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IndigoChilde's Blog

A blog by IndigoChilde in General

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Entries in this blog

Craves strong today

Day 18, third day on the step 2 patch. I'm craving bad today. I don't know what it is. But I'm home alone and don't know what to do. I'm deep breathing right now, watching Scrubs, and drinking ice water. I went for a walk and felt peaceful during it, with no cravings, but as soon as I got home I got anxious. I figure writing all this down is a good thing and helping to remind myself that I'm not always going to face easy days.   One thing I'm doing is reminding myself that if I quit for five y

Father's Day

Father's Day BBQ was amazing! Once people started arriving I forgot all about smoking, which kinda reinforces that being alone triggers some of my craves. And especially once my sons arrived, I was ALL about them. I didn't care what anyone else was talking about, I was spending time with my boys. And my younger son, Alex, is a cuddle bug. My older son, Devin, isn't even too fond of kisses anymore. Soon he'll be too old for hugs! OMG! Anyway, we had Family Feud on, and since some answers involve

No craves first thing in the morning!

So I woke up at 4:00 this morning with the realization I still had the patch on. So it took it off and went back to bed. But then I was too hot and couldn't get back to sleep, so I went downstairs to the living room to cool off. Stayed up for an hour and a half and didn't even think of having a smoke. Then realized I was up for good and went to go put the patch on. Not sure if I need it anymore, but I'd rather ween off according to the schedule. Heard movement upstairs so I went to go make coffe

New Quit

So, quitting today was like a nightmare this morning. I woke up at 5am, stayed in bed until the urge to smoke got to me at 5:17, then went downstairs and put on the patch, then went about the rest of my normal routine until the patch kicked in. I'm finding out of HALT, Loneliness tends to be my reason to smoke. So after dad got up, had a cup of coffee, and went back to bed, I went and cuddled with him and mom in bed until about 7 when we all got up, then it was all cleaning the house and putting

Yosemite

So, a while ago, back as a non-smoker, I went to Yosemite. It was beautiful out, even though it was cold at night. This time I brought warm pajamas and extra blankets. This was the last week in April. Unlike last year when we went there, I was actually able to hike up partway the mist trail. I didn't even get tired, we had to turn back because my dad's knee was giving out (there were a lot of slippery steps on the way up and puddles along the way) and my mom couldn't carry her bag up the steps,

Restarting my quit

This time I'm using the patch. I know there's mixed feeling about using NRT, but this morning I woke up and first thing I did was put on the patch. And I'm doing fantastic. My quit's never been easier. It helps my depression was figured out and I'm awake and alert now instead of down in the dumps. I don't miss cigarettes at all. I have small craves here and there, but they're horribly manageable for now. This is the best first day of a quit I've had. I feel marvelous. I even took two walks today

Smoking Dream

I had a smoking dream last night. And usually it's just me smoking. This time it was actually going over to mom's smoking area, and my brother was there, and I held a finger to my lips like "shh." Then getting a cig and lighting up. It was just weird. My brother was even young in my dream. Like, not old enough to shave young, and he's 27 now. There was a bench there too. Like one of those wooden park benches. I remember I was happy and smiling like a kid. And I woke up and it was so satisfying.

Easter

So, this is a little late. But this Easter we weren't planning on doing anything. So then me and my sister were talking and thought about putting a little something together with family, but we couldn't get a hold of mom to talk to her about it so we decided we were just going to call our brother and have him come home for Easter. And of course, my sister would too. So I talked to dad and we went out while mom was at Bingo to get baskets, plastic grass, and stuff for the Easter baskets. So, choc

Nature Day

Today I had a nature day. I went out and photographed a few clovers and dandelions, then the trees that were in bloom before and are in leaf now. Then I washed my leather jacket (cats had peed on it when I first moved into my parents' house) now that I have the special leather soaps and conditioners. Found out leather dries really slowly. So I played in the plants. Ran my hands over the tops of the grass, through some soft weeds, and through some feathery ones. Thought of smoking once in the mor

Writing Meetup

So, I decided I needed to branch out more and found this writing group on Meetup called Shut Up & Write. It's about an hour and a half. An hour writing and half an hour for introductions and getting to know each other. With the dreams I've been having and the racing thoughts I have now, I figure I might actually be able to sit down and write. I hadn't realized smoking was probably adding to my depression because I feel like going out and doing stuff every day. Now if dad would just approve a

Depression and Withdrawl

Where to begin...   I think bupropion was acting as an antidepressant as well as helping me quit smoking because I became depressed and had horrible cravings after I stopped it. As I became more depressed, I didn't want to go on the computer. I also spent more time on the couch with the TV on, but paying attention to it less and less. Then I ran out of Geodon (my mood stabilizer) and went through withdrawl. I spent an entire day on the couch doing nothing except using the bathroom and eating w

On the Edge of Relapse

I just feel like I'm on the edge of relapse today. I keep telling myself NOPE. But it's like I want to smoke. It hasn't been this bad in a while. I don't know if it's coming off the bupropion or what. Today I just feel like crap. My run didn't go well. I mean, I still kinda made it, but it didn't go as I'd like. I didn't enjoy it at all. My dad tried to encourage me but I just couldn't get my spirits up. I can't figure anything I want to do except sleep and smoke, so I've mostly been sleeping. I

Running

So, my dad got me to start running. We're using this Couch to 5K program. It's three times a week. I finished the first week, but I think I'm going to do it all over again. I don't feel like I'm ready to move onto week 2.   Dad said once I quit smoking he would get me into running. I guess he was right. And I have a Fitbit now and this weekend we're getting myself some running shoes. I think he tricked me into all of this. (j/k)   I'm finding how hard it is to run for 60 seconds with just a

Triggers

I finished part of a project on my desktop computer and the first thing I wanted was to smoke. I always did that. I'd finish part of a project, feel satisfied, and reward myself with a smoke. Instead I ate a piece of ginger candy and went for a mile walk. Yesterday thanks to dad I got 10,000 steps for the day. So, yay! And I've lost that urge to smoke when I'm chatting in the role play chat I go to. I love the chat, but there are long periods of silence that usually I just went out for a smoke w

Dreaming Again

Since I was 13 I got really bad nightmares and a few good dreams. Then for a while I stopped dreaming. (Well, never remembered my dreams.) I thought it was my meds and shrugged it off. Now, after 2.5 weeks of being a non-smoker, I'm dreaming again. I don't know if it's the quit or the bupropion, but I'm actually dreaming.   Off-topic, I'm hooked on these Gin-Gin ginger candies. I just bought 10 packs online, cheaper than when we got them at the World Market. The ones I got are Hot Coffee flavo

Third Week Dragging On

The third week is dragging on soooo slowly. I'm managing to keep from having a smoke, but I'm really bored. I keep going for walks, both in the park and in the back yard. Our trees are flowering, so it's kinda pretty in the back yard. This morning I went for a 2.09 mile walk with my dad. (Fitbit tracks where I go. Yay!) I've been taking pictures of the flowers, but there's only so many pictures you can take of the same flowers. The good news is I don't feel like sleeping all the time anymore, so

Two Weeks!

I had a lot of fun at Dundracon, and saw Deadpool while we were there. A few cravings. I find if someone leaves half a cigarette out that's one of my triggers. I think because mom and I never smoked a whole cig, so we were used to smoking from halves (or thirds, etc). But my teacher says that the more I'm exposed to my triggers and say no to them, the more they'll go away until they're gone. I think that's my last major trigger, because when I see mom left a half in the backyard (not something s

Doing well at DunDraCon

I honestly thought it'd be harder than this. I'll admit, the first thing I wanted to do was step out onto the balcony and smoke, because I always did when we first got to our hotel room. And of course, all the rooms look the same. But I'm following as much of my routine here as I can. Going for walks in the Courtyard, early in the morning before the smokers get out there. Making my coffee. (They have a small machine here.) And getting on the forums to at least pledge NOPE.   I went to a D&

Dundracon Weekend

Today I'm leaving for DunDraCon. I know they're'll be people there who smoke, so I'm staying away from them. And I'm going with a non-smoker friend. I rarely have any reason to be alone while we're there, so there's no excuse for me to go outside and join the smokers. And I'm going to keep telling myself that so I don't go out and ask someone for a smoke. I may not be around a lot, or at all, during the next few days.

Son's Birthday and One Week

Today is my son's birthday party. His birthday is a few days away. He was getting on my case and nagging me about not smoking. I always told him I was cutting back (and I was) but I didn't quit yet. My greatest embarrassment was going outside to smoke while my kids were at my house (I don't live with them) for Christmas Eve. I normally wait until they leave or I leave before I light up. But this time, right in the middle of the party, I couldn't take it anymore and smoked. Now today I'm going to

Photoshoot yesterday.

I had fun at the photoshoot yesterday, although it was a little cold. I was The Musician. So I had a bard-like costume and my guitar with me. Though I think I left my hair brush at the photoshoot. Oops. When I get the link to the blog for The Musician I'll share it.   For my reward for making it til Tuesday, dad's planning on getting me a Fitbit. So I gotta stay strong. But I'm back to being on the hunt for cigarettes. I had a dream last night that I found them. Not that I smoked them, but tha

Great Day Yesterday!

Yesterday was great! Though I couldn't get this site to work for the life of me that night. Anyway, we went out for a nature walk with our cameras and no animals showed up, so that was kinda a disappointment. But driving on the way out were hawks and falcons that we took pictures of from inside the car. (We thought getting out might scare them away). Then we had McDonald's and came home. After that we brainstormed on what to do next so I suggested Old Sacramento where were could get taffy. It's

Day 5

Yesterday was a lot of crying, frustration, and anger. But strangely few actual cravings. When they did come, they were strong though. I felt like each craving was running me over with a truck. I almost broke down and asked mom where she hid the cigarettes. I didn't though. I just went for a few walks and went upstairs for no real reason. I'd actually walk up there, walk back and forth a bit, then come back downstairs. Having the TV on helps a little so long as it's interesting. With cable and o

Finally Friday!

This is my fourth day as a non-smoker and I feel really tired and thirsty. I've heard both are normal. Thankfully I have the luxury of just laying down under the covers on the couch and watching TV. As soon as I get more energy I'll probably be going for walks and working on my children's book.

Day 3

So tonight is our follow-up class to see how we're doing in our smoking cessation. The day is passing by so slowly compared to the last few days. And with being thirsty all the time, I'm having to use the bathroom all the time. I'm trying to be cheerful about quitting smoking, but I feel miserable.

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