I have been sitting wondering why, why did I become a smoker and how. The word that has sprung to mind all through my quit is insidious! I never "meant" to be a smoker. I didn't "choose" it and yet I ended up at an average of 2 packs per day by age 38, from a first cigarette starting point of age 9.

Age 9, I stole a cig from my mums packet. I don't even remember why. My parents were still together, home life was suspicious but I don't know why I did it. I took it to the shed, took some puffs and it was terrible! I remember deep wracking coughs and extreme dizziness. I put it out and went back to that same cig, relighting it on and off. Occassionally stealing the next one but nothing consistent.

By age 12 I was smoking one a day. After school in my bedroom (the whole house always reeked of smoke from my Mum). We had not long returned from living abroad, I had not smoked in Australia for the 6 months. I think I can pinpoint THIS as the time I became addicted. I had heard from my parents that they "needed" a cig, I associated it with being a grown up and stress relief. My parents had split whilst we were abroad. I now understand my dopamine pathways were reliant on nicotine to reset it's flight or flight path. While I was still a baby really, my brain had started to build in smoking as a coping mechanism, I had bought into the hype at such a tender age. Even on that one a day I could feel the difference if I was late home to smoke.

Age 13 I dated a guy who smoked. I was a malboro red smoker. They still made me cough. Every time we would meet up I would smoke between 5 and 10 in a day. At some point of this year I started to take my cigs into school and smoke in the breaks, I did this alone, none of my school friends smoked! Let's be clear here, my addiction was fully fledged now. I honestly didn't realize or have any knowledge of nicotine as an addiction. Most of the adults in my life smoked, except my Dad who had quit. They all knew I smoked, no one tried to stop me or explain any bad things that could happen. By now my brain would have needed nicotine anyway. That relief sensation that I believed was given by nicotine was simply my pathways receiving the nicotine they had been trained to believe they needed now. My whole brain had re-wired itself to dispose of the chemicals and nicotine. I started a little baby cough. Especially if I laughed and on waking.

Age 15 I moved school. Fell in with other smokers/kids who skipped school and it spiraled from there. I still did well enough at school despite often being out and about. Smoking was socially acceptable, the only person not smoking was my Dad and he had started to whinge. I believed I chose to smoke, after all I never did anything I didn't want to!

Age 24 I needed to quit. I wanted to buy a house and my then fella quit. He told me he didn't expect me to be able to quit - pfft - I quit because I insisted on proving I could if I wanted. Man that was hard!! Started to educate myself on the damage I had done from a similar type of forum but internet was still pretty new and they cancelled the server at work before my quit had "set". We split up a year later, 6 months from my wedding date. It was a shock! I went to buy cigs to light in front of the wardrobe that held his clothes. I got an ashtray (I kept for visitors) lit the cig without inhaling and set it in the ashtray with the wardrobe doors open and sat beside it to wait for the smell to get strong, the smell took me over and I picked it up and smoked it whilst blowing the smoke onto the clothes. This is the story I have always told myself but now I will re-write it! I did not have a 364 day quit, I had simply abstained! The act of buying cigs would be enough now to have me screaming "junkie thinking" and of course deep down I know I would always have smoked that cigarette. In truth, that quit related to being with someone and from the moment that changed I took myself on a misguided path back to being a smoker. That lasted 14 years!

Age 39 So today I have a 7 month quit. I wonder why I get thought associations at times but still feel cautiously (eternal vigilance) safe in my quit. So today I understand that I chose this quit for me and my girls. I chose for the girls first off but at some point that changed to me. I don't miss anything about smoking, even when my addicted now re-wired brain tells me I could or should be a smoker in this scenario. I fully understand my addiction could be re-awakened if I were ever crazy enough to pick up and inhale or use nicotine again in any format and I choose not to do that.

I can never completely undo the damage I did. That is my penance for stupidity and lack of education but it is no excuse from now and hasn't been for some time. I will protect my brain by understanding the associations and why they happen and my body will be protected by a nope philosophy that I will need to engage for my whole life. Thank you brain for trying so desperately to cope and rewire to enable the damage but we are ok to move on now, when you're ready.