Hello Fabulous Quit Train People,

It has been awhile since I was here on the boards.                The last 3 hours have been a wreck of smokey thoughts and intentions.                      Grateful I chose to come visit here before grabbing my keys and heading out.                Haven't gotten myself off the ledge yet and am certain I will get off it before relapsing.

The intensity doesn't surprise me. I know who I am. 

Sad that I am having the "same old , same old"  response to predictably the same old, same old ire raising situations.                   Yet, again, I know who I am.   Or do I?            

Perhaps this urge is responsive/reactive to the myriad of BIG FEELINGS and stressful circumstances being experienced.    Collective experiences of 2020 ...living just outside the Twin Cities... navigating life and loving in "the after times" of Covid-19 presence.    Or perhaps, and likely, it is my long standing programming to choose harm to myself when I am "over" (whelmed, hungry, angry, lonely, tied, hot, ashamed, feeling powerless, etc....)

Need to hold space for allowing the new.   Past behavior is only a predictor until it isn't, ...and something changes.      Think I picked up that delightful tidbit here on the train.

Came and read several pages of "pre respond to your S.O.S.".        Including both of my own posts there.    having salad and sharing my ticker stats with my marvelous man.   grateful I will make it through this day as a non smoker.   

I know I am one crappy decision away from a lifetime of continued misery.

Keeping gratitude in the forefront.....

will get to see my dad in person this Autumn.

likely going to marry my marvelous man while my dad visits....bit of a late bloomer on the "traditional social norm" scene...grateful for THAT, too!

Got to float through the lake reeds listening to a pair of loons

garden is growing and exciting to watch and eat

I have nourishing relationships and environments

I am a nonsmoker

a doe and her to spotted fawns are a daily delight to see

I am enjoying kayaking, canoeing and just sitting lakeside listening and watching

the gift of health is keeping me living easily

My needs are met fully and richly...many wants, too

I have over $800 because I do not smoke

Quit Train exists and is filled with fabulous support and great information

.....so much more to be grateful for , too.........

looks like I made it through this addiction dance....