I am 8 months and some change quit. I have a vigilant, supported, hard fought for quit and I genuinely love being a non smoker. I'm not just saying it. I have no desire to be a smoker ever again, I will not be chained, I will not be sick by choice apart from anything I've already done.

I was on holiday, holiday triggers, yep! Got it, fought it!! Screw that, no way. I understand, it's a situation I haven't faced before. I've seen it at parties, in gatherings. When we meet with friends. All done and dusted, I can go out with smokers now and socialise, I don't think about smoking doing that.

Then there's this last couple of weeks and it's just plain odd. It's almost like going back to the rinse and repeat month, except it's different too. Then it was wanna smoke, don't smoke, ok. Wanna smoke, don't smoke, OK. Now it's what the actual F, why am I looking longingly at that person who gets to smoke...oh hold on a minute...doesn't get to smoke, HAS to smoke, I don't want to smoke (really? you really don't?), duh.

That is where I am and I don't understand this one? I feel like someone has delivered me to the wrong party!! Shopping today I looked at people smoking twice and thought man, I can't smoke like they can and felt sad. So to me there's no relapse being planned subconciously or anything I just don't understand why I would feel that when I don't want to smoke?

So I brought myself a nice new rug. In case I'm tempted, I spunked my money on something beautiful, but I don't think I am. I'm a bit confused. Vigilant and aware, but confused.