cheri

she was abusive. vacant. horrible. even my therapist says "you really cant remember a single good thing"? NO. really. I cant. not one holiday. not one school day. there is nothing good. i remember being beaten. threatened. hurt on her command by her boyfriends. ive been on my own since i was 14. i fought to become an emancipated minor then. i won. ive burned all my past. prayed. meditated. i thought this was done. good lord. and yall wonder why i say **** so much. now that im older, and she may be sick? how do you tell your own mother to fuckoff again? MAKE THIS STOP.

found me...again. I am NOT okay with this. not now. can someone, some thing..make all this weird shit stop now please? I really cant do this. She was and is the root of all my issues. Shes been dead to me for years. Though its my own mother... I DONT WANT THIS.

thanks..and nancy? i wasnt mad. i just felt something. i dont anger easily. im passionate about anything/everything i feel. i do, actually respect what you fee/thinkl as well.

Now that my house is clear.. I will start this by saying, IF I offend you with my language, or perversions, or any damn thing I say, I will apologize. Not for what I make you feel, as I have no control over your feelings. If I had that, I’d be god. But for what I say. Maybe. I cant control the context in what you take it. Lets get one thing right about what an addiction board should be. First priority: the addict. Second priority: their feelings. Third priority: not being judgemental or corrective, nor making them feel as if they are being punished for their feelings or words. That’s most likely how they got here in the first ******* place. (sorry said ****) I get no one likes to hear “bad words every other word”. However, some of us were brought up that way. In that environment, and if you actually took the time to read what said addict is trying to say, instead of nit picking every other ******* (sorry said ****) word, you would remember where you were then. I actually post weird shit, as I feel like smoking. It isn’t an SOS. It is what is MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SMOKING. IM GETTING IT THE **** OUT (sorry said ****) And (gonna say ****) **** you or anyone for telling me NOT TO FEEL, like swearing, because it isn’t what you are used to or like to hear.. There is no worse person on earth with their judgemental bullshit…than an ex anything. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Will not be there or be that stereotype. And I do hope, actually, others follow and become their own person. Their own NON ADDICTED person. In any way they can. Express yourself.

Get over it. I try sometimes, really hard, actually to NOT do it. But, its me, and it happens when I am just talking. Expressing. Sharing. Especially if I really feel something. I cant and wont change who I am, and if thats all you are getting from anything I post, Im sure you can figure out how to block me. Thank you for your input though.

I came home to a couple friends and their kids waiting for me at my new place.. Im like uh...hi? Let me get settled and Ill make you guys some food. Come in. (I cook. A lot. I like it). Then more came over. I was told not to cook anything. Weird. Friends all have kids, who all call me aunt. I have 9 little kids running all over my two br condo, ranging from 3 to 11 . :D /eww. lol They brought cake. Wine. Sushi. They sang happy birthday to me??!! To Alex? It isnt my birthday. Nor Alexs Im a little slow. Cheri, they said.... This is all just because we love you and Alex so much. You have been through so much and still continue to take care of everyone else, the both of you are so strong. You can do anything, It is your birthday. I cant stop crying. Alex is hugging everyone so hard. Its good to feel loved THIS much. Especially now. What a great surprise. And ******* banging sushi.

Okay..I get that some people are busy. Cant text back right away. HOWEVER... Texting me back after I asked you a question two days ago, makes me crazy. Or not texting back at all. I hate that. Especially if YOU initiated the text. I also hate the no response after having a conversation for however long. No answers make me nuts. Or texting me...call me WTF? you couldnt call ME for that??? Or texting me..did you get my texts? (the one you sent 5 mins ago after the other 9. i was just making sure you were done so i could answer) Or texting me...K. WTF is K? Fuckoff with that. Or ...hey. and thats it. What is that? Theres more I can add to this, but Im going to burn my bacon, and then Alex will make fun of me forever. I dont know how it is for other people, but for me and most of the people I associate with answer back within an hour, even if its only "I cant talk now", unless we know the other is really busy. We also say okay..see ya. Whatever...Something. end the conversation. Usually.

Alex didnt burn down the house making pumpkin seeds. She also has above A grades in all her classes so far, only 2 weeks left for this marking period already. My boobs feel amazing. ..what? it is boob awareness month ya know...

BECAUSE THEY SMELL FUCKIN AMAZING! Fall fests and pumpkin things were on most all weekend, took a break from life and made Alex go hiking. MADE. She is such a geeky girl. Face shoved in books, phone all day long. Not that Im complaining, Id rather have that than her running the street all crazy. She didnt want to go at first, but then had such a good time. Shes roasting pumpkin seeds in the oven now, with her own "special seasonings" I only pray the house wont set fire. Im not supervising now. Shes old enough to learn to cook. Once she tried making meat loaf. Only once. She left her phone in her room.

Thanks all. Kendra, Ill be working all but Wednesday. Thankfully its busier than it has been so Ill be distracted as opposed to the recent idle that has been. I dont do well idle. Meeting with lawyer then. Pretty sure Ill be on here at some point after. Signing contracts makes me VERY nervous. I really am hating whats going on now, but...Ill get through it. I always do. Not looking forward to any of this. All he had to do was not be a dick. Not shove coke up his nose again. Check into a program. Show he gave a **** some how. Be a ******* man. Why was that so hard? Oh right. Addiction. Silly me.

I was paying attention to this post until I read "loins" Now Im horny. Ridiculous. I dig this show too...(american horror story) I wasnt huge on the last series...circus. I like the past story references in the episodes. I pick up on those quickly. Looking forward to this and TWD.

PLEASE say you pushed through this. Life can be super hard sometimes, believe me, I know all about that. Hurting yourself isn't an option now. That really is all youll accomplish if you smoke now, after all this time.. Its okay to cry. Personally I find mascara stained faces sorta sexy. Bakon is right too...sex is good for stress. Even if its alone. Im no stranger to carpal tunnel in my fingers. If you ever need an ear, feel free to reach out here. If nothing else, Ill make you laugh. Im good at that.

somehow, that scene from fatal attraction came to mind. you know the one...but it was a bunny. i hate cats. i think i may be the only female on earth that does.

SMIRKS How much trouble can one person get into in an hour and a half? A lot, with the right company. I've been a naughty, naughty girl. :D I may need a spanking. My sister has decided she wants to take Alex for a week. She says I need to go be me for a little while. Im lucky to have her. Alex hasnt looked so relieved/relaxed in over a year, as she has since we moved. I have no doubt I made the right decision. Though she loves her father, and we would both (alex and i) LIKE to make things better, we cant. This is his choice, I think staying would have just been emotional suicide for both of us. I cant do that to my 15 year old. Especially as he is out this very second. I hate cellphones and video/pictures/text shares at any given moment. You dont even get the opportunity to deny what it looks like. Though, I am pretty sure you cant say.."this isnt what you think"..as youre snorting coke off the toilet. I am off to a great start. Filing for divorce next week. I thought about smoking. I almost bought a pack. Just for the sole and simple reason of "**** this Im going to be me too..he is doing it" Memories. Back stepping. But thats not me now. I am no longer an addict, or dependent upon anything or anyone. Hard indeed. But grateful every day that I wake up, stronger. *the cheri diaries on quitrain* <---LOL! yikes.

ps..im awesome. lol...i dont know any other way to be. thanks for asking! ill check in tomorrow. Stay strong!

Ahh...well you cant avoid the bus route then. But its okay. You can listen to music, read, text. Sit backwards in the seat. I always liked doing that. Anything to distract. Get yourself some hard candies. Bottled water. Tea. Use one or all of those for the ride home. I always found thinking of not smoking made it harder for me than to just not do it and distract myself with even the littlest of things when an urge came. Youre gonna feel SOOOO good soon! Remind yourself youre a non smoker. WTF are you thinking silly you.

Try taking another route home. Even if its a long route, and there are still gas stations. Youll drive right by. I literally had to rearrange my deck and front porch so my seating position was awkward to not smoke. It makes a difference.

You arent needy. You are just wanting something you cant have now. Its never easy letting go of something you think you liked. Loved. STAY STRONG! You dont want to start over after coming this far do you??

One thing I have learned to do while quitting smoking is saying no. Not only in my head to myself when I wanted to smoke, but to all the negative bs around me as well. It is NOT easy. I have had multiple deaths in 6mos time. Family illnesses. Physical fights by family at funeral homes that lead to continual stress. I am in trouble because I refuse to choose sides. I have a 15 year old daughter. I am recently separated from a 20 year marriage. Some friends really arent. Job issues. Being put on Zoloft because I had a nervous breakdown. Owning a home, AND paying rent for a condo. I have a 15 year old daughter. Did I mention that already? :) Man is a relapsed addict. Theres most of my reasons to go ahead and smoke. I choose not to...why? I found a place in myself, where I could actually do something positive for me. No one can take it away. That is one thing that is JUST MINE. ITS ALL ABOUT ME. Only good things will follow after that. I sort of relate it to when I got my very first apartment and car. How AMAZING it felt to be free. IT was all MINE. I DID IT. This entailed saying goodbye to a lot of shit, and people. Simply for the fact that I ******* refuse to fail, and allow anyone to drag me down. Including myself. Im sure there will be more goodbyes. Im okay with that. Sometimes when you get rid of all the trash, it gives you more room for better things. It may have brought on a bit of depression. Feeling a little lonely. Or maybe all the shit did. I dont know. Im not perfect, I did slip. I admitted it and moved on. Im still not smoking. I really dont want to. Know one thing. That it will all pass, and it will get better, especially when you realize you did ONE thing for you, and no one stopped you. You become your own superhero. It feels good, knowing theres an ace in your pocket at the table.

gurrrlll..yo ass lookin good in dat.

I have read weight gain is normal as you are no longer putting a stimulant into your body. Your metabolism has to adjust again. Though I believe if you dont eat a bunch of shit and uptake your exercise just a little you should be okay. Also, a lot of us are older so that really is a normal thing for your body to do. I dont drink too much, (because I am a complete weirdo when I do) but I think its important to try and avoid that if you can. I did notice any time I do drink, smoking is a thought at some point and harder to avoid. The first thing I noticed when I quit was I smelled EVERYTHING. Then taste. Then the shedding thing. My hair wasnt falling out after a shower like it was. Now, my skin. Its lovely-er. I have more energy, especially in the morning.

All is going well so far..it is definitely a little weird. Man wanted me to come over to talk today. I said no. I know where that will lead. Straight to an argument with no ending. Blame. Anger. So only phone calls or texts until he is in some sort of treatment. Even outpatient would be okay with me. AA or something. Him seeing Alexa is okay, as long as it is in a public place, and I'm there. He isn't liking this much. I don't like it much either. Alex is just like whateverrrrr...can I go to my friends house for dinner? :D I love her.

I might just have to do this myself. I mean, how hard could it possibly be to install? A couple bolts, screws, some crazy glue and a giant brass pole. I dont see any issues here. Well..maybe just one. I cant fit a giant pole in my car. I could probably just duct tape that to the roof tho. Maybe one of those stretchy cord thingies. piece of cake.

WHAT!!!???? I'M IN!! lol..and yes, I'm definitely not a Sarah person. Still no stripper pole, BUT, I did convince them to get a couple of portable mini ellipticals. Its not quite what I was looking for, but I still have time.

Some days I would really like to have a little temper tantrum when I am told “no” to something I ask for when we have the monthly “do we need anything to make this office more proficient and productive?”. I do not, for the life of me understand why we can’t have a stripper pole installed in the office. There is plenty of space. It would be great for morale. It would keep me occupied on slower days when I think about smoking…ahhh..good for health reasons! Great for entertaining new clients. Padding for my uh...bank account. I bet the boss could write it off somehow. I’m going to keep asking about this. I’m going to keep getting thrown out of meetings.