19 march

Attempting something new...starting a journal type blog...or something ...lol

Hello Everyone,

Made it through yesterday with my seat on the train intact.  Wasn't sure that was going to be the case for awhile.

Was in an emotional upheaval and down on myself for not showing up for people how I would hope to if being a kind thoughtful person.  I have a tendency toward self recrimination that is probably diagnosable somehow.  I lean toward hurting myself harder, if I perceive (or know) I have hurt others.  Awareness of the pattern is only helpful sometimes. Yesterday it was not. 

Solution - intentional, aware acts of love and kindness

Still have the lingering 'I have already relapsed" in my head.  I have not put anything in my mouth and lit it on fire.....and..... Klaxon bells sounding....faintly

Oddly, I have something tangible to be grateful for around this covid-19 situation.  Should I choose to buy cigarettes, I will be putting vulnerable people in my home in harms way.  See above cycle of guilt and remorse and solution.

This drama played out just before and during lunch.  I reluctantly (junkie brain screaming and wheedling....still jumping up and down waving hands or  giving my the sly sideways look of '

you already did it in your head - just run to the gas station before day break....very few people out right now......etc.  me: typing and  la la laing in my head) chose to go to work with my guy and read to him while he worked for the remainder of the day. 

When it started it wasn't even a craving.  Just the guilt for how I had treated someone I love in this time of bizarre horror and fear.  It morphed into a HUGE craving [as stressful situations were PREVIOUSLY (take that junkie) always navigated with killing myself one breath at time] and verbal emotional turmoil way beyond the reasonable response to the situation at hand.   it was still hanging with me by the end of the day and I was wiped out.  Still feeling wiped out.

I am certain some of this has to do with circumstances of the world and am grateful I made it through (am I? - shut the  f up junkie) with my seat.

I did not post here because I am not savvy enough to utilize my phone to do it and chose to go with my guy.

Yesterday Doreeen and Sazerac were encouraging me to protect my quit.  Not sure how to do that when I choose to lose it like that.   Any excuse will do...

Wobbly, drained and smoke free......

Appreciation and relief for all those who posted  a response to my original post of this in  a thread....