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IndigoChilde

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Blog Entries posted by IndigoChilde

  1. IndigoChilde
    Day 18, third day on the step 2 patch. I'm craving bad today. I don't know what it is. But I'm home alone and don't know what to do. I'm deep breathing right now, watching Scrubs, and drinking ice water. I went for a walk and felt peaceful during it, with no cravings, but as soon as I got home I got anxious. I figure writing all this down is a good thing and helping to remind myself that I'm not always going to face easy days.
     
    One thing I'm doing is reminding myself that if I quit for five years (or more) then I'm taking a trip to Japan as soon as I've saved up for it. I'm even studying Japanese now to learn the language and culture. Though I'm not doing so good on the vocabulary or reading hiragana. I'm getting there, though. Just practice every day, right?
  2. IndigoChilde

    New Quit

    By IndigoChilde,

    So, quitting today was like a nightmare this morning. I woke up at 5am, stayed in bed until the urge to smoke got to me at 5:17, then went downstairs and put on the patch, then went about the rest of my normal routine until the patch kicked in. I'm finding out of HALT, Loneliness tends to be my reason to smoke. So after dad got up, had a cup of coffee, and went back to bed, I went and cuddled with him and mom in bed until about 7 when we all got up, then it was all cleaning the house and putting up a tarp for shade in the back yard until now. I'm celebrating every hour that I'm smoke free. I even had to pass mom's smoking spot on the way to throw out some garbage, and was a little tempted but NOPEd my way past it. I think the level 1 patch is working out well, and I'm going to keep it up for the full month it recommends. Right now I have two weeks worth, so when I'm close to running out I'll get another box. I should be paid by then. Then I already have level 2 and level 3 patches for when I get there. Hopefully that will get me past most of the associations and habits I picked up in the last month. My main goal is avoiding where people smoke in case there's a half left or something. Which means no back yard at my husband's house (they're littered everywhere) and avoiding mom's smoking spot as much as I can. Thankfully the cigarettes aren't in plain sight, so it's less tempting.
  3. IndigoChilde

    Nature Day

    By IndigoChilde,

    Today I had a nature day. I went out and photographed a few clovers and dandelions, then the trees that were in bloom before and are in leaf now. Then I washed my leather jacket (cats had peed on it when I first moved into my parents' house) now that I have the special leather soaps and conditioners. Found out leather dries really slowly. So I played in the plants. Ran my hands over the tops of the grass, through some soft weeds, and through some feathery ones. Thought of smoking once in the morning, but so far that's it. I'm one month two weeks into my quit, and I feel great. I didn't go out of the house much when I was smoking, and when I did, I wanted to be back home getting a smoke. It really feels my days were cut shorter when I was smoking. Now I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my time.
  4. IndigoChilde

    Writing Meetup

    By IndigoChilde,

    So, I decided I needed to branch out more and found this writing group on Meetup called Shut Up & Write. It's about an hour and a half. An hour writing and half an hour for introductions and getting to know each other. With the dreams I've been having and the racing thoughts I have now, I figure I might actually be able to sit down and write. I hadn't realized smoking was probably adding to my depression because I feel like going out and doing stuff every day. Now if dad would just approve a car for me. lol I have the money for a cheap one, but my dad being the one who works on my cars wants to approve it first.
  5. IndigoChilde
    Where to begin...
     
    I think bupropion was acting as an antidepressant as well as helping me quit smoking because I became depressed and had horrible cravings after I stopped it. As I became more depressed, I didn't want to go on the computer. I also spent more time on the couch with the TV on, but paying attention to it less and less. Then I ran out of Geodon (my mood stabilizer) and went through withdrawl. I spent an entire day on the couch doing nothing except using the bathroom and eating when mom gave me something. However for two days I did not have a single craving. My cravings came back today though, so boo.
     
    I did keep up on my C25K, and completed Week 3, which had me running 90secs, walking 90secs, running 3min, walking 3min, and doing that pattern twice. The last run of Week 3 I got dizzy, which we think is from the withdrawl from Geodon. I got Geodon now, though, and am doing better.
  6. IndigoChilde
    I just feel like I'm on the edge of relapse today. I keep telling myself NOPE. But it's like I want to smoke. It hasn't been this bad in a while. I don't know if it's coming off the bupropion or what. Today I just feel like crap. My run didn't go well. I mean, I still kinda made it, but it didn't go as I'd like. I didn't enjoy it at all. My dad tried to encourage me but I just couldn't get my spirits up. I can't figure anything I want to do except sleep and smoke, so I've mostly been sleeping. It's like day 1 all over again. I'm not going to smoke. I can't let myself go now. But damn do I feel like I'm heading there.
  7. IndigoChilde

    Running

    By IndigoChilde,

    So, my dad got me to start running. We're using this Couch to 5K program. It's three times a week. I finished the first week, but I think I'm going to do it all over again. I don't feel like I'm ready to move onto week 2.
     
    Dad said once I quit smoking he would get me into running. I guess he was right. And I have a Fitbit now and this weekend we're getting myself some running shoes. I think he tricked me into all of this. (j/k)
     
    I'm finding how hard it is to run for 60 seconds with just a 90 second walk in between. Week 2 is 90 seconds with two minutes in between. Since I'm having trouble running for 60 seconds, I'm going to do week 1 over again. Though my last day of week 1 was pretty good. I only stopped running early once.
     
    The reason we're going out for running shoes is my current ones are rubbing up against the knuckle of my big toe and leaving a blister. It's better when I put a bandaid over it, but still not great.
     
    Halfway through week 4! Woohoo!
  8. IndigoChilde
    The third week is dragging on soooo slowly. I'm managing to keep from having a smoke, but I'm really bored. I keep going for walks, both in the park and in the back yard. Our trees are flowering, so it's kinda pretty in the back yard. This morning I went for a 2.09 mile walk with my dad. (Fitbit tracks where I go. Yay!) I've been taking pictures of the flowers, but there's only so many pictures you can take of the same flowers. The good news is I don't feel like sleeping all the time anymore, so I'm getting my energy back. It's just a matter of what to do with it.
  9. IndigoChilde

    Dreaming Again

    By IndigoChilde,

    Since I was 13 I got really bad nightmares and a few good dreams. Then for a while I stopped dreaming. (Well, never remembered my dreams.) I thought it was my meds and shrugged it off. Now, after 2.5 weeks of being a non-smoker, I'm dreaming again. I don't know if it's the quit or the bupropion, but I'm actually dreaming.
     
    Off-topic, I'm hooked on these Gin-Gin ginger candies. I just bought 10 packs online, cheaper than when we got them at the World Market. The ones I got are Hot Coffee flavored. (As opposed to cold coffee?) They help when I get nausea, they help with the cravings, and every so often I want one just because.
  10. IndigoChilde

    Triggers

    By IndigoChilde,

    I finished part of a project on my desktop computer and the first thing I wanted was to smoke. I always did that. I'd finish part of a project, feel satisfied, and reward myself with a smoke. Instead I ate a piece of ginger candy and went for a mile walk. Yesterday thanks to dad I got 10,000 steps for the day. So, yay! And I've lost that urge to smoke when I'm chatting in the role play chat I go to. I love the chat, but there are long periods of silence that usually I just went out for a smoke while waiting. Now I go for a 10min walk and see what's happened after that. So much of my smoking was tied to being on the computer or commercial breaks on TV. It's no wonder I just buried myself in blankets the first day and practically slept it off.
  11. IndigoChilde

    Two Weeks!

    By IndigoChilde,

    I had a lot of fun at Dundracon, and saw Deadpool while we were there. A few cravings. I find if someone leaves half a cigarette out that's one of my triggers. I think because mom and I never smoked a whole cig, so we were used to smoking from halves (or thirds, etc). But my teacher says that the more I'm exposed to my triggers and say no to them, the more they'll go away until they're gone. I think that's my last major trigger, because when I see mom left a half in the backyard (not something she does often) I get a major craving.
     
    Anywhoo, I'm two weeks down now. We had a celebration of graduating from the smoking cessation class last night. I baked a chiffon cake, though the frosting I chose overpowered it a little. Chiffon is very light in taste with a light lemon flavor. I was going to use Cool Whip, but I couldn't find the stuff in any of the stores we went to. The teacher brought an Italian salad with feta cheese, someone brought a vegetable platter, and someone brought a crackers, cheese, and meat platter. I ate the salami and avoided the pepperoni. I don't know why. Then we were given certificates that we completed the class.
     
    Now I don't know what to do Tuesday nights. I looked forward to the class.
  12. IndigoChilde
    I honestly thought it'd be harder than this. I'll admit, the first thing I wanted to do was step out onto the balcony and smoke, because I always did when we first got to our hotel room. And of course, all the rooms look the same. But I'm following as much of my routine here as I can. Going for walks in the Courtyard, early in the morning before the smokers get out there. Making my coffee. (They have a small machine here.) And getting on the forums to at least pledge NOPE.
     
    I went to a D&D game yesterday from 2 til 9. It seems to me I've become more patient, though just as fidgety. I got up to walk around a few times, but didn't leave the room except to go get dinner. Not one craving while playing, which, I used to smoke during game all the time. I'm actually staying up and alert for the game as well, which I like. I do not miss smoking at all right now. I'm able to be engaged with the story without wondering when my next smoke is gonna be.
  13. IndigoChilde

    Dundracon Weekend

    By IndigoChilde,

    Today I'm leaving for DunDraCon. I know they're'll be people there who smoke, so I'm staying away from them. And I'm going with a non-smoker friend. I rarely have any reason to be alone while we're there, so there's no excuse for me to go outside and join the smokers. And I'm going to keep telling myself that so I don't go out and ask someone for a smoke. I may not be around a lot, or at all, during the next few days.
  14. IndigoChilde

    Day 5

    By IndigoChilde,

    Yesterday was a lot of crying, frustration, and anger. But strangely few actual cravings. When they did come, they were strong though. I felt like each craving was running me over with a truck. I almost broke down and asked mom where she hid the cigarettes. I didn't though. I just went for a few walks and went upstairs for no real reason. I'd actually walk up there, walk back and forth a bit, then come back downstairs. Having the TV on helps a little so long as it's interesting. With cable and over 800 channels you'd think something interesting would be on.
  15. IndigoChilde

    Finally Friday!

    By IndigoChilde,

    This is my fourth day as a non-smoker and I feel really tired and thirsty. I've heard both are normal. Thankfully I have the luxury of just laying down under the covers on the couch and watching TV. As soon as I get more energy I'll probably be going for walks and working on my children's book.
  16. IndigoChilde

    Day 2

    By IndigoChilde,

    Made it through day 1 and am now working through day 2. I'm thinking back to the mistakes I made before (going out in the garage where the cigarettes are, forgetting my deep breathing exercises) and going over them in my head. Making new plans for the day. This time I don't have a 2 hour class before bedtime to keep me occupied in the last hours of the day, which I swear are the worst. So I'm thinking about watching a movie and relaxing before bed. Hope all goes well today.
  17. IndigoChilde
    So I woke up at 4:00 this morning with the realization I still had the patch on. So it took it off and went back to bed. But then I was too hot and couldn't get back to sleep, so I went downstairs to the living room to cool off. Stayed up for an hour and a half and didn't even think of having a smoke. Then realized I was up for good and went to go put the patch on. Not sure if I need it anymore, but I'd rather ween off according to the schedule. Heard movement upstairs so I went to go make coffee. I went outside after mom got up and she asked if I was going to smoke, I said no, I'm quitting. I think because I slipped up she thought I was going back to smoking, but I'm not doing that again. Fourth of July and I didn't smoke once. But then I don't think anyone actually smoked at the party. Though one person was vaping and it kinda reminded me of when I used to vape, but I don't want to get into that habit too, even if it's nicotine free (which I still have some of the juices for it). I'm afraid I'll just go back to smoking because vaping never felt as good as smoking, and it'd just remind me of that. Only problem I'm having right now is my stomach seems to be a little upset, which I usually smoked to "cure." So that's giving me a few craves.
     
    Oh, as a side note, I finally got that letter from my doctor saying I can work. I'm going to call my intake worker today and find out what I need to do next.
  18. IndigoChilde

    Father's Day

    By IndigoChilde,

    Father's Day BBQ was amazing! Once people started arriving I forgot all about smoking, which kinda reinforces that being alone triggers some of my craves. And especially once my sons arrived, I was ALL about them. I didn't care what anyone else was talking about, I was spending time with my boys. And my younger son, Alex, is a cuddle bug. My older son, Devin, isn't even too fond of kisses anymore. Soon he'll be too old for hugs! OMG! Anyway, we had Family Feud on, and since some answers involve sex or drugs from time to time, I decided something a little more kid-friendly would be better. So I put on Aaron Stone for them. It's an older show from Disney XD and you can only buy it from iTunes. It's not on Netflix or DVD, which I think is stupid. I'd been buying individual episodes for a bit now, so I had five for them to watch, and they were all too happy to watch it. Alex cuddled with me the entire time. After the third episode we went out to play croquet. After a few rounds, they had to leave so I said my goodbyes and walked them out to the car.
     
    Afterward, my sister showed up and as she ate we shared a beer and the lot of us who were left watched car shows on TV. Stuff like Overhaulin' and Bitchin' Rides. My dad and my uncle (his youngest brother) talked about cars dad used to own and how they overhauled one on one of the episodes. Then they talked with my cousin Jimmy about how he's doing flipping house boats. I think it'd be cool to live on a house boat, but I'm sure I'd get tired of it pretty quickly.
     
    All-in-all it was a good day. My brother didn't show up until way later, but I think he had to work or something. But it's always great to see my brother.
     
    As usual, as the day got later I got the thought of "Shouldn't you be smoking by now?" This is the only point I disagree on with Allen Carr. I do believe we get into a habit with smoking, and some people have harder times breaking habits than others. He mentions how he can go from driving on the left side of the road to the right, but if it were me, I would have a lot of trouble breaking that habit. It takes me a lot to break old habits. Not that I'm not trying. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have made it through the day, but I don't think we'd have triggers if we didn't have habits to break. And we wouldn't autopilot into something. (One time I was outside smoking and didn't remember leaving the couch.) Thankfully I haven't autopiloted into smoking this time around, but I think that's because I'm being very conscientious about my smoking habit. I also try not to let myself get too tired, because that's when it's the worst. Naps are a wonderful thing.
     
    I also got my intake taken care of for the Department of Rehabilitation, and I'm hoping to get a state job. I actually want an office position. The only thing I need is a letter for my doctor saying that I can go back to work.
  19. IndigoChilde

    Yosemite

    By IndigoChilde,

    So, a while ago, back as a non-smoker, I went to Yosemite. It was beautiful out, even though it was cold at night. This time I brought warm pajamas and extra blankets. This was the last week in April. Unlike last year when we went there, I was actually able to hike up partway the mist trail. I didn't even get tired, we had to turn back because my dad's knee was giving out (there were a lot of slippery steps on the way up and puddles along the way) and my mom couldn't carry her bag up the steps, and we didn't like leaving her alone. Before, I didn't even make the hike to the mist trail. It was awesome! When I reached out to my Facebook family about wanting a smoke, my sister reminded me of how far I went up the mist trail compared to how far I made it last time and the breath and muscle tone I had since I quit. I've kept that in my mind even as I prepared for my upcoming re-quit. It was a fantastic experience, and I have pictures!
     




     
    Sorry, the photos uploaded sideways for some reason. They always do from my phone.
  20. IndigoChilde
    This time I'm using the patch. I know there's mixed feeling about using NRT, but this morning I woke up and first thing I did was put on the patch. And I'm doing fantastic. My quit's never been easier. It helps my depression was figured out and I'm awake and alert now instead of down in the dumps. I don't miss cigarettes at all. I have small craves here and there, but they're horribly manageable for now. This is the best first day of a quit I've had. I feel marvelous. I even took two walks today, and I haven't gone for a walk in a while. My dad's gone on a week-long business trip, so I feel kinda anxious about that. Usually he comes home after work and I get to spend some time with him then, but I won't have that for this week. But I've still got my mom around. I'm celebrating every hour I don't smoke, totally glad I'm a non-smoker. I've barely even had the urge to go in the back yard, where mom smokes and I used to smoke. I might go on the back patio tonight to have coffee and enjoy the sunset. I don't think I was this excited about not smoking when I quit before, so I'm taking it as a good omen.
  21. IndigoChilde

    Smoking Dream

    By IndigoChilde,

    I had a smoking dream last night. And usually it's just me smoking. This time it was actually going over to mom's smoking area, and my brother was there, and I held a finger to my lips like "shh." Then getting a cig and lighting up. It was just weird. My brother was even young in my dream. Like, not old enough to shave young, and he's 27 now. There was a bench there too. Like one of those wooden park benches. I remember I was happy and smiling like a kid. And I woke up and it was so satisfying. I really believed I'd smoked yesterday. Of course, my mind sorted that out as I made and had my coffee and woke up a little more.
  22. IndigoChilde

    Easter

    By IndigoChilde,

    So, this is a little late. But this Easter we weren't planning on doing anything. So then me and my sister were talking and thought about putting a little something together with family, but we couldn't get a hold of mom to talk to her about it so we decided we were just going to call our brother and have him come home for Easter. And of course, my sister would too. So I talked to dad and we went out while mom was at Bingo to get baskets, plastic grass, and stuff for the Easter baskets. So, chocolate bunnies, jelly beans, Robin's eggs (my real name's Robin, so it was always funny to me), Peeps, and marshmallow bunnies. We even got a chocolate bunny for my mom. Then I hid the baskets in my room. When Christine got home, we got eggs to dye, food dye (couldn't find the tablets), stuff for mimosas (my sister insisted on Easter mimosas), and little three-packs of Ferrero Rocher (again, my sister's idea). I put the candy in the baskets upstairs then we made plans to color the eggs in the morning.
     
    So we spent the morning finding the perfect way to boil the eggs. Then I went upstairs to wake up my sister, and she set an alarm to wake up to. Apparently, 10:00 was too early for her. I told her she needed to get up to color the eggs. She insisted on waiting until the alarm. I gave in on that one. But I was hyper the entire morning. My dad thinks it was all the coffee I had that morning, but coffee doesn't make me hyper. I was just so excited! And when my sister came downstairs at last she got a cup of coffee and I brought the baskets down to show everyone. My brother wouldn't be home til 6:30, but that was okay. Mom had these sea shell stickers and me and my sister used them along with the dyes to decorate the eggs. My sister mostly used them. My dad tried to draw a bunny on one of them but gave it to me and my sister to fix it so it looked cuter. So my sister fixed it up for him. Both my sister and my dad were born the year of the rabbit, so they decided it was both of theirs.
     
    After we decorated the eggs, my dad, my sister, and I all got our cameras and set up the baskets with the eggs and took a bunch of pictures. Christine made mimosas, which kinda made me sick and tired, so my hyperness dropped dramatically. I'm usually pretty good with alcohol, so I think it was mixing it with grapefruit juice that got me. Anyway, my brother came over and we showed him our setup and his basket. Meanwhile, I'd been picking jelly beans and robin eggs out of mine all day long, and had eaten my marshmallow bunny.
     
    My pictures are too big right now, but hopefully I'll get one shrunk down to size to post it here.
  23. IndigoChilde
    Today is my son's birthday party. His birthday is a few days away. He was getting on my case and nagging me about not smoking. I always told him I was cutting back (and I was) but I didn't quit yet. My greatest embarrassment was going outside to smoke while my kids were at my house (I don't live with them) for Christmas Eve. I normally wait until they leave or I leave before I light up. But this time, right in the middle of the party, I couldn't take it anymore and smoked. Now today I'm going to be able to sit down with my boys and tell them I haven't smoked in a week, and I won't have the craving to leave the party to go smoke. I can't think of anything better for my 1 week.
  24. IndigoChilde
    I had fun at the photoshoot yesterday, although it was a little cold. I was The Musician. So I had a bard-like costume and my guitar with me. Though I think I left my hair brush at the photoshoot. Oops. When I get the link to the blog for The Musician I'll share it.
     
    For my reward for making it til Tuesday, dad's planning on getting me a Fitbit. So I gotta stay strong. But I'm back to being on the hunt for cigarettes. I had a dream last night that I found them. Not that I smoked them, but that I found them. Having them hidden from me is almost as much of a frustration as having them there but not smoking. My brain is just that way. If I can't find something, like a stuffed animal or DVD, then I struggle to find it. I'm struggling not to go to step two, which is to replace it. When I finally get to the point that I'm not craving anymore, I'm going to have mom show me just where she had been hiding them. Even if it takes a year. I swear, I'm not the girl you tell you have a secret then just walk away. I need to know!
  25. IndigoChilde
    Yesterday was great! Though I couldn't get this site to work for the life of me that night. Anyway, we went out for a nature walk with our cameras and no animals showed up, so that was kinda a disappointment. But driving on the way out were hawks and falcons that we took pictures of from inside the car. (We thought getting out might scare them away). Then we had McDonald's and came home. After that we brainstormed on what to do next so I suggested Old Sacramento where were could get taffy. It's actually soft enough for her to eat (Lost all her teeth from smoking) so she said to get a lot for her. Unfortunately we couldn't find any parking at all because they were celebrating Mardi Gras and we didn't check their calendar to see that. So we went driving around to two other stores to see if they had taffy. They didn't. But we did pick up some ginger candy since I get sick often and some strawberry pocky and almond sprinkled pocky. Then we went out and had dinner and came home and watched Taken. So, pretty good day, minimal cravings.

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