I had a WAY better 2014 then 2013 was and like us Dutch millpeeps do, we light fireworks and I believe me quiting without ANY other nicotine made me face my fear. I'm not very well with fears but I practically put 2 sugars in every senseo cup of tea and lived on high glucose levels the first 3 days and I did something I never pulled off before: I just quit. Stick with NOPE and had some conversations in my head especially the first 2 days but I broke the endless cycle of patches, smoking, patch on, off and smoking. FOR BLOODY ten years I did this.

And I broke the cycles!

To me this is HUGE! Because I had either a patch on, or puffing away. Earlier this year I tried it with support of my Nortrilen (anti-depressivant) but I wasn't ready yet and fell.

I grew mentally since my Nortrilen is stabalised on 5 pills a day. I I learned how to cope with emotions, was no longer depressed and yes the occasionally flashback here and there came by but from all of this I learned. My therapist said some direct, bloody painful things to me and THAT turned the tables.

I saw the world as one big danger; he said the biggest threat to you, are you. Emotions won't kill you, but attempting to make emotions go away CAN kill you. The first thing he said we overdosed on Nortrilen trying to escape a flashback. The second he is drilling me with.

I have a choice, live in fear for the shadows from the past or choose to look into the future where I am FREE and Jesus has conquered and by that I am a winner too.

I can choose to relapse, drown in self pity or sadness but your past will never improve by keep looking back; and do I have a plate of memories to process and recover from YES but I refuse to choose the easy way.

I am a survivor from severe trauma and I write this because I know many struggle in the dark.

But I REFUSE to listen to the lies of the past, and choose to THRIVE!

I AM A NON-SMOKER, I KICK-ASS if needed, and I CHOOSE positivity over self destruction.

And that's what I stand for.