stzr500

Quit Date: 02/24/2017

Posted March 10, 2018 

Hello,

        I just want to start off stating that Feb 24th was my first year smoke free. I just want to give a bit of insight on how things went and are still going. This may be a bit in length but to totally understand it has to be, sorry. I came home that night on the 24th after I said goodbye to my daughter whom was off to rehab for her own addiction. I said if she can do it so can I even after 30 years of smoking. Putting these down is nothing compared to what she was about to go through with her opioid addiction. She is now 21 just starting life. Get into that later. Anyway the first three days were out of this world. Can't really explain them but very nausea and little to no sleep. To be honest I really can't remember all of it because i think it was so horrible my brain just won't let me go back there but visions have me so scared I will never pick up a nicotine product again. Then came the end of the week and onto week two...pretty smooth feeling better and now getting 5-6 hours of sleep a night. Week three was it...anxiety anxiety anxiety like my world just caved in on me. It was to the point of what they call derealisation where nothing seemed real to me. I only ever had it happen to me once before when I got high with marijuana with my cousin. Thank God it ended after my high ended. Anyway guess what this time it didn't....here we go full blown panic..omg ...what am I going to do I can't handle this feeling, I'm going crazy this cannot be happening to me. Why won't it stop ...did I do permanent brain damage from smoking cigarettes all these years...so on and so on my brain was in full overdrive. You name the most horrible sensations I could feel and trust me I felt them. I need to call the doctor I need to do something...then I thought what's the worse thats going to happen..I may pass out and shit then I won't need to worry cause I will be out like a light. Guess what I wasn't blessed with that pleasure ...as soon as it would get close to that point it would back off. This went on for weeks. I went to counseling and it was what I figured and what the doc said anxiety at it's worse, whats going on. Here's where it gets good.

           To start off my quit was never planned, just shot from the hip and did it. Along with the anxiety came the complete opposite depression so bad it dropped me to my knees in tears at times. NO JOKE. Never have I felt so empty inside and lost. To start it all off I lost my mother 4 1/2 years ago and never really dealt with it. When she passed from liver cancer I grieved and had lots of smokes. Two weeks after she passed I settled the estate with smokes. 3 months later we bought a new home. Another month later I was promoted to be an Engineer for my job. Smokes like a chimney for that cause if I didn't pass I was out of a job. I passed by the way thank God. Anyway shortly after that I remember bringing the train to a stop at a red signal and having a panic attack. WTH is wrong with me I though....smoking that's it I quit. The very next day was the day and the day our daughter got her help. Through counseling and talking with others here is how it is for me. I did everything with a cigarette from the time I was 17 to 47. I mean everything ...sorry about this but after sex was the best one even better than the one with coffee in the morning. Drinking, socializing,sadness,stress...I did everything with a cigarette it was my best friend and my biggest crutch. See I am not a casual smoker or a smoker who smokes just because it makes them feel good, I am a smoker who smoked because everything in my life revolved arround smoking and I had to have it. Smokes cured me of everything...I would say FK it and light one up. 

         Now I put them away and my world just came crashing down upon me like I never in my life experienced. Also my wife had an affair during all this because I was never home always working and just not paying attention to her. Talk about the final blow. This happened May of last year for a month and a half it went on. I found out confronted the both of them and about kicked her ass to the curb and bought a pack of smokes. I packed them and opened them and took one out. Looked at myself and said really, really ..fk this. Put it back in the pack and gave them to my wife and told her she may need these more than me at this point in time. So lets review...mother passed away....never really mourned her loss because it was to painful put many other things first. Promotion at my job. Wife affair and daughter hooked on heroin all in the past 2 years of my mother passing.

        Summary.....when I put the smoked down I was literally hit by everything I ignored and pushed to the side and hid with a cigarette. Here it is a year later and I will say things are better on the home front. Wife and I worked things out. She is my best friend and I pushed her away like a fool. Daughter, well she is back in detox as of yesterday and will try it all over again. This is just the tip of things in my life. What I really am trying to say is everyones quit is unique and personal. Be true to yourself you are a lot braver that what you think you are. You will walk through the gates of hell on your quit there is no doubt about it but just remember you will come out on top. I am not going crazy nor did I do permanent brain damage from smoking..lmao. What I did do was close responses to normal dopamine that take time to heal and recover. All addicts do this thats why its an addiction. I still have bouts of depression and anxiety. I am learning a whole new lifestyle. Think about it you are literaley changing your lifestyle without nicotine and its scary but it can be fun sometime. I like waking up and smelling my wifes perfume that wore off on the pillow rather than stinky smoke that wore off my hair. For those who read this thank you for taking the time to read it..I let out a bunch of personal things in my life but if you can't speak the real, then there is no sense in saying anything. I cannot give a time frame on when you should feel better from quitting but I feel fantastic at times and other times physically great but still an emotional train wreck. Hills and valleys but one day it will level out, because you will achieve goals and set a new future that you can look back upon without a cigarette. I won't say good luck because it's not about luck...IT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR WILL. My family is why !!

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