Leaderboard

Till one year. Going to bring myself back up now. Can't be sad for long...got a treat to plan no idea what still? As I come towards this mark in time I can't help but remember where I was a year ago today. With 12 days till the quit I had already tried patches and been allergic, so by now a year ago I was taking champix, desperate for that "moment" when I knew I could quit. It made me feel so sick, the dreams were mental, I felt like I was beginning to suffer some depression...I knew I would follow it through waiting for that elusive quit...it must be somewhere right. I had done a healing course, I knew it was time. I just honestly had no idea how it actually worked...how did one simply not smoke again? I'd been relapsing since the previous July, quit, fail, quit smoke. It had been a joke. What made the difference 11 days on is finding a tribe to support me. The strange thing is I went in hard with the supporting others, day 2, I gave every sad story to help others and knew I'd found my feet in a quit and my place in a support circle. Probably the first time if I'm honest, that I'd ever actually allowed anybody to support me. I am massively independant and self sufficient. It felt odd to be so confused and weak but good to know others would hold me up when I needed and virtual hi five every ok day and celebration. It's why the celebrations are so big to me. So 12 sleeps to go until my 1 year celebration.

I am weirded out by all the smoking dreams. Awake I know I'm not at risk...if only my subconscious would catch up!! Posted and asked for if others felt it. Awake, I am feeling stronger. Like the quit is strengthening me. I will celebrate my 1 year this time and I will stay quit, because it is different now. I don't actually want to be a smoker, so the other option is non smoker isn't it. Simple really. Would I smoke if the end of the world was nigh. No, I'd have people to be with and be too busy to waste the time. If I was terminal. No, I would want to feel as well as I could - I felt lousy as a smoker, no breath, no energy, lousy. I smile now because there isn't a situation that could make me want to smoke anymore. It wasn't always so. I was the epitomy of fake it till you make it. Still no idea on a treat. Maybe I'll save for a holiday I will actually enjoy this time. With the right people.