Another quitter today has raised the "drop off rates". Wow they are pretty high!! Now there is a person on the board with my time, but only one. This time is a bit strange to be honest. 4 months was lovely, no craves, all peace. 5 months is reminding me, hey you used to smoke...hey you, you smoked you know....hey hey, can you hear me and so it goes. Now of course it's good, it's me. I have traced back and found the triggers and will work on them and my quit is safe.

So where's me mates at?? Well, they keep dropping like flies. Me, I'm still sure no matter what I may think or feel periodically I am absolutely a non smoker! But why, why am I ok and others are not? Was it my weirdo approach? Or guys like Jonny5 who was not everyone's cup of tea but reinforced my quit like a boss. Or my quit buddy who regularly assures me when I go bat shizzle that all is well and I should not be a donut? ....

I think it's me! I think "I got it" fairly early days. It does not solve a damn thing, it never did. I remember there being a point, I was brutally upset about something or other and I thought I would smoke for a fleeting second...closely followed by what's the point, it doesn't help! In THAT moment I accepted I was going to have to relearn how to cope and I grieved for what was but now wasn't.

When my Mum was rushed to hospital, diagnosed with heart failure, on top of copd and she was discharging herself (as we do) and putting it all on me.... I was terrified, my craves went through the roof, for days.. I literally "chose" to hold on and wait to see what happened. I never said but I paced for nights on end, listening that all was well and breathing was happening. It only took my buddy saying got your back and Aine saying, of course you would consider smoking to bring me back down long enough that I could hold on. It absolutely did not diminish the triggers/craves but I knew that my choices for coping were real limited and I had to find another way.

Two days ago was a virgo (my sign), new moon which for me, signifies new beginnings. I asked for strength for a friend here, who is looking for a new career path and strength for me to follow my dreams again and reinforce my lifestyle which is about being healthier and that certainly includes not smoking.

This saturday I formalise my reiki training and I can finally insure to practice properly, let loose on the general public and charge, when I'm ready. Something else I posted that really stuck with me is I did not want to touch another person reeking of stale smoke. How could I put my hands up to another person who may be a non smoker and stink?

Ultimately I want to teach I think. Teach how to plant by moon signs or how to heal via reiki and angels and how to intuit tarot along with the standard lines. I just want to share what I have learnt. It might sound odd to some but to me it's how I have lived knowingly and unknowingly. I cannot unlearn what I know, I will not unlearn my non smoking traits...for me it's all part of the path.

That said, I wish my path would bring some of that beautiful peace back because this bit, well it's a bit tough. I'm up to it of course but it would be nicer to have some easy peasy. But still, if I had that, how would I be any use to the people who suffer with a quit...5 quits inspired by my 1 now. I will prove by sheer strength of will that you can have a tough times in your quit and still succeed :) It might make no sense to anyone else but I will do what I have always done and lead by example.