Day 3 lasted for-freaking-ever.  First day back to work after quitting, and I had exactly zero concentration.  Glued to my support system all day, I really didn't get anything productive accomplished.  While it feels like I wasted the entire day mooning over the emptiness of not smoking, I can't really say it was a waste, can I?  I mean, that's one more day under my quit belt - and the last day (supposedly) of nicotine in my system.

So, with the physical withdrawals done (mine consisted of sweaty palms, shaking hands, and a whole lot of whining), I guess it's time to start "ferociously" addressing the emotional withdrawals.  I just wish I knew HOW.  A fellow quitter (Sazerac) suggested to me yesterday that I:

Get ferocious about banishing your smoking/not smoking thoughts.

Replace them with something that feels good, sounds good, looks good.

I know it is hard, and it nearly made me really crazy but, the earlier you take control of your brain, the easier it gets.

I wish I had been more aggressive sooner re-programming my brain.

Sounds easy in theory, but I am still "romancing" the cigarette.  Yes, yes I am.  I still think I wasn't entirely ready for this quit; I didn't have a count-down, I didn't clean everything beforehand, I didn't even have that last cigarette outside the night before I quit.  SEE?  The romance isn't dead over here.  I want to smoke, but I also want to be a non-smoker.  God, how gross is that?  Smoking smells bad.  It makes my teeth and fingertips yellow.  It gives me more wrinkles than I've earned.  And those are just the VAIN reasons.  There's also emphysema (I see my father slowly suffocating even with his oxygen machine), there's cancer (oh, a whole family history - everything from cervical to skin to breast to brain), there's heart disease (not-so-much in the family history, but I'll be darned if I'm going to tempt that fate).  I'm totally embarrassed by the way I perceive non-smokers being able to smell it on me.  My kids hate it.  My family hates it.  I hate it.

And, I still want to smoke.  It won't even do me any good right now - I've been taking that Chantix medicine, so it's blocking the nicotine receptors making it so even if I DO smoke, I still won't get that release of dopamine.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  It just doesn't seem to matter how much I know about this addiction, I still can't control that little nicotine voice in my head that tries to tell me I can have complete control over it.  I KNOW I WON'T AND CAN'T, but I keep thinking that I can.  And, my mind can be very convincing.

So, I'll keep battling and blogging.  Because, I also know it's going to get better.  It's going to get easier.  And, I am going to figure out how to retrain my brain.