El Bandito

Posted April 14, 2014

Firstly - my apologies for a massive long post - but I kind of need to get this off my chest. I posted it in my blog - but then thought maybe it might be of use to someone here...

Yesterday, my sister in law and her two sons came to visit. The plan is that the sister in law will stay with us for a couple of weeks - while the boys just came for the day. This is the first time that we have had houseguests since the house was refurbished before Christmas. 

It's quite exciting in a way. 

The day dawned warm and sunny - inspiring me to take the dog for a long walk and to venture into the garden for the first time this year. 

Lunch was eaten and wine was taken. A post prandial stroll somehow got diverted to the pub - where beer was drunk. Afternoon became evening with the help of several brandies. Long story short - I awoke this morning with a cracking hangover. Probably my first one since quitting smoking at the end of January. 

Conventional wisdom will tell you that hangovers are marginally better without the chemicals contained in cigarettes. I think perhaps that I am not convinced by conventional wisdom. This hangover feels pretty much the same as any other hangover that I recall.

What has come as a complete surprise is that the hangover has triggered a massive craving for a cigarette. I have been awake for five and a half hours as I write this; and for every minute of those three hundred and thirty, I have been craving a cigarette.

Now - I am not going to have one - I don't smoke. It is an obvious truth that non-smokers do not smoke - but it is a truth which I am having to remind myself of today. A lot.

I have re-read many inspirational posts on the Quit Train.com and on Why Quit.com - determined to remove this illogical desire that I am harbouring for a cigarette. I am writing this blog post in an effort to reaffirm my determination to be a non-smoker. 

I can only suppose that for 30 years, I would have fought through any hangovers with the help of 'my little friend' the cigarette and that waking with a hangover this morning has re-triggered an old reaction.

It does seem illogical - as if any condition illustrated how horrible it was to be a smoker - then the hangover was it. Hungover- I am always anxious, paranoid even. Two feelings that amplify the self-loathing that is never far away in any addict...but illogical or not - I cannot deny that all day today, I have wanted a cigarette.

It could be that I am entering 'No Mans Land' which is how some people characterise a period where an addict moves from the "I'm quitting" period to the "Bored now". The logic is that family, friends and colleagues have become accustomed to the fact that the addict doesn't smoke anymore. Where in the early days everybody was a spectator, paying close attention to the addict and their struggle, now, it's old news. Never-smokers have no comprehension of the addiction, and smokers have conclusively decided that the addict was either never a 'proper' smoker or is miserable without their cigarettes.

This last point is critical (I have just discovered!) because right now, I agree with the smoker. I am miserable. Right now - I can actually hear myself saying:

"Yes, quitting smoking is tough, but it is doable. I quit for 77 days. But - at the end of the day, I enjoy it. Give me a cigarette please. I'll give you one back when I buy some in a minute. When I stop enjoying it - I'll quit again."

I kid you not - I can actually hear myself saying that. I can picture myself reaching for the cigarette. I know which colleague I am asking for the cigarette...

Here is the thing.

I can picture myself doing it, I can hear myself doing it, but I am NOT doing it.

Why am I not doing it? Really - why not?

Well - there are several reasons.

1. I posted on a website that I visit this morning. I posted - NOPE. (So there must be something to this pledging :) ...)

2. I promised some people that I came to know is cyber space - that before smoking another cigarette I would post a SOS first. and I haven't.

3. If I did smoke - a lot of these people in Cyber space would be annoyed that I smoked, hurt that I did not post SOS and might even use my relapse as support for a relapse of their own. And while I know I can quit again - maybe that person couldn't.

4. Deep down - I know full well that I am hungover now. If I have a cigarette, I will still be hungover. And I will be incredibly annoyed with myself.

So - I won't smoke.

All of you - I am not naming names, because I would forget someone - but ALL of YOU saved my quit today.

Thank you.

Link to original post: https://www.quittrain.com/topic/611-cigarette-anyone/