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marie-quit

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  1. marie-quit

    April 5, 2018

    By marie-quit,

    DD and I made it home safe and sound. And as I had anticipated the urge to smoke was very strong, knowing that I had money and a store just 5 miles down the road, I had to battle the urge to go and buy a pack, just for one. But I did not. I NOPE-d every time I felt the desire to. I was surprised that the urge was mental and not physical. It was just fleeting thoughts that I had to work through. No anxiousness, it was somewhat a loneliness, which seemed a bit strange.
     
    Now this morning it is a different store, today it is physical, very apprehensive,  a physical feeling of jitter-ness and not really thoughts in my mind. But some of that is because of "life" itself.
     
    I am home today and I will be sticking close to the boards and this blog. I have some emotional stuff to of the mind to work through. So prepare for some ramblings, self reflection and moments of truth. Sorry in advance, but I came to this board for a community of people that would support me and lift me up as I make this "huge" change in my life.  
  2. marie-quit

    April 3, 2018

    By marie-quit,

    Day 2 and I am smoke free. It has been easy up to this point. I knew I would not be smoking anyway. I did not sleep well last night but I am sure it is from staying in a hotel bed as opposed to my own bed. I really have not had any cravings. I have only chewed 4 pieces of gum. DD and I ate at lunch at CookOut and I did have a deep longing for a "smoke" when I tried to drink my milkshake. I guess the pull on the straw as I was trying to get the think milkshake through the straw "inspired the desire" to smoke. So I ate my shake with a spoon. 
     
    Yesterday when we stopped to fuel up before we started up the mountains I came a cross to cigarettes in the pocket on the passengers side. I contemplated keeping them, buying a lighter so I could smoke later that evening when we got to the hotel. But I quickly broke them and threw them away before I talked myself into buying the lighter. 
     
    I am pleased that I have not been short tempered, as normally I do get very short tempered when I go a period of time with out a cigarette. 
     
    Tomorrow we travel home, getting home will be the real challenge, as I will be back in to a daily routine. 
    I have been reading over the changes to the body, but as I am using gum and I still have nicotine in my body I guess I can not gauge my recovery based on these times lines. I was trying to find something positive to focus on for day 3 of my quit as I know this might be a struggle once I return home. By day 3 nicotine should be out of the body, but of course I have been using the gum so that is not the case. So I will focus on the fact that my lungs have been smoke free for 3 days and that I am free from trying to find the time to smoke.  It truly had become a burden to find a time to smoke, and then in high stress times it became stressful trying to sneak in a cigarette. But amazingly enough I would smoke a pack a day. Unbelievable, imagine what I could accomplish if I channel that effort to something else......hum need to think about what I can channel my effort towards. That will be my day 3 goal.   
     
    Today I was amazed at the number of student on campus that were vaping. 
  3. marie-quit

    April 2, 2018

    By marie-quit,

    Today is the day that I "Quit The Beast". 
    My DD and I are on a trip to for her final college visitation. So it is a good fit. Travel time is 6.5 hours and I do not smoke around my family so it is a nice cushion to make this day as my mind will not be totally focused on smoking. I have become very accustomed to not smoking around my family and know that it would make the first two days easier, as I would not be smoking anyway. 
     
    I have bought along some munchies for the evening time, carrots, pistachios, cheezits, and some black lickerish. As well as bottled water, sparkling water. I also have a NTG (gum) as well as regular gum. I know this evening will be tough as I would slip away to the parking lot and smoke a couple once we got to our hotel room. But I have made a commitment and will stick with it. I am determined to "Start A New".   
     
    I will be blogging a lot as blogging helps me work through emotions, gives me direction and reenforces my decisions. 
    ******
    At 9:21 today I smoked my last Cigarette. It had been a very busy and hectic morning. I have been up since 3:00am getting ready for a trip with my DD(18), for a college visit. I had planned on smoking my last one before we headed out for our trip at 10:00 I was very stressed out and pushed for time. I planned on romancing my last one, just before we left, but the stress was so bad and I could feel the agitation getting worse as I was trying to finish up packing and the more I thought about getting that last one in the more anxious I got, so I just took the last of the pack ran water over them so that they would not be smokeable, and throw them away. I gave up the beast. 
  4. marie-quit

    Future Focused!

    By marie-quit,

    Depression, Anxiety and Panic Attacks Oh! My!
     
    Well I blow my quit back in 2015, not that is was a very long quit but none the less it was a quit and I never came back. Flash forward almost 3 years and life is out of control. 
    Teenage son (17) who is making all the wrong decisons Teenage daughter (18) who graduates this year and leaves for college 7 hours away in the fall Menopause is knocking at my back door along with all the hormonal shifts I teach high school, it is high stress, demanding and I never do enough.....and at this point I can not even imagine that I have the qualifications to do anything else.  Dealing with all the responsibilities of being a wife, mother and homemaker So about 2 years ago I started having panic attacks, and now at this point I am on the edge of severe anxiety. I have been to the doctors 3 times in the last 6 months to adjust meds, and they really are not helping.
     
    The one thing I have not done is made important lifestyle changes. So here I am, probably at the worst time mental and emotional of my life to quit smoking. But change has to happen, I am 49 and I want more out of life then what I am getting. Smoking has taken so much away from me that I can not get back, but I can make a change that will give me a better future. 
     
    So on Monday my daughter and I will be heading out of town for a final college campus tour. So Monday will be my quit date. April 2, 2018.
  5. marie-quit

    90 Degrees

    By marie-quit,

    First let me send each of you that have supported over the past week a HUGE THANK YOU!!!!!
     
    For some reason I lost all of my post and the wonderful support comments that each of you have offered me. I have not posted since I blew my quit on day 4. But I have been back here daily to read your comments, read other post and reflect. This morning I decided I was ready to post only to find out that I was still logged in but could not access anything. Thankful an administrator get me back on but everything is gone. Still not sure what happened but I will just look at it as a fresh start.
     
    So why is my blog titled "A Complete 180." Today I got plenty of think time as a drove to the "Big City" to buy a new dishwasher.
     
    Here is a piece of my story.....My mom is the most self-loathing--codependent person I know and of course by nurture so was I. I have been lucky and realized that was not the type of person I wanted to be. That I could change and did not have to be like that. I have worked hard over the past 20 years to rewire myself from that type of self-loathing--codependent thinking that I was raised with. Little small steps along the way.
     
    In 2009 I found an online community that I became a part of that has made all the difference in the world. I just know that I had kicked that beast to the curb. A Complete 180.
     
    Well at 2:30 today as I was driving and thinking about Why I Smoke, What are my Triggers, ect. a revelation it hit me like a ton of bricks my number one trigger is when something happens that makes me feel like someone does something to inflect pain on me which starts the whole, why me, why am I to unimportant..., why are my feelings not important, why do they do this to me. I use Smoking to inflect Self-harm. To cope with the pain of strong emotions, intense pressure and situations that I feel I can not change. So it goes beyond just a chemical addiction I have a self harm additions. More times then not I am sure when I am smoking the thoughts that are in my mind are thoughts of self-loathing, or about some action that someone has done and now I am internalizing it. Or even a past event as far back as childhood. I am now tired of smoking physically and emotionally.
     
    So I have not done a complete 180 right now I am sitting at 90 degrees and smoking is keeping me from reaching 180 degrees.
     
    A am a closet smoker (No I do not kid myself I know there are people know) But I do not smoke in my home, in my vehicles. No one that I know has physically seen me smoking in over 10 years. They may have smelled it on me but have not seen me smoking. So when I do smoke it is quick and fast. (Hot Boxer)
     
    I am not back on the Train yet but I will be on Sunday. I really do not want to take the YoYo approach to quitting. Been there done that did not work. I want to read Allen Carrs book I have it printed out but I do not want to wait until I finish the book to quit.
     
    Next blog post will be how being a NON Smoker will support my personal hopes and desires. ONWARD TO A 180

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