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About this blog

Struggles, thoughts and everything else that I have to keep for a later date and reread again...and again.. and again.. 

Entries in this blog

The Policy of Truth

I have so much blog material at the moment. But this is one I find myself going back to today. It is so hard to be honest about addiction, not just to the outside world, but to yourself. Being critical, not scared of the cold hard truth. The courage to look yourself in the eye and explore that impulse emotion when someone calls the addiction by it's name. I posted about my relapse last night. And I found the support overwhelming, and I thank all of you that had my back. I could've said noth
Vivianne

Vivianne

6

The history of an addict

When I was in the shower I started thinking about my history with the cigarette. And I thought it might be an interesting story to share as so many others have been through the same thing.    I was introduced to the normality of tobacco when I was 4 years old. Every male member of my family was a smoker. My granddad on my dad's side was the king; He smoked every variation there was: cigarettes, pipe, cigars and even prune (of course that last one he did not light up :P) . My mom's da
Vivianne

Vivianne

7

Day eh 24!!!

Wow I am almost at the 1 month quit experience! And it is.. eh yeah.. eventful to say the least. My first week was an awesome high, my second week was a mix of coughs, colds, and mixed feelings.. Then the germany trip, week 3, that has set me back.. the ads and the availability got into my head, the romancing started again.. emotions flared up  and I have been trapped inside my head. I couldn't stop crying two days ago.. I almost convinced myself this quiting thing was not something I
Vivianne

Vivianne

2

When addiction gets up close and personal

I've been sick a few days and today I feel much much better, but also home alone since Friday. And that gives me way too much time to think, ponder, over-analyse and lose myself in addiction thinking. So I hung on like a crazy woman. Reading a lot of this and watching a lot of that to keep my head clear in a very literal way. I also wrote down a lot of lies that my addiction keeps telling me in this quit. Time to address one and deal with it. "What does it matter anyway, you are not worth i
Vivianne

Vivianne

10

Bad day

I am stuck,  I have so many negatives thoughts and they are stopping me to post an sos, or pm someone - or just get help. So I am forcing myself to type this blog, without leaving this page or deleting the whole thing.  What happened?  Well it started with a dream I had last night. I was at an airport with my ex (the one where I experienced my last relapse with 2 years ago after a nine months quit). And he was yelling at me, screaming, I had to get him cigarettes but due to a new law I ha
Vivianne

Vivianne

10

Unexpected cravings

A blog post about a craving at this time*? That must be one serious craving.  And it is!   I know that I have gotten a pack in the middle of the night on more than one occasion. Get out of bed, put clothes on, get in the car and drive for 30 minutes to the nearest 24h gas station so I could smoke one and sometimes 2 before falling asleep without the thoughts of being out of cigs in the morning.   Time to take a step back and analyse this craving: What I need right n
Vivianne

Vivianne

5

Close encounters of the smoking kind

I couldn't postpone it any longer. I had to bring some stuff over to a friend, who smokes. I warned him ahead - do not feed my addiction and please keep the smoking paraphernalia out of sight.  Unfortunately he forgot... so he lit one right up next to me. Asking me if I wanted one. "HELL NO! I quit remember?"  He felt very embarrassed and took everything out of the room immediately while apologizing a lot.  I went on and on about this forum, and about my pledge every day and how solid
Vivianne

Vivianne

5

Third day - mind over matter

Third day... what to say what to say.  I am okay during the day, I have no cravings until 4 pm, I wasn't a during-the-day smoker.. I hated that first cigarette in the morning. The whole head rush was something I wasn't into.  But when the sun goes down my head goes in to a tale spin and I really have to focus on my quit and determination to be a happier and healthier person and give myself the gift of life.  I avoid my friends at the moment. I know they will give me a cig when I ask for it
Vivianne

Vivianne

7

Randomness

Approaching 24 hours! Mood: Mostly positive and highly energetic with little swings towards the negative side and the " &#$^$ FYA!" thoughts But I am still standing! *yeah yeah yeah* Anyway, my mind is racing as is my body (I might need to up my adhd meds.. )  I tried naptime, but that didn't agree lol  So here I am just rambling on and on and on..  I have nothing to tell, but time to kill  I am pledging my NOPE again here for today - I have told my dad today abou
Vivianne

Vivianne

3

Triggers

So in my preparation to make this attempt a permanent and thus successful one I found this site. I like to blog, have been doing that from the moment my parents decided to listen to my pleads to get  (sloowwww) internet. My initial quit date would be the 10th, but well, you know how stuff works... you read, you post and you get highly motivated to quit sooner rather than later.  And why not! There is nothing stopping me..  So I need to redo my preparation time table and get this stuff out
Vivianne

Vivianne

4

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