First let me send each of you that have supported over the past week a HUGE THANK YOU!!!!!

For some reason I lost all of my post and the wonderful support comments that each of you have offered me. I have not posted since I blew my quit on day 4. But I have been back here daily to read your comments, read other post and reflect. This morning I decided I was ready to post only to find out that I was still logged in but could not access anything. Thankful an administrator get me back on but everything is gone. Still not sure what happened but I will just look at it as a fresh start.

So why is my blog titled "A Complete 180." Today I got plenty of think time as a drove to the "Big City" to buy a new dishwasher.

Here is a piece of my story.....My mom is the most self-loathing--codependent person I know and of course by nurture so was I. I have been lucky and realized that was not the type of person I wanted to be. That I could change and did not have to be like that. I have worked hard over the past 20 years to rewire myself from that type of self-loathing--codependent thinking that I was raised with. Little small steps along the way.

In 2009 I found an online community that I became a part of that has made all the difference in the world. I just know that I had kicked that beast to the curb. A Complete 180.

Well at 2:30 today as I was driving and thinking about Why I Smoke, What are my Triggers, ect. a revelation it hit me like a ton of bricks my number one trigger is when something happens that makes me feel like someone does something to inflect pain on me which starts the whole, why me, why am I to unimportant..., why are my feelings not important, why do they do this to me. I use Smoking to inflect Self-harm. To cope with the pain of strong emotions, intense pressure and situations that I feel I can not change. So it goes beyond just a chemical addiction I have a self harm additions. More times then not I am sure when I am smoking the thoughts that are in my mind are thoughts of self-loathing, or about some action that someone has done and now I am internalizing it. Or even a past event as far back as childhood. I am now tired of smoking physically and emotionally.

So I have not done a complete 180 right now I am sitting at 90 degrees and smoking is keeping me from reaching 180 degrees.

A am a closet smoker (No I do not kid myself I know there are people know) But I do not smoke in my home, in my vehicles. No one that I know has physically seen me smoking in over 10 years. They may have smelled it on me but have not seen me smoking. So when I do smoke it is quick and fast. (Hot Boxer)

I am not back on the Train yet but I will be on Sunday. I really do not want to take the YoYo approach to quitting. Been there done that did not work. I want to read Allen Carrs book I have it printed out but I do not want to wait until I finish the book to quit.

Next blog post will be how being a NON Smoker will support my personal hopes and desires. ONWARD TO A 180