1 April

Feeling odd and fine at the same time.  Pretty sure lots of folks are in this space.

Had some sleep with out OTC assistance the last few nights.  Yay!

As this recovery from 38 plus years of addiction sails along ...

my gums and teeth are sensitive and sore in places.   Hurray for blood flow!!  Appreciate the opportunity to lavish some fabulous oral care on myself.  I love my waterpik. 

Had allowed the illusion of no pain to be the belief "I have healthy gums and teeth"... sad laughter ...  the lies I told myself as I sucked in the poisons.

Kind of funny (no, definitely not funny) in some sick ways ... there was never any doubt or clarity around being an addict.  I knew that from pretty much the beginning ... definitely by 16 years old, that I was addicted to cigarettes.

In the last ten years, a beloved colleague of mine and I would announce to our team mates that we were headed to the backyard to kill ourselves one breath at time. He passed away from lung cancer about 4 years ago.   

Many years (could be a lifetime) of trauma, depression, anxiety and seriously poor at best coping skills are evolving into many years of  inner peace, learning to love and healing.  Will have to see how the scars of smoking continue to impact life and find ways to use them to celebrate FREEDOM.

                                          FREEDOM gratitude list

 deeply grateful that:

             each day begins differently now ... weird due to covid-19 situation, but not with the immediate lurching out the door to light up. Sometimes to smoke up to 3 cigarettes before feeling prepared  to do other things.

             after eating I clean up and stow food without having to smoke first

             breathing without wheezing is calming

            no arranging the day around smoking- currently not much arranging the day period, but I look forward to going places and not needing to scout a place to smoke where I won't be seen

            I get to hangout on the QT with fun folks, play games and learn, and be with people

           my hands and feet seem warmer

            I do not spend tons of time worrying about cancer -- still may happen, but for now my mind is at peace around it

           choosing to be free from slavery of nicotine, may be a sign that I really am able to love myself somehow... a true miracle, if you knew me and how I  have been

           people who love me are glad for me to be quit

           I am not triggered by other people smoking -- I hear them light up while we talk on the phone and have no craving, used to be an autopilot response when on the phone. Yay freedom!

                                                                                                                            Thank you, thank you, thank you for quitting smoking, Darcy.