Context: work.
Sitting in my car. Thinking about today. Am I satisfied? Not at all. Was it worth my time? Nope. Did we come to some mutual understanding, something fundamental, something that makes us a serious party to take in account? I seriously doubt that.
Contemplating everything that has been said during the meeting. It is not ok. This is not how we planned it. And I saw it coming and shared my worries long ago, for nothing.
And then suddenly I have this anger coming up, al the way from my toes crawling up, it’s hot, it’s swirling. I am mad as hell. And it’s crystal clear rage. Not blinded, not tempered, my heart beating like crazy but for a very genuine reason and I just let it beat like that. My hands are glued to my steeringwheel, I’m surprised the thing doesn’t melt in my hot hands.
I’ve not felt such anger in ages. In the background the radio is having a party with Ravel and his Bolero, reaching a climax. I seriously did not have a part in that. Pure coincidence.
Not once does smoking cross my mind. Somehow I’m able to experience this rage in all it’s rawness, it’s beauty even.
And when the final notes die away, my heart is beating slower, I loosen my grip. My breathing is back to normal, maybe even a bit deeper than normal. Let's go home and may tomorrow take care of it.
Man, do I like quitting and feeling everything that I’m supposed to feel right now.