Susana

Penance. Doesn´t matter how badly I want to post. I won´t allow myself to say a word or post a cat video until I´m at day 3. (obviously this doesn´t include SOS posts, mine or somebody else´s) Like a kid that can´t go out to see their mates until they finish their homework, I can´t post until I´ve quit and kept my quit for 3 days. Carrot. You can give me stick if it takes a while. Well, 2 days and a half (let´s not be too hard on myself) You will see me lurking and liking, but I will not post. This is my last post for now. Next post will appear in the celebrations forum. Hopefully soon. Yep.

Ooops... posted a bit too early!

Oh, come on! I´ve just seen your barbecue in the photo thread!!!! ;) ;) ;)

I´m happy because I had a good night sleep (those stop-smoking self-hypnosis videos may not make you stop smoking but I´m addicted to them as sleeping aids) I´m happy because my hedge is being tackled at last. And it shows! I´m happy because I can see things more clearly now than I have in the last few weeks. (nothing to do with the hedge) That´s my three for today... not that hard, is it? :D Great idea, Petra :good3:

I feel awful. When I posted the original post it wasn´t about me. I just thought I could contribute something helpful from my postion and off I went. Then I regretted the post because it had become, again, all about me, drama, drama, attention, attention... which wasn´t my intention and made me extremely uncomfortable. Then I felt angry and frustrated that my words would be misinterpreted and (seemingly) used against me. Now I feel a bit more positive and really appreciate what you lot are doing. Tough love or not tough love you do care. Of course you are frustrated when you encounter a difficult patient! "Why what worked for me doesn´t work for her?" "Why does her make it so difficult to herself?" "Why can´t I go there and hit her around her head with a broom until sense enters her stupid brain?" I will quit. I´m getting ready. I need to get my mind ready. Last time I thought, I expected, a happy quit and I got a bitch of a quit. This time I´m getting ready for the mother of all bitches. Knuckles and tears. But I owe it to myself. I´ll do it. When? Tonight? Tomorrow? I will know. I can´t promise it will be tonight. I need to feel that "ready-go" gunshot. It has always worked once I put my mid to it. It will work again. It takes me a while to jump, but I do jump. And it is a question of hours or days once I´m for it. Then comes the swimming... Lately I have been "down" but rather than depression I think it has been sheer exhaustion. I haven´t had holidays for two years. I was looking forward to a break in August, and I didn´t have one. Not only that but this summer I´ve been working my b***cks off. I am now divorced and have a mortgage to pay. It is not fun but it is what it is. Tough titty. So I´ve been working silly hours, in scorching heat. And dealing with family problems too (which are of no interest here). Burning the candle from both ends. Next week was going to be another workathon. My plan was to finish three inheritances of non-residents so that I could go to Madrid for a wedding on Saturday, and stay unitil Monday to pay the inheritance tax in Madrid before coming back. I´m not doing it. I´m not going to the wedding. I´ll complete the inheritances between next week and the following week and get my tickets and hotel to Madrid whenever they are all finished, and my clients cover the cost of travel. That takes a lot of pressure off me. Making it a better environment to go through hell week, without a lot of added pressure. I really appreciate your support here. Different types of support, but all well intentioned. Thank you. it will not go to waste with me. I promise. And now I don´t regret having posted, as I truly think that the whole thread may be very positive to newbies and people going through "no man´s land". I hope! :give_heart:

OMG!!!! You rock! That post is just genius! Jajajajajajajajaja! So true!

Oh, gosh, I´m so sorry to read this... and that you have to go through such an ordeal. I´m also very proud of you for taking the driving seat and investigate about it and fight it with all your weapons, including those not even confirmed by the doctors. You are a brave woman. You are fighting and winning. Well done! I will be your guinea pig. I may have it too. Early days yet. But all this year I have been having problems with my right thumb and mi rigth middle finger to the point that i couldn´t write or sign for months. In the last week I have done a lot of hand-writing and this morning I´ve been working in the garden (I couldn´t hold the pruning scissors two weeks ago) it seems to come and go for me but I didn´t really thought about it (ageing, I thought). If it comes back when I quit I will let you know. I haven´t kept an eye before, but I will now. Still, would I smoke to get rid of the pain? Nope. I would put up with the pain in exchange for freedom. I don´t want to quit for health reasons. My main reason to want to quit is that I hate smoking. The addiction. The fact that my life is controlled by a stupid addiction. I think the lesson here is not so much for us. We may or may not be already doomed. The lesson, and the example, is for the youngsters. Our sons and nephews and the sons of our friends: DO NOT START SMOKING!. Oh, how I wish I hadn´t started 20 odd years ago! It may be too late for us, but it is not too late for them. Freedom. :dash2:

Every time I have thrown a quit away it wasn´t for the sake of "just one". In these last two years I have thrown a large number of quits away because I honestly thought I could go back to being a "happy smoker". If I couldn´t be a "happy quitter" at least I would be a "happy smoker". The problem is I can´t be a happy smoker. Never. Not any more. So I find myself in the worst possible place: miserable if I quit, and miserable if I smoke. Only the miserability of smoking comes easy, and the miserability of quitting comes with an effort on my part. So the junkie brain tends to take the easiest of two routes. Of course it is junkie thinking... what would you expect from a junkie? If 100 people tell a junkie "you can do it" and two tell her "you can´t"... whom does the junkie listen to? Tell the junkie that she has tried a million times and she is doing it wrong, and what does the junkie think? "of course I´ve tried and failed so many times... what is the point of trying once again?" Tell the junkie that she is not ready to do it and what does the junkie think? "of course I´m not, that´s why I´m not going to even try" All I can do is to keep trying, again and again, hoping that one day by sheer luck or divine intervention I will feel that epiphany that some of you have felt before, that "I will never smoke again, I don´t know why I know but I know", or that I will encounter an "easy peasy" quit, or that the doctor will find something scary and that will be the trigger to get rid of this bl**dy addiction once and for all. Mind you: my mum died of a heart attack probably induced by her COPD. She even smoked whilst in hospital. Maybe it runs in the family and really there is no hope for me? (more junkie thinking). At least I already own two oxygen machines, a "proper" one (it is blue) and a travel one (still in the box) - sarcasm now. In a positive note: I´m not giving up giving up. I want to be where I was last September. I want to be where you are. It is just that it is taking me longer than usual to find the way there. Thank you for keeping the light on.

I´m going to bed. I haven´t smoked for a few hours now. I did make a point of finishing a pack and not getting a new one. Tomorrow I have to work but I´ll keep an eye. Thank you all. Even Bakon.

I still don´t know what the problem is. I seem to do great to start with, and then after week 6 I go mad. I did 103 days last year and felt great. I know exactly why I threw that quit away but I´d rather not tell. Then did another 6 weeks, and another 7 weeks, and 6 weeks and so on and so forth. To be honest. I´d rather quit and think about it at week 5.

Again, what I mean is that a "relapsed smoker" that has quit before and has had a taste of the freedom and the happiness, and the pride, that comes with a quit, will never feel like they did before they quit. .I could edit my post and change "relapsed" into "relapsed smoker" but it would look silly now. Of course a person who smokes is a smoker is a smoker is a smoker :rolleyes:

I may give cold turkey a last shot, and failing that, Chantix (it is available in Spain, I´ve checked. Not cheap, but available), or hypnosis. I think my problem is mental rather than physical. I deal well with physical cravings, it is my mind that betrays me.

After an informed quit, nobody can go back to be a "smoker". You just become a "relapsed". Being a "relapsed" is much much much much worse than being a smoker. Believe me. Of course I am a smoker because I smoke. But my neighbour is a smoker that has never quit, or tried, or thought about it... I could smoke ´til I die and I will never be like him again. Because I did quit. And I KNOW. That´s what I meant.

I´m posting here because I hope that my words will help somebody to make up their mind and not light up that "only one" cigarette. I´ve been relapsed for a couple of weeks now. I was, too, romancing the cigarette, or feeling overwhelmed by the hardness of my quit, or who knows... I did let go. I did it. I smoked. When I say I am "relapsed" I mean it. I am not a "smoker". I am not a "happy smoker" who just lights up carelessly and enjoys the addiction without giving it a thought. After an informed quit, nobody can go back to be a "smoker". You just become a "relapsed". - Smoking is not enjoyable. Not.A.Single.One.Of.Them. - After the first cigarette, you want another one, and another one, and another one. Before you realise you are smoking a pack a day, two packs a day, regretting every single one of them. How was that? "I was where I wanted to be before I quit... and now I´m back there after all the effort, and the pride, and the happiness of reaching that point"... THAT. - You start by being a closet smoker. You don´t want to face those people that knew you had quit and congratulated you and even asked you how you did it, in awe and admiration, considering whether they were ready themselves. So you hide. It is demeaning. - Then you start smoking in the open, and facing those people that knew you had quit and congratulated you and even asked you how you did it, in awe and admiration, considering whether they are ready themselves. It is embarrassing. It is disheartening. This bit to me was really, really, really AWFUL - After the first day the smoking cough comes back. All day. Clearing your throat. All day - After the first night you wake up feeling rotten. The "I´ve been licking a dirty mop" feeling. - You realise you DO stink. Smokers don´t realise they stink, but you are a relapsee... believe me, you DO. And there is no soap, no detergent, no cologne in this world that will delete that awful smell from your hands, your clothes, you hair, your pillow. You notice it from the start, and you keep noticing it every morning, every night, as a reminder of your stupidity. - After a week of smoking you start noticing how you can´t run as far, or as fast, or a minuscule bike ride becomes exhausting, your legs feel sluggish, you are grasping for air... and you know why. After one week! - You have an ulcer in your mouth and you think "mouth cancer". You have a pain in your back and you think "lung cancer". You spend all day, every day, worrying. Because you have ALL the information by now... there is no hiding your head in the sand. You KNOW by now... you have read, you have seen the videos, you KNOW. Smokers may not know, or they may not want to know, but you.... you KNOW. And then the cycle starts again... just this one, just this pack, just today, just this week... you realise you are not a smoker. You are a relapsee, and your place is with the quitters, not with the smokers, and you just want to go back. Back to where you were a couple of weeks ago, when you were proud, and were celebrating, and smelled nice, and were healthy, and were making plans for the future, looking at the money you had already saved, looking ahead, looking forward. When you are a relapsee you only look back. You just want to get back. That´s where I´m at. It is a nasty dark place. Please do not look at me and think "Hmmm... I want to be where Susana is". Don´t be an idiot. I know. I´ve read, I´ve listened, and still I did it. I just hope you don´t. My intention is to be where you are now... and it would be really sad if by then you are where I am now. I honestly hope this helps. I also hope I will be with you tomorrow. I am not enjoying a bit where I am now.

Sweet :P Question: if you are upside down for long enough to get dizzy... do you forget you used to smoke? :blink: I´m ready to try anything...

So happy for you... :)

NOPE for me today too... :)