You are a very strong person. Living with an abusive partner takes so much strength and courage. 

You dreamt of two negatives from your past but the important piece is you left them both behind. They ruined your life and your quit but they are gone. 

You have to keep your mind in the present and focus on your quit and your awesome partner. That is all that matters and all that is important. 

Don't give either of those two past negatives in your life any power. Be glad they are both gone. 

If you smoked under these circumstances all you will do is give your ex that manipulating abusive power back. You're worth so much more x x

@Lilly thank you so much.. kinda made me cry.. 

I will not give my ex, addiction and past any more power, you are right.. 

Having a hard time to seperate emotions from reality.. 

Ps. The fact that I posted this here means I do feel safe now.. and that's all on you guys..

The place in your brain that is responsible for your survival on an emotional level is also where the nicotine receptors are located.  That's why nicotine addiction is tricky to overcome, your brain without nicotine will often switch over to a survival mode and dump adrenaline into your body.  This creates a panic and edgy feeling.  What helps is to start recognizing what's happening and use your rational brain to calm yourself.  This episode started with a dream.  Dreams aren't reality.  The reality is you have a kind and supportive boyfriend.  The reality is you haven't smoked.  Go for a walk to burn off the adrenaline.  Have you read about HALT?  Your strength is still there.  Have you read MLMR journey in the thread Introsucksion?

2 minutes ago, Paul723 said:

The place in your brain that is responsible for your survival on an emotional level is also where the nicotine receptors are located.  That's why nicotine addiction is tricky to overcome, your brain without nicotine will often switch over to a survival mode and dump adrenaline into your body.  This creates a panic and edgy feeling.  What helps is to start recognizing what's happening and use your rational brain to calm yourself.  This episode started with a dream.  Dreams aren't reality.  The reality is you have a kind and supportive boyfriend.  The reality is you haven't smoked.  Go for a walk to burn off the adrenaline.  Have you read about HALT?  Your strength is still there.  Have you read MLMR journey in the thread Introsuksion?

This helps alot!!

I did read them, but as a brain in panick mode does it didn't recall it when needed.

So thank you!!! This makes sense!!

@Paul723 and taking your advise right away! I am getting the dog and go for a long brisk walk in the rain... 

So if I don't respond right away, don't worry! I am walking it off!!

Vivian,  I have dealt with very abusive parents in my lifetime and over the last three years I have been taking care of them because they are old and have failing health.  I was so beat down and very depressed.  

I then found this forum and started to quit smoking.  As I posted SOS's and my feelings, many people here noted that I was dealing with abuse.  They encouraged me and made sure I knew that I was gaining power with my quit.  It is now a year later and I have walked away from the burden and feel so powerful and in control of my life.  

Yes the addiction is going to try and play on these emotions but you need to realize how strong you are.  I have been so impressed with the way you are pushing through your quit.

I promise that as you keep powering through, you will become so strong.  You are an awesome woman and your new relationship sounds wonderful.  I know you are going to have a happy smoke free life!

Not really adding anything new here but still gunna chuck in me two bobs worth....so @Paul723 gave you the science....those nicotine receptors are going bat shit crazy as you starve them and turn them off one by one...they are in panic mode....and in the past when you are stressed or scared you smoked...so the little buggers push the shit out of those buttons. There were a whole slew of things I thought I'd dealt with as a kid that resurfaced when I quit .. things I thought were resolved bubbled to the surface...the way I looked at for me it was all about control and I couldn't control my childhood or change the past what I could control was smoking...I was in charge of that...I controlled that...and I kinda liked being the fat controller.....but it boils down to two things said already... (Paraphrased) As @Lilly said YOU ARE WORTH IT...and @Linda Thomas said we are here for you. You aren't alone, you are safe, and I can guarantee at least one other member here has walked in your shoes.

As you grow you your freedom you level up to the next version of yourself...still the same but stronger and with smoke free super powers.

You don't smoke anymore, Ms V.

So, let these anxieties and fears wash right out of you.

They belong to the addiction.

You are a free woman, now,

building yourself a strong and sturdy quit.

Make sure you reward yourself for conquering the latest episodes, this is important work.

*Hugs*!!!!!

I survived and it passed.. I feel way better then I did today.. 

Oh Vivianne, I'm sorry you had such a bad day. Those feelings are normal early on as our brain adjusts to no more chemicals or nicotine. You've been given great advice and support above.

Lean on us whenever you need, call your boyfriend or better yet go play the more fun version of chicks and sticks with him lol.

It won't be long before your self esteem starts rising and all the emotions you're going through right now calm down