharing. Twenty years ago was my other time in Mexico and I smoked unfiltered Camels and drank straight Tequila. I still drink the Tequila, and could not be more content. To those behind me - keep coming. Your fears are illusions. See you when you get here.

I wanna say something about deja vu, but I hate repeating myself...

Tyme, Mike's right. You need to stop feeling guilty right now - you are absolutely nailing this to the proverbial wall! We all have our own ideas, but in the end it doesn't matter how you quit. Just that you do it. And you are, and it's a great thing to see.