Jump to content

Chrysalis

Members
  • Posts

    1116
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    2

Blog Entries posted by Chrysalis

  1. Chrysalis
    I have a shameful secret that I never shared with anybody... I find staying quit harder than the original quitting. This has bothered me for months. To this day, I feel that I could easily and happily go right back to smoking 2 packs a day with no problem.
     
    The weird thing is that I am NOT romancing the cigarette. My rational brain knows perfectly well that there are an endless number of reasons NOT to smoke and zero reasons TO smoke. But here I am 11 months quit and I don't feel any better. I don't feel FREE (as some people claim)! I don't have more energy. I don't revel in my non-smoker status. Plus I gained a significant amount of weight and can't get rid of it. I won't smoke, but I am not a happy camper. And my life in general has been stuck in a boring, unfulfilling rut for the last year or more. I don't think that's because I quit smoking. But never-the-less, I have been feeling bored and boring and useless and adrift and disappointed and the fact that I quit smoking doesn't cheer me up at all.
     
    But Babs started a thread the other day that really got me to thinking. It's titled "Nicotine Replacement Therapy" . In it, she explains that she is not referring to alternative sources of nicotine like gum or patches. She is referring to replacing smoking's role in your life. As she said: "Most people who have an addiction--whether it's to smoking, food, drugs, alcohol, people, sex...whatever it is...they can't just "put it down" without a replacement. There has to be a plan...there has to be an alternative." She went on to suggest several things that people can do to replace smoking. But those things didn't work for me. I mean, yes, when I was suffering from strong nicotine cravings and had to distract myself, exercise, music, yoga breathing and things like that were life savers. But to just fill the "emptiness" I'm feeling since quitting? Not so much.
     
    I am happy to report that I think I finally figured out what I've been missing-- I'm missing my right brain. Meaning being in touch with the creative, emotional, imaginative, "big picture" side of my brain. I have read many, many posts from people who get very emotional when they first quit smoking. They rage, they cry, they get their feelings hurt. They pick arguments with spouses and yell at the kids and they NEVER used to behave that way! I believe that smoking helps to tamp down our emotions. Somehow, the nicotine itself is biochemically soothing. And the act of stepping away from a stressful situation (like the constant bickering between your kids) for a few minutes to smoke and clear your mind and collect your wits really helps keep your emotions in check. Without the chemical nicotine and the smoking ritual, our emotions get totally out of whack unless and until we can find some other way to deal with them. Or, as Babs said, until we find a "nicotine replacement".
     
    For me, I realized that rather than continuing to try to tamp down my emotions the way I used to do with cigarettes, I need to bring them out into the light and defang them. To do that I need to get in touch with my right brain by being creative. For me, cooking, gardening, and art are my favorite forms of creative expression. I still cook sometimes (after all, one has to eat, right?) but I have let my gardening and my art work go for a couple of years now. That was a mistake. I miss those pursuits. I need those pursuits. So I am going to resurrect them.
     
    As a first step in the right direction I cleaned up my "artist's nook" this weekend. As with any disused room it got filled up with junk and dust and cob webs. So I got in there and cleaned it up and set up my easel again. That felt good. And today I read some of my "Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain" book and then painted a picture. Note that I am NOT an artist and I don't try to be one. I just mess around with paint or charcoal to relax and let my mind wander and to get in touch with my emotions. My main inspiration for this approach is called the "Point Zero" method. It's very freeing! Check it out on
    . And finally, I uploaded some images of my artist's nook and my "emotive art :D " for you to see. Remember, these paintings are not meant to be "good" or "bad". They're just meant to wake up the right side of my brain and be fun. You can view them here 
    I hope that if I get back to regular exercising and back to regular creative pursuits I can finally climb out of this rut I have dug for myself in the last year. Obviously, what I have been experiencing is not just related to quitting smoking-- there have been some other major changes in my life lately that have also had an impact-- but I am tired of being where I am and I'm ready to make some changes.
     
    As Babs said, I need to find my own, personal "nicotine replacement therapy." Thanks, Babs!
  2. Chrysalis
    My mother got settled in at a rehab facility the other day so I was able to come home yesterday. It's a long, boring drive (8 hours) so even though I listen to talking books, I do sometimes wish I had a cigarette to break the monotony.
     
    At one point I stopped to get gas and use the restroom. As I was leaving the store I was looking around a bit. The clerk caught my eye and asked if she could help me. I said, "Yes. Tell me no." She looked puzzled and wary but said, "No." I said, "Thank you." Then I continued, "I quit smoking some months ago but I saw your sign advertising cigarettes for $3.25 a pack. So I was thinking..." She immediately caught on and said, "NO!! Absolutely not!! Get out of this store right now!" So I did. We both had a good laugh over the exchange.
     
    I probably would not have bought any cigarettes, but for certain sure that clerk would not have sold me any even if I wanted them. That's what I call good customer service! :)
  3. Chrysalis
    Good news-- my mother has recovered enough that she will be transferred to a rehab facility today. Excellent! She has been treated at this rehab facility before and likes it so I think that the familiarity of the people and the routines will help her to feel secure and to recover faster. So assuming that she does get to rehab today and get settled in, I think I will be able to go home tomorrow.
     
    I wanted to share an observation with you that has nothing to do with smoking but which may come in handy for you some day. As you may know, pneumonia is one of the major causes of death in hospitals, especially among elderly patients. If the patients can get up and walk around, there is little danger, but for people who are confined to bed, pneumonia is a real danger. That is why hospitals always give patients a spirometer- a graduated plastic cylinder that contains a ping pong ball. The patient needs to breathe in to raise the ball. A spirometer encourages the patient to breathe deeply to expand their lungs and cough up any fluids that start to accumulate (pneumonia grows in the accumulated lung fluids).
     
    Every time I visited my mother I made sure that she used the spirometer every hour or two and I insisted that she try to make the ball rise higher than last time. Yesterday she said to me, "Why are you the only one who makes me use this thing?" Frankly, I was shocked but I realized that she was right. Not one other person ever reminded her to use the spirometer-- no nurse, no physical therapist, no occupational therapist-- nobody. And yet, because of my constant prompting, my mother's post-surgical lung capacity increased from 250 cc to a near normal 1100 cc over the course of 3 days, the fluid in her lungs is gone and she is not in danger of developing pneumonia.
     
    In addition to the spirometer, I also reinforce the physical therapy. So, for example, a PT will come in each morning and have Mom do some arm and torso exercises and then sit on the edge of the bed for a while. This helps her strength and breathing and balance. But they only come once a day. So I had them teach me how so that Mom and I can do the PT exercises 3 times a day (i.e., sitting up for meals). Bedsores are also a major hazard so I found out how to safely turn Mom every 2 hours. Same with an anti-itch cream-- supposed to be applied to her back every 2-3 hours but the nurses do it once or twice a day. So I do it every time I turn her. In a high-intensity situation like this (i.e., post surgery) I will generally be visiting my mother for 5 or 6 hours a day and I am usually busy most of that time.
     
    My point here is not that I am any sort of superhero. My point is that now-a-days hospital personnel are very busy and often have too many patients to care for and too much computer work to do. Family members who visit patients, especially elderly patients, can do a lot to reinforce and extend what the professionals do even if you, like me, have no medical training. In this way, our loved ones will be more comfortable, will regain their strength more quickly, and will not develop dangerous and debilitating bedsores or pneumonia.
     
    Just something that I have learned as a typical "sandwich generation" baby boomer. I hope this information will be of help to you.
  4. Chrysalis
    My sister just left for the airport to go home. I did NOT fight with her this week. I did NOT smoke. Hooray for both of us!
     
    Basically, we stayed out of each other's way. We took different shifts staying with Mom at the hospital. During the few hours that we were in the same house, we stayed in different rooms and ate different meals at different times. We spoke as often as necessary about Mom's condition and care and other than that we had nothing to say to each other. A sad state of affairs for sisters but surely better than the tension and screaming fights we have had in the past.
     
    Mom's condition is improving. She was really hit hard by the surgical anesthesia and was semi-comatose for the first 36 hours. Because she was laying in bed for so long being completely inert and non-responsive, my sister and I began to be concerned about her developing pneumonia (the #1 killer of elderly hospitalized patients). So Friday night I stayed in her room all night and woke her up every 2 hours by rubbing ice water on her face so that she would wake up enough to breathe deeply and cough up any accumulated fluids. She got really mad at me for doing that but too bad. It worked. By Saturday afternoon she was awake enough to use that spirometer-thingy to get her lungs functioning so I was happy.
     
    Her vital signs are good. She's getting some early PT and hopefully will be able to transfer to a rehab hospital near her home on Monday or Tuesday. I'm telling you, this is one tough old bird! My sister and I did share a laugh the other day when we were marveling at our mother's toughness. We began to speculate that the only thing that would kill Mom would be a stake through her heart! Life is strange. At 92 with many serious injuries and disabilities and the loss of most friends and many loved ones, my mother has said many times that she is "ready to go". And yet each time the opportunity to die presents itself (like 3 heart attacks, a broken neck and now this surgery), she fights her way through it. I guess her life force is still strong in her. It's fascinating to watch.
     
    So I'm still in Tampa until Mom gets settled in a rehab facility. But I'm relieved about Mom's condition, relieved that I didn't fight with my sister, and relieved that I didn't smoke. Basically, just relieved all around! :) Thank you all for being there for me and thank you for your good wishes and your prayers. You really helped me to weather some of the rough times this past week. Hugs to all of you fine people
    ((( :wub: QT Friends!! :wub: )))
  5. Chrysalis
    Just a quick note to let you know that my mother got through her surgery without any problems. Naturally, she will need close observation and aggressive pain management for the first 72 hours, but so far so good.
     
    Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes. I'll write more later.
     
    PS-- I'm not smoking and not even jonesing about smoking. Hooray!
  6. Chrysalis
    I am happy to report that so far things are going better here than I expected. In the first place, I'm feeling pretty calm about my mother's condition. She's resting comfortably in the hospital awaiting surgery this afternoon. The doctors and nurses are being good about controlling her pain (i.e., they are listening to me and accepting my advice :) ) I don't have to get aggravated about her care. What happens after the surgery remains to be seen.
     
    My sister and I have been able to peacefully discuss Mom's care and condition and other than that we stay out of each other's way. She is voluntarily smoking outside and not leaving her cigarettes laying around so that's a help to me.
     
    So thus far things are going better than I expected. The next 2 or 3 days will be critical, however. Please keep praying that things work out for the best for my mother (whatever that means).
  7. Chrysalis
    Florida in the summer is NOT my favorite place, regardless of which coast (I'm near Tampa). Mom was admitted to the hospital today for presurgical testing and, barring any problems, surgery is Thursday. Then several days of waiting to see how her body handled the surgery. She is very frightened (when we left the house to go to the hospital she said, "Good bye, house." like she was never going to see it again. UGH!)
     
    My estranged sister arrived this afternoon (not good news). Even worse, she quit smoking last year but has now relapsed. So between the smoke and the cigarettes laying around, the temptation is worse. DOUBLE UGH!!
     
    I know that there are plenty of people here who quit while their spouse continues (and my hat is off to you all) so this is just another excuse for my junkie brain to latch on to. But, brother, a smoker in the house is NOT something I need this week!!!
  8. Chrysalis
    I quit smoking 5 months ago today. I'm doing very well and I'm very confident of my quit-- most of the time. The worst challenge I had occurred a few weeks ago when I had to go to Florida for a week to help my mother. She is 92 years old, lives alone, and has some major health issues. Being with her 24/7-- seeing her frightened and suffering and despairing-- pushed me to the brink of relapse. Once I got home, I re-started low dose Chantix. I stopped that after about 2 weeks and I'm fine again.
     
    My mother is scheduled for total hip replacement surgery (both the ball and the socket) next week. She may not survive the surgery. If she does survive, the recovery will probably be long and difficult. She may be in incredible pain for quite a while after the surgery. Worst case scenario is that the replacement does not heal properly-ever.
     
    So I am starting this blog so I can come here and vent. If history is any guide, I will probably get really aggravated with various aspects of our healthcare system and will need to blow off steam. In addition, my sister and I don't speak to each other but she will be in Florida next week, too, so that's going to be interesting.
     
    Basically, I expect to have quite a lot of stress during the next 2 weeks. I have a couple of techniques that I use to release stress and I am determined to use them and to keep my quit. But it may be helpful sometimes to come here and write out my fears and frustrations. I look at this blog as Quit Protection Insurance.
     
    Wish me luck!!

About us

QuitTrain®, a quit smoking support community, was created by former smokers who have a deep desire to help people quit smoking and to help keep those quits intact.  This place should be a safe haven to escape the daily grind and focus on protecting our quits.  We don't believe that there is a "one size fits all" approach when it comes to quitting smoking.  Each of us has our own unique set of circumstances which contributes to how we go about quitting and more importantly, how we keep our quits.

 

Our Message Board Guidelines

Get in touch

Follow us

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Guidelines

Please Sign In or Sign Up