Susana

What on earth have they put in there that gives that horrible feeling the day after? I could drink a whole bottle of wine and the day after I would only have a mild headache that goes with an aspirin and that´s it. Have 4 glasses of wine, add a few cigarettes, and nothing. NOTHING can get rid of that soreness, that dryness, that utterly disgusting feeling... I´m so ill :bad: Another one for the list: I can´t wait... to be able to enjoy my wine without feeling the day after as if I had eaten a dirty mop. This has to be the last time I feel like this. It surely is :angry:

From the description of the book on that link: Sharon, you are an inspiration. I may have even been nasty to you in a previous "life" as I was completely anti-vaping. But you have proven me wrong and I appreciate you for it and apologise for my closed-mindedness. Keep the good work!!!! :-)

Note taken. I´ve never done this before. I will do it this time. Thank you :-)

Yep. That´s exactly what he said... so maybe it is not that much nonsense after all ;-) I can relate to this... I always say I don´t get "cravings", I get CRY-VINGS! Hahahaha :-). I didn´t know what "meditation" was until I went to that coaching seminar on Saturday. I know it can help in many levels and I have a couple of tutorials to give it a try. I´ll report as soon as I sit down to it. Thank you for your kind message. I´ve been following you and you are mastering your quit. Not an easy one, but hey, you are fighting like a lioness and building a mega-strong quit. Well done!!!!!! :-)

Hi Jen! I used to follow you on the other site and rooted for you. Please don´t go away. How are things? :-)

Thank you for the welcome!!!! I´ve been working on this quit. I´ve done some test runs (abstaining without the intention to commit, just to observe myself). I´ve been reading a lot, and I attended a 10-hour coaching seminar on Saturday. These are the findings: - Physical cravings are few and far between. The worst are in the morning, after brushing my teeth. These will need attention as they happen even after running and chucking OUT a lung which is disconcerting and annoying. I will pledge, do my run, and have breakfast in front of this board. This helped last year and will help this time too. Once I´m in the office or out and about working, I´m safe. Swimming, running, walking, cycling, deep breaths, drinking cold water seem to work well in the physical side. - Mental cravings are worse. They are everywhere. I have succumbed to mental cravings before. This is where I´m focusing my work. a) SNOT. Smoking is not an option. Repeat. Repeat. Once I BELIEVE that smoking is not an option, I stop entertaining the tempting thoughts. It is not an option, I don´t smoke, not for me. Not on the menu. Not today. This has worked in the past too. b) Positivity. Allen Carr. Cigarettes do NOTHING for me. They only do things AGAINST me: they make me sick, they take my money, they make me smell. Good riddance!!!. I have to BELIEVE this as I believe my name is Susana, until it gets engraved in my brain and I don´t need to force this thought into my mind. Now, the biggie: my nemesis comes when I feel "down". I can reach this point where "nothing matters". I feel I´m a failure professionally, an ugly nag, a nasty bit of shite that deserves nothing... and then that thought of "nothing matters" creeps in and I reach for the pack. I think it is for me a kind of self-harm. I did see a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist last year but they were useless, or maybe I was more complicated than they expected... :-( On Saturday I went through a few workshops. I´m still digesting what I learned. They gave me some tools to avoid those "down" moments, to see them coming and prevent them, to increase my self-esteem (which surprise surprise wasn´t as low as I always thought), to embrace fear (it reminded me of "embracing the craving"). I have lots of references to read and a few tests and things to keep me entertained if I need enlightening. But... there is a but... There will be times when I have to go through really bad days. There may be times when I will feel "down" and the walls that keep away the "nothing matters thought" may start to weaken. This is when I´ve relapsed in the past. How can I prevent this in the future? I´M NOT SURE :-( By being more open, maybe?. If I feel a bad moment coming, that may jeopardise my quit, I´ll tell people about how I´m feeling. I´ll tell my "real friends" in person, go for a glass of wine and talk about it, and if I have to cry I´ll cry, and if I need a hug, just ask for a hug?. And I´ll post about it. I´ve always been very afraid of being too "personal" on the board, whereas I did open my mind and soul to a couple of friends by PM or email. This time I will post. In public. Or vent. Or whatever. And if everything fails and I reach the "nothing matters" point, I will make a mission of posting an SOS. Fffff.... HERE lies my worry.

I can´t wait to… NOPE every morning, and start the day with a positive outlook I can´t wait to… celebrate every night another smokeless day and go to bed happy I can´t wait to… have enough money to pay the bills and maybe some treats I can´t wait to… wake up full of energy I can´t wait to… wake up without a cough I can´t wait to… stop smelling my hands and washing them compulsively I can´t wait to… wear lipstick I can´t wait to… smell nice I can´t wait to… be more relaxed generally I can´t wait to… recover my running fitness I can´t wait to… feel more self-confident and increase my self-esteem I can´t wait to… (list in progress) This time I´ve chosen a different strategy. I´ve joined the board whilst I´m still smoking, whilst I´m still changing the “chip”. I´m reading avidly. Allen Carr´s book is in my handbag. I am focusing on the positives. I want to WANT to quit. I want to approach this quit as an exciting project, a wonderful journey, a gift to myself. I know I may encounter hard times but I want to focus on the good times and the wonder of freedom, which is my destination. What is dragging me? The fear of failure. I can´t afford another failure. As somebody put it… “I may not have another quit in me”. That´s exactly what I have come to feel. And I have a lot to invest in this quit. It has to be final. I owe it to myself after all the torture I´ve put myself through in the last months. My quit deadline is the 15th of July, with the something-something-moon. It may all be looney-balooney but a good friend of mine believes in those things. And I am ready to hold on to any looney-balooney that may work in my favour. It may be before that though. I feel I´m ready and another week seems a long way. But… have I said I´m terrified of failing? That´s why I´m here now. I want to feel I´m part of the group. I want to be able to interact. I want to start my blog and I want to feel helpful. I need a last push. I need to get the junkie thinking and the hard love out of the way, for as much as possibly feasible, BEFOREHAND. So… hello. My name is Susana and I´m an addict. And I can´t wait to free myself from this awful addiction once and for all.