This has been a tough week. It's tuesday! That probably says a lot. And my weird will be in this blog, if it offends please see "ra ra" type posts in the main arena!

I don't understand why I think of smoking when things become tricky. Although it has been my "go to" for my whole adult life, I started to smoke at 13. I had my first at age 9 - the age my oldest daughter is now!! She's a baby!! I can't believe no one noticed me, and yet if you met those I "care for" you'd understand the self obsession that meant they missed any potential signs for me. I must remember now I think to ensure I am seperate, and really try not to let these people invade my "better place" space.

Today I faced down for the first time people judging those who are spiritual. Apparently we are all flower power hippies with no life plan lol. Wow! At the "what do you do" question I squared my shoulders and said I'm a hippy...in leggins...who channels stuff like healing...I think your nurse training is awesome...I just signed up to reiki cancer patients for an hour a week and help them through a gift I was given...and I wear crystals and heal with them cause I'm moved to do that. I just want to make lives better and I love that I'm given that opportunity all the time! Cue tumbleweed!!

I wish I was that spiritual person who didn't think, wow, you're a bit of a twat aren't you and really did wear loose fitting clothing cause that would of been handy with the extra quit weight I claimed via peanuts!! And then I really started to think later. There was a time, almost months ago that I would have said nothing! I wouldn't have defended myself and my life choices even though I considered myself a really strong woman. It reminded me what my quit has given me in the self worth camp and despite a bitchin couple of days I am happier in myself now then I have ever been. I can attribute a great part of that to here and a freedom to just "be me unjudged" and a strength in fighting addiction and being victorious. Yes, I "just know" I am done.

I won't consider smoking anymore, SNOT, no longer an option! I can't heal if I stink, end of story. But jeez, I wonder why the thoughts still come and if they will ever end although I offer up eternal gratitude at the fleeting nature compared to the early quit thoughts which were so intense they owned me! I read of symptoms of the quit, so many I wasn't sure they were even all quit related until now really, wow, I abused my poor body in an epic manner!!

So for me. For all behind and in front of me. I know now. Smoking really never fixed a thing. I will help whomever I can and I will be greatful for a place that accepted me for who I was, warts an all. (really no warts, cross fingers and all that). Forgive the inane ramblings but it is my blog and it helps to write all the crazy down sometimes! And not smoke, that helped me too. Wednesday will be better is all. Loves to all.