Been a long week since I touched base here.   Still on the train. 

Had a few times where I almost (purse in hand and headed for the car) went to buy cigarettes, ended up doing something different. 

        Turns out I seem to be an awful bitch...didn't realize how often I used a cigarette to stop myself from speaking.  lol, or cry.   Course, I am used to being of service to my community and working some, so perhaps (I hope) the bitchiness isn't entirely the real me under the addiction.... and may be related to the changes the world is going through.  Still, like to think I'd show up as a kinder, wiser, more giving human.  nope....in all ways.

        Been away from the boards due to my pessimistic bent.   The QT is a wonderful place for support and commitment....an a poor place for powerlessness and commitment ambiguity.

Excited about spring and gardening. Got to drive the tractor (maybe the 2nd time I have driven one) to go get the mulch for the flower beds.  Fun riding up high in the spring sun.   Even more fun mulching with the tractor bucket....talk about easy!   Killed my tomato sprouts by putting them out too long in the spring air.   Live and learn.     I hope.

                                                                            I am uncertain about my quit.  There continues to be the feeling that it is temporary.  Junkie thoughts, yes I hear them.

                             It has been true that I am committed to little in this world and may lack some inherent ability, desire or just plain          integrity          to truly be dedicated to anything, least of all myself and loving myself. 

I just keep hearing these doubts circling...sometimes very vaguely, other times 'get the keys we're going cuz you know you smoke'. 

I recently went through several nights of horrible dreams related to past painful events, awakening scared, heart hammering, angry and crying. 

Still FREE today.  For that I am grateful.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 dancing in the dark