This may end up being a mish-mash of random thoughts....I just feel the need to talk.  In 2003, I fell (crashed) ....slipped on water from dog bowl...long story cut short....fractured pelvis in 9 places,mostly right side.  Back has never and will never be great again.  Misdiagnosed twice in ER, finally saw PCP, got the MRI.  Technician asked, “ Honey, when was your car wreck?”  You get the idea.  3 months later, I was walking without the walker, and doing “fair.”  Kept working...I simply took call for the hospice, and would triage the calls-dispatch -ing staff as indicated. Was able to play 36 holes of golf, created a garden of

Eden in my back yard, walked 2-3 miles several times a week, did all the housework, cooking, etc.  

Worked ( RN) until 10/25/15, when I started having weird epigastric pain...continued on for about an hour....drove self to nearest ER, was in surgery by 6pm for an abdominal thoracic aneurysm.  Next day, I developed AFIB, Hypertension...told to see cardiologist within 2 weeks.  Was immediately re-

admitted to hospital for Ablation #1.   Another long story short....was able to return to work (working as case manager from home)...went through 4 more

ablations, without real improvement.  Have had numerous back injections and rhizotomy’s for back issues. ( each ablation was4-6 hours, with a requirement that I lie flat afterwards for 12 hours)....this always screwed up my lower back even worse.   Fast forward to 6/23/20...back to surgery for another aneurysm at the distal end of the previous one.  I am having another back procedure this coming Thursday.  
I have no stamina,strength,energy.  All cardiac meds have failed for AFIB.

I am 5’11”, and now weigh 108#.  I look and feel like death warmed over.  I have resistant hypertension.  All of my cardiac tests are “normal.”  
I enjoy my cigarettes.  This is nuts.  Lung function is still WNL.  
I am sick and tired of being a near invalid.  
At this point....I really feel that the one thing that I can do that just may make a difference....not smoke anymore.

I am a Christian.  Please send me prayers, mojo, magic potions, anything!!!!
xxoo