11/28/2013

Nov-28-2013

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks for me. I can't believe it. I've never wanted to quit before. I played with it a few years ago for 24 hours to see what would happen with nicorette but it just didn't seem worth it and I did not want to quit. Like anyone else I never wanted to become a smoker...never sat down and decided I was going to become a pack or so a day smoker. One day I just woke up and realized I was and sighed a little and just accepted it. Any time Id even fathom the idea of quitting I'd literally cringe a little and have to quickly wipe the idea from my mind. It seemed way too scary.

Then when I decided I was going to quit at the beginning of November I was hoping everything would go smooth in my life for just a little while while I adjusted to the newness of not having cigarettes around. After-all, my life had been semi-smooth for a couple months and I figured it might stay that way for me at least for a month. And I didn't know how I would react if something crazy happened out of the norm right out of the gate.

Unfortunately, this was not the case. November, whether I was smoking or not, carried with it the worst four weeks thus far in 2013. From the start. I found it easy to tell myself no and I couldn't have a cigarette. But I will not lie, there have been times, especially lately, where I have felt very tested.

6 months ago I switched depts at my job and took a big pay-cut so that in 6 months I could go to a different area of the new department and make more than i was before and be in a better part of the company than I was before 6 months ago. A job I had been waiting for came up right before my 6 months, which was November 6th, all the managers said since it was the end of October they'd waive the last week or two since I had been excelling at my current job since I started it. They had me very hopeful.

Anyway in November I was turned down by someone in a different state that does the HR recruiting for my dept because I fell short of the six months. meaning not only was the job I wanted so close in reach and denied to me even though everyone was fighting for me to be able to, but I was banking on the switch because I took that huge pay-cut and my financial situation has been struggling for six months. So instantly in the beginning of November I started out with something that was very upsetting.

Then I wrecked my car, for a ridiculous reason. And realized I was going to be carless for a while (two weeks almost so far) until it gets fixed...but then I'd also have to find 500 dollars lying around to pay for a deductible.

Then I find out that someone who I was in a relationship with for about two years and I had broken up with in September had been lying to me all summer and had become a cocaine user...lied to me about it all summer anytime I would ask what was up or why they were changing behaviors. This filled me with a huge rage.

Then just a couple days ago (a day after I found out about the ex's cocaine addiction and lying) I found out I wasn't really paying attention to my bank acct this month and not to get into too much detail I severely went over and my next check which included a travel reimbursement check I submitted for the amount of half the deductible is going to be all gone once it hits my acct. so now I am working overtime for the foreseeable future.

So I say all this and am in awe at how nicotine can grab you quickly and entrap you into it's sick world and distort everything. When I used to try to imagine myself quitting and immediately cringe it would be because I'd imagine having to go through something awful without it. Again, I will not lie, there were times I just wanted to say eff this give me a damn cigarette.... but I have realized, rather quickly, this month that nicotine and cigarettes do not help with any of these situations. It was all an illusion before. A mind trick being played on me/us. I just had to tell myself that even if I have a cigarette I'm still going to be upset...my car will still be wrecked...I still wont have that promotion...that idiot would have still lied to me for months...and I still would have overdrawn my account significantly.

I can't believe tomorrow is 4 weeks and I am so thankful I stopped smoking when I did because I sure know I couldnt afford it right now if I didnt but Id still be forcing myself to find someway to get those nasty things. I wish I would have realized this a long time ago...that bad things happening still suck with or without cigarettes...and actually suck more with them around.

of course, I cannot say i wont be extremely happy to see November end. Terrible month.

Happy Thanksgiving!