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GreenLover was there in Sarge's first days (at The Other Place). She later revealed herself as Beth, and reminded Sarge soooooo much of his Grandma on Mom's side. Still does. For what it's worth, GreenLover - you made it. All the way to the end as a non-smoker. A true Lifer. You made it. Sarge salutes you and is honored to present your final promotion. Sergeant Major GreenLover Beth, It was a privilege to have known you and my life is better for having done so.

"Autistic crisis means "new" = *flat-line*= no plan.. nothing besides the chaos and sounds, feelings, lights, voices (that you can't decipher while they are definitely speak the same language as you right?) and all are dumped on a brain that just cannot process it ." I relate to this so much. I have sensory-processing sensitivity (bordering on disorder), and when I'm overloaded there is no plan. There is only survival. And it's when utter panic sets in that I struggle to keep my quit. It has always been a moment of crisis that sent me running back to smoking. And I'm not sure exactly how to deal with this in the future, because, as you said, it's so hard to break through the mental chaos in those moments. All I see, hear, and feel during those moments (besides the lights and sounds and overwhelming emotions) are the CRAVINGS. It's like a blinking red neon sign in my brain. Maybe we can help each other formulate a plan. Sensory disorders present unique challenges, but I'm convinced we can figure out a way to deal with them!

I enjoyed lots of bad things...for a bit....

Hi, just joined out of my respect for Beth. Thank you rain for letting me know today...Beth, I will miss you! I will miss all of the battles we had all of those years ago...WOW some of them were doosies, but you and I have always had the stubborn kindred spirit thing going on between us...we always remained friends in spite of it all. I remember once you thanking me for never giving up on you, but it is YOU I Thanked for showing me how, that no matter what in this life, no matter the obstacles, to never ever give up! You did it too!! You became smober! And then I was able to watch you give back to others with that no-nonsense, no bs, laced with humor you had...I know you are enjoying a well-deserved rest with our God...but I want you to know-- 'cause I think you are watching ;) and because it is true, I will miss you and I love you lady.....katiem

beth will be missed. she butted heads with a bunch...but then again we all did or we wouldn't have a train. She just liked something of mine the other day, which was rare from her, wished her prayers on a post, sad but prayers are what everyone needs sometimes. SO more prayers to you Beth, I don't get squishy with emotions, but feel rather upset right now.

My last text message on my phone from Beth was from January 26th, 2016. It read, "Hey just for laughs can you put a judge judy pic on my post?" She was referring to a .GIF of Judge Judy with her eyes rolling and she wanted it in her signature, where it was but she since removed it.

I know all the answers to your questions. Yes to all 3! Who cares how many attempts you've made at quitting? You know how many times I told my wife I was going to quit and she just rolled her eyes and said "didn't you just say that yesterday?" Then I would come up withe some excuse. I quit for me. I didn't give a damn what anybody thought about my success or failure. Screw everybody else. This is about you. Please stop messing around with your life and quit. Look, this may be hard for you to quit or it might not. Right now your mind is your own worst enemy. Your inner junkie, strung out on nicotine, is telling you that you're going to fail, that you don't have the strength and the truth is that it's telling you that you don't want to quit. You're believing the lies. Smoking is of no benefit to you! All you're doing is chasing temporary relief from withdrawal and torturing yourself, not to mention slowly killing yourself. This is what it's come down to. It's time to quit smoking and stop listening to the lies in your head. Look at your quit buddy, IamDoingIt. He posted a great thread the other day about his relapse and his newfound commitment to quitting.

“Pay it forward” Express your quit. Your first, second, third, the sticky. Every battle, every loss, every win. Victory!!! Each and every expression on this site has impressed upon me an affirmation, a warning, guidance, and encouragement to stay on the train. I would be drowning in all kinds of anti-self mental states without the input of other passengers. I am so thankful I found this forum and that I have found my quit.

The fallacy of enjoyment came from the release of endorphins that nicotine triggered. Nicotine appropriated our brain receptors for pleasure, then they would only respond by administering nicotine. One by one we claim these receptors back. This is why rewards are so important. Here is a great thread by MLMR with a super video Educational Video on Nicotine and The Brain and a scientific study on Reward Processing and Smoking

Quite a shock, she was a genuine, kind, tough lady she will be sorely missed by family and friends The train lost a trooper today :( God bless You beth, rest with your passed loved ones xxxx

Beth and I butted heads so much on the start of my quit journey. Anyone who was witness to this either found it painful...or highly entertaining. What most people did not see were the countless messages going back and forth for over a year that brought us to an unusual but cool bond. Beth was genuine...a loving heart who would literally give someone the shirt off her back. Loved her no nonsense approach...her sense of humor...her loving heart. Gonna miss you so much miss rolly eyes!!

You guys... this loss is major to me... I have seen so many pass away since I joined the quit community about 8 years ago... but Beth was my best friend of all of them. I don't know what to do right now, I'm crying and can't stop. I talked to her almost daily on facebook in private messages and she had told me she thought there was something wrong with her lungs because she was quite short of breath lately. I am just so sad... our dear friend had a very tough life but she always did what she needed to, no complaining. Damn, we lost a major wonderful lady today.

honestly...even tho i've been quit for a few weeks, the cigs are still in control. I'm still an abstaining smoker. Most of my thoughts are dominated by the quit but that's okay. it has to be this way. my quit is a garden and right now it's full of weeds so it's going to take all my focus and effort to get all the weeds pulled. then once all the weeds are pulled it's going to take daily monitoring for new sprouts of weeds so i can dig down and find the roots. later it will take weekly monitoring for more weed sprouts so i can dig down further and get the rest of the roots. and then when i've gotten all the roots out and all the weeds are gone and there are only beautiful blooming flowers in my quit garden i still have to be vigilant in monitoring for weeds cause seeds will blow in on the wind from who knows where and they will pop up when and where i least expect them. but that is life. the garden, whatever it is be it quitting smoking or playing piano, must be tended. to do otherwise is to stop living.

@abbynormal let's do that! We could start in pm or a brainstormtopic.. -First I need to finish dinner We can make a difference!

That post Abby, thank you for sharing. So many of us experienced those same feelings...

Oh Abby, I also was so ashamed of smoking. I felt like such a weakling because I could not quit and knew that I was going to die of a smoking related illness. I promise you that you will gain so much power as your quit keeps going and then one day, it is not even a thought. You are doing great. Keep that quit going.!

Vivian, I have dealt with very abusive parents in my lifetime and over the last three years I have been taking care of them because they are old and have failing health. I was so beat down and very depressed. I then found this forum and started to quit smoking. As I posted SOS's and my feelings, many people here noted that I was dealing with abuse. They encouraged me and made sure I knew that I was gaining power with my quit. It is now a year later and I have walked away from the burden and feel so powerful and in control of my life. Yes the addiction is going to try and play on these emotions but you need to realize how strong you are. I have been so impressed with the way you are pushing through your quit. I promise that as you keep powering through, you will become so strong. You are an awesome woman and your new relationship sounds wonderful. I know you are going to have a happy smoke free life!

So I did start my new AM routine this morning and have to say - I feel really good and proud of myself! I found something nice on from the Livestrong foundation by the YMCA that seems perfect and low impact. I even have a new checklist to go down each AM to start my day. When I wake up I drink 8oz of water 1st thing. I don't chug it but just drink it and then use mindful breathing for 5 min. I make sure I eat protein, veggies and good fats for breakfast. Then rest and do some more mindful breathing before I start my exercises. Practicing my balance, the wall and clock crawl. Simple leg lifts to standing on one leg and then the other. Breathing exercises that are mindful for sleep and stress. They even have a cooling breath for those hot flashes!! Simple but useful things like hand and toe curls and using a stress ball. I really think this will be so helpful in just my new daily morning and evening routine. (or whenever I feel like it) At the end there is a fatigue assessment test to take and I have to admit on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst I would say I'm at a good 5 at the moment. Everything just feels right!! I know over time I will work myself up and get stronger and just the effort is the payoff! I think I have started to find that new balance and just had to share!! My mind is so at peace right now and I don't feel all jittery like I have to go clean something lol. I just feel good!!

Well - 2AM finds me this time but that's ok. I got a lot of much needed R&R yesterday so it's a nice even balance I guess. I just woke up with so many ideas and things I want to do that I just couldn't lay still any longer. After today's treatment I will only have 3 left!! They said within the next coming weeks I should notice a bit more side effects in the fatigue department and again the possible loss of hair. Friday will be my 1st 'alone' day and I plan to start the exercise program to help build and keep the muscles which also help fight the fatigue as much as possible. Not a bad routine to slip into my daily zipping around. I just need to make sure I recognize what my limits are and not push the bounds too much. That new A/C unit just rocks! I mean those guys really went above and beyond! The APCO-X air treatment system with the blue light at the top and bottom is like night and day! It even has a huge X in the middle for - X-MEN lol! But when they talked about the change and smell in the quality of the air of course I was a bit hmmm. But no lie - the air itself does have this 'smell' it's hard to describe. I don't want to say medicinal but that's the only thing I really can relate it to just CLEAN. The installers all have this blue light system in their own homes and admit due to my condition this is a higher grade and that I should notice a difference in no time. Boy were they right! The filter itself only needs to be changed twice a year so we have it all set up on a service plan to where they handle it all for us so no fuss no muss! You can even see the blue light glowing from the bottom almost like a night light in the hallway - it's pretty cool. The BF is ready to get painting on the inside of the house and knock a few rooms out over the weekend. I'll stay at my mom's of course but I need to find my color! You know it has to be all about the color at least lol! I figured I could grab me a nice filtered mask while at the hardware store and start caulking up some of the kitchen and bathroom seams. Nothing back breaking, I'll leave the base boards and bending over parts for him to do lol. Then hit the last few cabinets in the kitchen where all the missing parts of the pots and pans and odds and ends seem to end up and give them a good toss. Easy peasy stuff really. The next ticket item on the list is a new - well newer fridge I should say. I know ours has got to be at least 15yrs old. Single door with all the missing trays and slats definitely time for an upgrade to the double doors. Figured we'd hit the scratch and dent sale as were slowly finding with all the new foods there just isn't enough room to hold it all w/out it spilling out every time we open the door and it's just not functional any more plain and simple. And ah the recipes I've been googling and how to store my fruits and veggies properly to get the best shelf life is definitely my new 'obsession'. Another new notebook to add just for food!! I've been just making lists of the good vs the bad foods. Playing with all different menus for breakfast lunch and dinner. Trying to find that good balance so there is a nice solid 'weekly' menu in place that can be switched up with out having to put all this research into it later. Just really trying to get ahead and stay ahead of this fight I have. I've been trying to find as much as possible about this 'gene' thing as I can. I've tried to stick to the .orgs vs all the others for now and so far this is what I have found in regards to taking a pill a day vs the whole chemo route: with this 'lock and key' targeted therapy. Again - it's a deep rabbit hole and each gene apparently has it's own symbol (which I'm very curious to know about.) My appt. on the 28th is to go over a discuss everything in GREAT detail. Exactly which drug, which gene, all the possible side effects and so forth. I'm glad my sister/notetaker will be back in town or that part!! But so far this is what I have found - again without plunging too far down that great rabbit hole just yet: Monoclonal antibodies that deliver toxic molecules can cause the death of cancer cells specifically. Once the antibody has bound to its target cell, the toxic molecule that is linked to the antibody—such as a radioactive substance or a poisonous chemical—is taken up by the cell, ultimately killing that cell. The toxin will not affect cells that lack the target for the antibody—i.e., the vast majority of cells in the body. Now this treatment also has it's side effects as well - The most common side effects seen with targeted therapies are diarrhea and liver problems, such as hepatitis and elevated liver enzymes. Other side effects seen with targeted therapies include: Skin problems (acneiform rash, dry skin, nail changes, hair depigmentation) Problems with blood clotting and wound healing High blood pressure Gastrointestinal perforation (a rare side effect of some targeted therapies) This is where it's very KEY that I take care of myself - body, mind and spirit. Eat the right foods, doing my exercises and everything else on MY PART that I possibly can when it comes to my Battle Royal Deadpool Style. Just something I thought was pretty interesting. The more I find out the more I will be able to post about in greater detail. But until that appt. comes there's no use in fretting over what I cant control. Like sleep - so I'll just 'roll with it' as best I can until then. I hope everyone has a wonderful day! The weekend is almost here and another beautiful sunrise awaits us all!! Team Deadpool over and out!

I am responding here to this post of yours "As a smoker for 38 years I appreciate this thread because I struggle and struggle and relapse and relapse, then find myself wondering why others are able to stay quit and why I give in to the junkie thinking and make the choice to smoke again ("just one last pack because ABC") over and over and over again, fully aware of what I'm doing but "feeling" powerless to stop (note I am aware I'm "feeling" powerless, not truly powerless in reality) Please don't read into this post as giving myself an excuse to relapse. Thats not what I mean. I mean, I am trying not to kick myself in the head everytime I relapse, but to stay aware of the fact that when you smoke for as long as some of us have smoked, its going to be hard, its going to be tough and instead of hating on ourselves and criticizing ourselves (that will lead to giving up trying) its better to acknowledge that its going to continue to be hard and that its time to try something different...take suggestions...try new things to avoid giving in. I need to shake up this quit. I'm tired of coming in here with a new quit over and over again. Its embarrassing and humbling for sure. ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... and my response... Being honest with myself and using self critique as a tool has only led to me being a better human being to myself and others. Truth is my friend. How can it not be ? @MichelleDoesntSmokeAnymore, you've been coming here since March 2015. This weekend I read over a lot of your old threads looking for a clue as to why you won't keep a quit. Perhaps, you can find the clue. Here they are. You have to stop ******* around if you actually want to quit smoking. This isn't rocket science. I smoked for over 45 years. I thought I was 'a dedicated smoker' until I learned I was just addicted and no more addicted than any other nicotine addict on the planet. None of us are special snowflakes. Yes, I had some gnarly hours, days, weeks, months but, so what ? I wasn't being bombed, wasn't in ER, wasn't starving to death. What else was I doing with my time ? Feeding addiction or learning how to Live FREE ? This is all about addiction and the education thereof. I am not stronger, smarter or, better than any other nicotine addict. The only difference lays in the fact that I committed to myself, near on six years ago to NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF. NOT ONE PUFF EVER. This did not take Herculean Power, all it took was standing my ground, honoring myself and my commitment and blessed TIME. You know the drill. When will you honor a commitment to yourself and your quit ?

I feel like I missed out, Beth was never mean to me. I once called myself the relapse queen and she accused me of trying to steal her title and it made me laugh...from then on I trusted she had been where I was going and she simply called BS when that happened and hi five'd you when you did good. I like real people. Sending love and light to wish her well on her journey home, safe in the knowledge she will be safe and well with her sister by now. Pleased in a way that they are together. Personally, I feel really sad and can't quite believe it. Can't imagine what her family are going through so sending love to all of them. xx

So sorry to hear this sad news! I'm shocked. RIP Beth.

I am so upset. :( I loved her! She was so refreshing and seemed to be such a true person, an honest person, which to me is one of the most important things to be. I hope you are in heaven with your sister now and you are free

In shock...she was a amazing lady... My heartfelt sympathy to Beth's family.

My thoughts and sympathy to Beth's family. She will be missed here. RIP Beth

RIP Beth. Well said Sarge.

I am so shocked... and sad!!! I'm just out of words, I will pray, as she would have... I've never been affected like this, never met Beth in real life but as said on facebook: the quittrain is a family, always!!! Overwhelmed. Rest in peace, Beth

Rest in peace, dear Beth. Our hearts are breaking.

I've been bawling since I found out, my heart hurts. I will miss her and our conversations so much. She was such a great friend.

So good to hear from you Amy! I completely understand what you are saying and I have even experienced those feelings and thoughts myself. The truth is though, that you don't have the option any longer of not thinking about what smoking is doing to you. You have too much information now. You know there is a forum in which to get support. You know that while it may not have been the best feeling as the nicotine left your system , it wasn't as bad as you've imagined it would be either. So the question is not if you'll quit , but when? To me since you're going to quit anyway you might as well do it now. It's too late to go back to the cocoon, you're a butterfly! xoxo

Hi @Dejvis93 I am very happy that you didn't give up your quit while the site was down. Wow, 17 days already, that is great!! You are doing really fantastic! Keep doing it! The first couple of months you will struggle but it gets easier and easier as time goes on. Even though I am quit over a year, on occasion I still get an urge but it passes very quickly and isn't the same type of urge that I got in the beginning. Have a great weekend!

Thanks for bumping this, @jillar. Now that I'm well beyond the chemical withdrawal phase of my quit, I'm noticing that my actual urges to smoke have not gone away. They are more manageable - and I have a stronger toolkit for coping with them. But The deep desire/urge to smoke persists. This post points to part of why. One factor that contributed to my smoking was trying to numb-out and evade some inner conflicts (and some outer ones, too). Another was unmet needs. Now that I've quit smoking, I'm called into a deeper reckoning with these forces in my life. Ouch. I believe that denial is "nature's shock absorber." It serves a purpose in our psyche, and shouldn't be entirely avoided. I used smoking to serve this purpose, but quitting does not mean I have to be relentlessly hammered with discomfort. Talk about a disincentive to keep the quit! All it means is that I need to come up with some different ways to take a break or shift my energies when needed... ways that don't entail sticking something toxic in my mouth and setting it on fire. As @Boo has said elsewhere on the forum (and I'm paraphrasing), there are 999 things I can do with this moment, and just one thing I can't do - smoke. Here's to focusing on the 999.

This is, perhaps, an odd one: Not rattling as I walk down a hiking/birding trail. I used to always keep a hardpack of smokes in the right leg pocket of my cargo pants. Because the pack was usually half-gone, it used to rattle with every step I took. In the same pocket, also used to carry a black rubber film cannister for my butts, so that I didn't leave them lying around on trail. And of course they rattled, too. I now see so much wrong with this picture: being fastidious about not leaving butts on the ground while totally ignoring the smoke I put inside me... being literally a walking ashtray. Rattle. Rattle. Rattle. Nope, not this year! I look forward to hearing what the world sounds like.

I would also like to add why I joined this forum to quit smoking. I had tried every possible way to quit smoking. Hypnosis, nicotine gum and lozenges and a smoking cessation program with the famous Cleveland Clinic. Nothing worked and I continued to smoke. I became very ashamed, more isolated and depressed. The day I found this forum, I was desperately searching for someway to quit. I started lurking and reading as much as I could. The members here had a way of pulling you in. They made me laugh, something I hadn't done in a long time. They seemed to know me and my heart. As I travelled the journey with them, they helped me peel away the layers of self hate and doubt and made sure I knew I was strong enough. Let me tell you, I hung close and made new friendships that were all over the world. Today, I am smoke free and so much a different person than the one that landed here two years ago. I am strong and confident and loving life smoke free!

I love your gratitude list! And I'm so happy for you to make it through these intense moments. Good for you!!!!!!!

Love this post Abby, and I'm so happy for you

Hi. I’m L4L and I’m a former “closet” smoker. @abbynormal I know exactly what you are referencing in this great post. Guilt? check. Shame? check. Embarrassment? check. Joy? I guess I was joyful my withdrawal craves were calmed by smoking...

Hi Viv, I've had depression for most of my adult life and it's a bitch. It feels like it's not the real me but that side can be a bully and kick away the real me from time to time. I know where you're coming from. I like to think that only intelligent people get depression so I comfort myself with that sometimes. In the smoking context, we both know cigs do jack shit to help anything or are a medication for any condition. My level of depression is not changed one iota with or without cigs so I may as well be depressed without smoking than be depressed with COPD or cancer. I've been on and off anti-depressants for years and it's about time we removed the stigma from such maladies and openly say, "Yeah, I've got depression. I've a job and family and it's managed. It's a physical illness, what's the big deal with you knowing?" Of course other folks may not be able to be employed with the condition but the above is just my example. There are many levels of depression and I'm mostly OK but when I'm not, my world seems to have a grey coating on it where nothing seems interesting or worth the effort and there's a lot of pessimism about big and even small matters eg. I'm not even going to watch England play, I know they'll lose. That was a 'small matter' example by the way. So there it is for all the World to read - I've got managed depression and if anyone thinks less of me for that, they can f**k off! Comon Viv, we can whinge and moan together but never with a cigarette in hand, that's the only stipulation.

The small things count as well. It could be, "Have I got my fags?" "Damn, I've forgot my lighter. Oh no, It's empty, I'll have to nip to a shop on the way to work. Have I time?" I've got eight fags left....erm....is that enough until I get home tonight? Let's see, two on the way to work. Six on my breaks. Bugger, none for my journey home. Mmmmm... not enough but I've no money left. I'll ration them better." Etc.etc. All that palaver is gone now. The freedom comes in many guises.

I got to come home early today, as there was a ton of people there today! Plus there's a bit of a long story behind it - I have a worker's comp case open, I will explain it one day! Here's my pic:

You'll do fine mrsguest, because you want this Your pic didn't post but I did assembly work years ago so I know how monotonous it can be.

Yes Kate, PLEASE at least try using the air cigarette. It really did the job at getting me through the cravings. You've been at this a long time, years, so at this point it wouldn't hurt to try the clues that worked for us. I REALLY want you to succeed and I know you can. You just have to believe it too

Oh Michelle, I am so sorry to hear you have relapsed again. We are here for you but you don't even seem to reach out with an SOS. Your behavior is more like the drug addict. As long as you are isolated and don't have the means to get out, you are willing to attempt quitting. Knowing you are getting out, you are planning your next fix. That definitely is junkie thinking. I truly think you want to quit but you are not ready to commit. I think the first thing you should do, this quit, is go and read @hellkatbaby post from yesterday. It is the shocking reality of where this addiction will lead you. You can do this.

@Sslip, I'm so thankful for the old posts here and for everyone's generosity of time and experience. It has helped me every single day. But, last night, I was truly touched to have been tagged by you just to see if I was OK. It made me feel... I don't know... less alone in this battle. Thank you!! And, @notsmokinjo, thank you for noticing as well. Being able to witness first-hand how effective this community can be when you really need them was amazing! @reciprocity, I've seen it, but I really don't know how to respond to myself yet. Last night taught me that my brain isn't always truthful with me, so I hesitate to try and make something up. There were a few posts that I read in the old SOS posting, though, that I might just copy out and save as a pre-sos for myself - they were instrumental in helping me to calm down. @jillar, I agree. He may be a dirty smoker, but he's been my most avid supporter.

Beth, I'm going to miss you so much. Thanks for the PM's of encouragement and for always being so genuine. Your life was not easy but you kept going and made the best of it. You're in the arms of God now. Rest easy. xx

Ha...Babs, I have to admit that I found it very entertaining!!! And I agree with everyones sentiments!!! RIP Beth!!

So very shocked and sad to read this ... thoughts and condolences to her family and to those of you who knew her far better than I

OMG That really sucks!! She just lost her sister a week ago. I didnt always agree with her views but she was one tough cookie. That is so sad I feel for her family and my thoughts are with them :(

I think it took awhile for her and I to warm up to each other, but she was an absolutely amazing woman. I am so very sorry to hear this.

So sorry for your loss. Losing them is the hardest part. The Rainbow Bridge By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill, Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still. Where the friends of man and woman do run, When their time on earth is over and done. For here, between this world and the next, Is a place where each beloved creature finds rest. On this golden land, they wait and they play, Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day. No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness, For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness. Their limbs are restored, their health renewed, Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued. They romp through the grass, without even a care, Until one day they start, and sniff at the air. All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back, Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack. For just at that instant, their eyes have met; Together again, both person and pet. So they run to each other, these friends from long past, The time of their parting is over at last. The sadness they felt while they were apart, Has turned into joy once more in each heart. They embrace with a love that will last forever, And then, side-by-side, they cross over… together.