I have a video of my mom that I watch over and over again. It's only about 56 seconds long or so, but means the world to me. I always fear I'm going to forget her -- her voice, smile, laugh. I don't want to forget her. Even though she's not here with me physically, I use the memories I have of her to help me through. I want to believe she's still here with me, watching over me.

These last 6 months have been difficult. I lost my mom in October 2013 from a heart attack. She was 59 and had been a heavy smoker for as long as I can remember. She suffered from something called Peripheral Arterial Disease. When they did the autopsy on her, they found that her arteries were full of plaque. I don't know what caused this other than the disease and possibly smoking.

Back in 2006, my mom was suffering. She would spend her nights awake, crying. She wasn't getting enough circulation. Her big toe turned purple/black/blue. She was a very stubborn lady who hated doctors. I desperately wanted to fix her pain... there is nothing worse than hearing my mom cry. I remember looking up "home remedies." They never helped.

Eventually, she did go to the doctor. They had to amputate her toe. She said she'd rather die than lose her toe. But after much begging from her children, she had the surgery. The pain was gone.

She was okay for a few years, but her health started to deteriorate over time. She lost a lot of weight and could barely walk. Her legs, arms, wrists, everything hurt. There was no convincing her to go to the doctor. She would say stuff like, "If I'm dying, I don't want to know about it!" She was like this for a few years. She suffered all the time. She worried about others before herself. Leading up to her death, she was complaining about her wrist, saying it was "carpal tunnel."

I should have clued in... I suffer from CT and know where the pain usually radiates from. She was describing a different kind of pain. So many regrets.

I talked to her the night before Oct. 11th. She was so excited about Christmas. That's all she talked about while on the phone with me. I was excited too, having just bought her a lighthouse clock. She loved and collected lighthouses. I am so very thankful I made the time to talk to her that day instead of avoiding my phone as usual.

At 7:30 a.m. the next day, my aunt called and told me she was gone. My beautiful, sweet mom had died in her sleep. I was devastated. I remember wanting answers, not wanting to believe she was gone. I remember crying and hyperventilating. I remember my boyfriend trying to calm me. Within a few hours, I was at my mom's house. I was numb at that point with a raging headache.

We had to wait a week for a funeral because this happened over Thanksgiving weekend in Canada, which delayed the autopsy. i picked out the urn, and the service was two hours long. I didn't cry much at the funeral... I mean, I cried for an entire week prior. I feel like people probably thought I was cold, but that's okay. What do they know, right? I had a little brother and a devastated father to take care of.

I was surrounded by smokers that night. I remember sitting outside amongst them. I didn't have one craving. I saw what smoking did to my mom and I was just disgusted by it all. Blech.

I'm at a point where I'm starting to deal with things now and live my life. I took a leave from work in December and never returned... I hated that job more than anything. I am going back to school to take human resources management starting in May instead. I am hoping for a different career path. I am trying to lose the weight I gained from emotional eating. I am doing okay; I am surviving.