Day 1

I wasn't prepared to write my first blog post ever in my life tonight - but, I mean, here's this option right here and this site has just made it so easy and I always said I wanted organize my old posts to remember how awful it was...

Here I am. Again with the first day. Again with the relentless discomfort that follows every life segment. Wake up. Remind myself that "No. You don't smoke anymore." Drink coffee. "No. You don't smoke anymore." Driving. "NOPE."  Finished breakfast. "NOPE." And so on throughout a seemingly endless series of NOPE that represents, what? It's only been a day? ONE day? 

But, my reality is different than that. It still sucks, and it still feels incessant (this constant tendency to want a cigarette and the resulting need to remind myself of my NOPE and to redirect my thoughts to something (anything, really) else. Yet, this all feels familiar to me, and not nearly as scary and horrible as last time.

I hate to say it, but until.this morning, I wasn't sure that I wanted to quit today. I saw my pack of cigarettes on the table when I came downstairs this morning. Seventh day on Chantix. I COULD quit today... OR I could keep smoking for a whole 'nother week because I like smoking.

Wait. What?

And, that's when it hit me. I LIKE smoking?!? No I don't! Who said that? Me? Surely not.

Ugh. So here I am. Again.