I decided about two months ago I not only needed to quit smoking but I wanted to quit smoking. But I didn't. There were always reasons not to quit, a visit from a friend who smokes, a party, a stressful situation. I even put it off because I didn't want to inflict my bad mood on my family. But today I was out of excuses. I have just an hour under my belt but with the help of fellow non smokers (here) and my nicotine patch I think maybe this time I can do it.

I have so many confusing feelings going on. How can I be so ready and so full of dread at the same time? I'm excited to finally be free of this horrible habit. I'm ready to stop wheezing at night, getting winded just going up the stairs, and I won't lie, I'm ready to be free of the financial obligation because that's what it feels like, an obligation. I live with my mom who also smokes and has told me for years she can't or won't quit until I do. Lately she's been coughing deeply and it's worried me every time I hear her in the other room "coughing up a lung". She's a puzzle though. For some reason, she can go for days at a time without a second thought to having a cigarette. I get jealous of her ability to quit so easily. I think, "If only I could do that then I wouldn't have to quit altogether!" But from my very first cigarette at age 14, I've been hopelessly hooked. Why did I ever start? To be cool? People talk about regrets in life and while there are plenty of little things I could regret, they're just that, little things. I've said it before, my biggest regret in life was the day I lit my first cigarette.

But then I think of how free I'll feel if I can just stick with it this time. I won't be wondering when I can sneak in my next cigarette wherever I go. I can just imagine a long layover and not be frantically searching the airport for a smoking lounge! I won't have to deal with all the disapproving glares I get from people when I'm smoking in public. I won't have to make sure I have enough smokes to get me through to the next day. Plus, I won't stink!

So yeah, I have just over 1 hour but I'm determined to make this work and with your help and support, hopefully it won't be the nightmare I worry it might be.

My pack is empty, my stockpile of popcorn is huge, and I think I've got the determination to see it though this time.