This is hard. It aint "easy peazy." And I confess to feelings of shame and guilt because I'm not peeing pink sparkly balloons. I'll just keep reading and keep not smoking.

Years ago I sold plasma in order to get money. You have to have a blood pressure with a top number over 100, so I would tell the nurse, "wait a minute." I'd think about my guaranteed student loans from college, and then I'd tell here, "take it now." Everytime, I was able to get it up to over 100. hehahhahe!

So, forced myself to eat a yogurt this morning. Drank some water, bit of juice. So NOT hungry. I eat at night around 10 pm, that's when the hunger hits. And, I'm an insomniac. If nicotine does work with the blood sugar to the extent that the readings say it does, then making sure I eat something at the times I am supposed to; breakfast, lunch, etc. is helping me with not feeling so dizzy and lightheaded as I remember my last quit being. And, I've been asleep by midnight for the last 3 nights (my usual bedtime is around 2 am). I'm waking up with 7-8 hours sleep. (Usually 5-6 hours). So, the part that interests me most here is the

sugar and food craving.

Hopefully, keeping my blood sugars at a normal level with food and juice during the day, instead of just not eating for 10 hours (as I have done before I quit smoking) will help minimize the cravings I experienced in the last quit. But, either way,

I'm not smoking today.

Cold turkey quit; I've smoked 3 packs plus for forty years, with a history of obsessive compulsive addictions to just about everything. So, nicotine and coffee are/were my two last remaining "pleasures," and I absolutely refused to give them up. I'm hanging on to my coffee. Forget that; but, smoking has become more difficult these last few years. Not imposssible; I seem to be able to ignore my son's health and well being when I smoke in the house. After a few uncomfortable and inconvenient days going to the porch to smoke, I end up back in the house anyway. And, hey, the studies are still out on passive smoke, right? At work, I go outside every hour or so and smoke. I'm one of 3? remaining people that actually smoke, so I'm usually by myself. 10 years ago it was still "sociable" as I hung out with other smokers. Not so much now. And, this winter, it was a cold one. 2 degrees below and I'm huddled outside smoking. Not looking like such a sociable habit. Doesn't matter. I've always know my "habit" was more than just a habit. But, I've never stopped anything until it got too painful AND I managed to fall into a karmic "window" for just a moment to see how truly bad it was. I got the window, about 45 seconds worth, 4 days ago. Put my emotions and head on "freeze" and zombied my way around the house tossing the cigarettes, ashtrays, etc. away. Then, argh. WTF did I just DO????

How much more painful does it have to get before I "stop"?

Raff, my son, myself and my husband were all sick with cold and a bad flu in January. Raff's cold just lingered; coughing at night. Usually that was me, with bouts of bronchitis every year and the chronic cough that came from the bronchitis. Not the smoking, no.

So, I began smoking outside. When I'm inside, my body is uncomfortable, taking drags off the vape pen, still unsatisfied. Out to the porch; smoke a quick one. Shoot, smoke another. I just want to finish it because I'm cold and it's not tasting great anyway.

Back inside. Clock is ticking until 9 pm. Raff is in bed and I shut his door and. . . .I smoke. God, do I smoke.

Next morning, same thing. same go%%%%%%am thing.

And again.

6 months ago started the vaping. Figured if I could break the behavior, then I could just vape and not smoke. I'm a recovering junkie; how did I miss that one??

Yeah, that worked as well as trying to smoke dope instead of boozing.lol!

Ok. No nicotine. A drug is a drug, and I guess it's time to acknowledge that one. But, if I do that, I KNOW what that means.

Alright, delete the last overly dramatic bit. All It means is I am not going to smoke today.

And, today I am not killing my son, and, though I don't care about this yet, I am not killing me.

My lungs are clear. I don't care yet, but they are.

I'm not on the porch, and today it is 21 degrees outside. Ok. I like this one. I'm really kind of comfy on the couch here. I'm bored to tears, but need to finish grading some tests. Then, I may attempt to get past this blah and see if my son wants to play. lol! It's snowing outside and he's so bored he's rearranged his clothes in his drawers. Weird. . . .. .

Waiting. . .